Cancer Free

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything and since then I've gone through alot of changes. I've gone to my last Chemotherapy with a surprise...My doctor told me I was CANCER FREE officially. I think I was more shocked with that than finding out that I had cancer. It's been a rough journey...one that I don't wish on my worse enemy and though I have learn alot, met a ton of people, and found who I was during this process I have to say I don't ever want to repeat this but, am oddly glad that I had this experience.

There are things about cancer that I haven't shared but, for the most part I've disclosed everything. and the reason why I haven't disclosed everything is because I literally forgot, too embarrassed (although I'm not sure after what I've written why), or I felt I've complained enough.

Over the past 4 months I've made some life altering decisions, I've decided to let go of my husband and we've decided together to move on and move away from one another. So, I am within days of a final divorce settlement. I think that out of everything has been the most difficult and the most relieving decisions I had to take. I've also moved out of my dad's house and began living my life again. I'm struggling alot but, I'm living and some how paying my bills (although not 100% on time). I've left my non for profit gig due to time constraints and lack of pay.

I've finished my book but am terrified to publish it. Why? Cause it's one of those projects that is a journal of a painful aspect of my life and well I suppose I'm afraid of failing for one and for two well I don't think there is a two.

I've also found out the effects of chemo after chemo...serious memory loss. I'm still having problems remembering things. perhaps it's school and the 4 businesses that are causing the memory loss but somehow I doubt it. I'm still very tired some days where all I can do is just sleep. I often feel sick, nauseated sick I try not to let anyone know but, my partner Robert sees me day in and day out so when I am ill it's hard for him not to notice.

Robert knows what I've gone through over the past year and half. He invited me to move in with him as a roommate and then we became business partners. He realized the conditions I was living in that caused me to be depressed and sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, my family was very supportive of me while I was at home and took care of me while I was sick but, as you all know they have a funny way of showing their love for me.

I had come home one day from Chemo and Robert came to visit me. I was long over due to our meeting and he asked me what happened. I told him Caryn abandoned me at Chemo. Shocked and appalled he looked at me and asked, what do you mean abandoned you?!

After Caryn's last explosive episode, I never really trusted her again. I had asked her to go to anger management and she agreed, needless to say she didn't go. since then I've seen her antics and seen that she has, unrightly, taken her anger out on people around her. So she had not been really allowed to come with me to the hospital for quite some time. My first Chemo in January was the first one in a while since I invited her to come with me (plus she sorta asked to come along). The drive up there was pleasant and we had a strained but, normal conversation. I wanted to ask her, had she gone and looked into anger management like she had promised me 9 months earlier? When I did a new explosion happened.

Luckily I we were close to the hospital and she dropped me off. It was more like kicking me out of the car, grabbing my wallet, and she knew my phone was dying and told me to find myself a way back home. As I was walking towards the hospital through the parking lot she tried to run me over. I had enough juice in my phone to make one phone call and that was my best friend mike where he, not having a car, took the train up all the way from Chicago to Zion to give me money to get home.

That night Robert came over, I had told him what had happened and he moved me into his home. We're helping each other survive right now but I think he's helping me more financially. But, I am much more happier now than I was when I was at my dad's house. Although I am struggling right now, it's a fairly stress free environment for me. I'm still struggling with my memory and it's really not your typical memory loss.

For instance, things that I've been spelling most of my life like resturant I can't understand why it's spelt restaurant. Or enviropment, environment. Thank GOD for spell check. I seriously don't know how I made it through this past semester. I seriously don't remember much of any of the classes or anything I read. So I'm going over some of the notes and re-reading some of the texts this summer just to remember and rebuild my brain. I feel like the past 3 years of my life has gone to waste. simple things that I LOVE like Australopithecus I'm having a hard time remembering what the hell that is and I've just spent the last 3 years of my life learning, living, breathing physical anthropology (ok a little extreme but you get the idea) and for the life of me I have no idea what how it relates to what I've learnt. I am thinking that I'm going to go back to school and audit some classes with my favorite teachers so I can rebuild my brain...

Now I'm happy, losing weight, rebuilding my finances, mind and body...My spirit is intact and healthy. I am starting a NEW journey through recovery. It's wonderful to be cancer free.

Getting a hair cut for the first time

WELL, it's strange I know but I've decided to get my hair cut...I feel like such a hippi I swear! it's funny cause my hair is really not that long...less than half an inch long but, I feel like it's too messy...hair grows in different speeds it's kind of strange...

I can manage it if I have gel, hair spray, and other hair products in my head but seriously I don't like it at all. It's so anti beedo to have stuff in my hair. Feels so odd. I'm thinking of keeping my hair short for a while...kinda think it looks cute. so I'm going to maintain it for a little bit just as something that's not my norm.

I might dye it but I'm not sure about that either. I'm such a chicken when it comes to my hair. I can't really do anything crazy cause of my job. SO, I'm probably not going to do anything nuts. I am looking forward in feeling normal again though...whatever that means.

MOM

This is her portrait...I wishi I could claim it was my piece BUT I can't.

So a few days ago my mom passed away 17 years ago and her birthday is a few days from now. I miss her daily and wish she were here today. She would have been 63...and like the Great Beauties that die at such a young age, my mom's memory will forever be of her when she was young. I miss her laugh, her smile, her sense of humour, and even her anger (maybe not as much).

She was the type of person whom ALWAYS lit up the room when she walked in. Everyone LOVED my mom. Her laugh resignated and was infectious. When she laugh you couldn't help but to laugh.

I MISS YOU MOM.

A year ago

Well it's been a little over a year that I found out difiniatively tha I have cancer. Goodness there has been so much that has happened to me that I'm not sure where to begin with my thoughts. I'll start by staying that sorry I've been crazy busy with school so I haven't been able to write too much over the past month. As you all know I've been taking a full load of school to get myself graduated by next spring. GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! I can't believe that I'm almost done with school. Anyway, I've also been sick. I had a bad reaction to the radiation where...WELL, I'll spare your the gruesome details but needless to say I had open sores that got infected and the infection spread down my back up my arm. I had a horrble fever of 102 for about 2 days.

Why might you have asked did I wait to go see a doctor? Well, Mid terms. I wanted to get through my midterms as quickly as I could...and I thought I could just push through without any provocation. Well, I was wrong...SO, I had a fever, and I failed an Exam, did poorly on others and I didn't get a paper done ontime... SO, I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics for 2 weeks which made me miss my chemo appointment. Three wees after my infection ended I went and found out my heart was damaged as a result of my neglegence. it's not so bad as it sounds. Basically my heart pushes through x amount of volume of blood per beat. WELL, my heart was tracking at 65 points, which is about the volume of a athlete and when they checked it this last time is was down to 56 points which is about average person's volume...SO, could I have continued ... the answer is yes I could have but dropping 9 points is HUGE!! so they decided it wasn't worth the risk.

I can certainly feel the difference really. I am exhausted and need to rest more which is sad for me. I can't fathom why I need to sleep so much. It's all very fustrating for me. I want to get up and work like I used to. go to school, run around and do things. Spend time with my friends. I suppose it was better when I couldn't do anything for all those months.

All this happened around halloween...which is when I began to suspect I had cancer. I had my first doctor's appointment on October 30th where the doctor told me she was concerned and told me to get a ultra sound which lead to the mamorgram...and then the rest is history...

SO much thoughts and I havent written a single one down...it's a shame cause I had some seriously impactual ideas and thoughts about my past year...I'll write more soon, for now I gotta rest. And then I need to study some more.

AFTER EFFECTS OF RADIATION

Well, I got these horrible blisters that pussed up and popped. I'm not really happy with my radiation doctor simply because he didn't tell me how to care of these. He simply told me to leave it alone just keep it clean; DON'T put anything on the blisters except what he told/gave me to put on them. WELL, the area got infected. Last week Monday the skin had turned black around the pussing area. I had been keeping it clean and only using the ointment they had provided. My right arm swelled and it looked like I had a burn on my shoulder and arm.

The Stubborn Mule that I am I decided not to go to the doctors when the fever started two days after radiation was completed. I felt so horribly sick and yet I persevered. WHY? You ask well I was in the middle of Mid terms and I though well I'm a tough girl I can handle anything right? WRONG...

I had a fever of 102 for two days...I remember one of my professors asking me if I was OK. I said yes. For some reason I should have followed that thought and said I should go home and see a doctor...and yet I didn't. He asked if I thought I should go home...my reply was NO, I need to paint...YEAH...NOT a good idea. I was supposed to meet some friends after class for our weekly gathering, something I really look forward to but suddenly I nearly fell over and I started sweating but I was freezing. I thought Uh OH, I need to go home...SO, Somehow I managed to make it home and I collapsed on the couch and couldn't move. Even when my family came home I couldn't move. I had a friend come over for dinner and yet I still couldn't move. Looking back I wonder what the hell is wrong with my family for not taking me to the hospital.

Anyway, my friend said, UM, maybe we should take you to the hospital now...I'm thinking NAH, I'll be fine. Sweat is POURING down my face and body and I'm covered in a sweatshirt, sweat pants, thick socks, have my HUGE comforter on put my hat on...OK fever is making me delusional. REALLY, My friend asks me one more time and I refuse so we just continue talking as I sweat it out whatever is wrong with me...and seriously I still am not thinking it's an infection brought on by the radiation. He makes me promise that I'll go see a doctor in the morning and leaves for the night.

Next morning I make an appointment with my local doctor, just a GP not an oncologist. and she looks at what I thought was a rash and was about to let me go with a steroid cream to put on my "rash". Meanwhile I'm thinking I need to focus on what she's saying and sit up because I'm leaning over about to fall on the floor. Then it occurs to me to ask her "What about the open sore under my breast?" She looks at me and asks a little more alarmed..."WHAT open sore?!" So she makes me disrobe and I show her, she nearly fell over and said more like yelled, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD THAT?!" She's like "I'll be right back...WHAT YOUR Doctor’s Name IS?"

Stupid me responds, "Um, you're my doctor..." She looks at me and says..."ok, Never mind, just sit here I'll be right back."

Apparently she was calling my doctor to see if they were going to admit me into the hospital but, they didn't. She comes back a 1/2 an hour later and says "WELL, you need to call your Oncologist when you get home I'm giving you two week supply of antibiotics. Come see me in two weeks."

So, I call my doctor and he scolds me telling me I HAVE to talk to my teachers and let them know about the situation. If I get that sick again I am NOT allowed to go to school and their to send me straight home...I didn't tell them the sending me home or not allowed to go to school bit...but then again who is counting?

As a result, which I'll NEVER do again, is my heart is damaged. NOT to worry, it's not as bad as you think. None of the valves are damaged, or the muscles...it the volume per beat that's not right. The volume per beat used to be 65 which from what I understand is Athletic status where NOW, it's 56...which is an average person in the US today. So I went from athletic to average...The reason why they stopped the Herceptin is because the Herceptin is KNOWN to damage the heart and dropping 9 points is too much so it's just precautionary.

I do feel the drop in energy, I do see myself struggling more physically and mentally but, I'm confident I'll be fine. OBTW the heart thing...I found out exactly ONE year ago I found out that I MIGHT have cancer. October 30, 2007 ... October 30, 2008 is when I found out about my heart problem...Weird Eh?

Bed Hair!! WAHOOO

Well, I've tried to photgraph my exciting Bed hair but it's not comming out. BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BED HAIR!! Now I know alot of people would say that it's not that exciting or cause for celebration but when you haven't had hair in 6 months these little feats are wonderful. I'm rather excited about it all.

Fall Season

Well the fall season is here and in a way I'm very sad. I dont feel like I have had a summer really. Being sick and wanting to spend more time outside in the warmth of the summer sun, gardening more, and enjoying the heat before the dreaded winter. For some reason my days seem to run incredibly fast. I can't believe it really. A week feels like just a day. I can't believe it's Saturday already. It's just so very strange to me. Maybe it's because I'm sleeping so much more.

I can't believe it's October already! It'll be ONE year October 31 when I found out about my cancer. A year ago...looking back I can't believe it's been a year already. So much has happened and it just seems like yesterday. I don't even know what happened to the year really. On one respect I know it's been a year and on the other hand REALLY? it's been a year?

It dawned on me just a few days ago that I'm rounding a year soon...Crazy