I am having a hard time figuring things out lately. The most simplest things, tasks, and even movement confuses me. My first Chemo I didn't notice it as much but progressively after each chemo I started to notice it more and more. People who had Chemo tell me that's normal and though my memory and cognitiveness (is that a word) most probably will come back as for now it's very fustrating...
The odd pain that I get on a regular basis is also a fustrating thing. I notice that I ache for no particular reason and that it's somewhat random day by day. My feet are still swollen and I can't even beging to tell you my fustration with that. Swollen feet are not sexy. Not that I'm seeking sexiness but, I like to try to look attractive.
Another odd thing that I've been experiencing is the lack of desire. I'm rather passionate person in the things I'm really interested in and the last 4 months I've not really been too passionate about anything. This who thing with Dr. H and school currently, normally I would be knocking on doors and taking care of business but, I have no desires to do it. I'm taking care of business but, it's tedious and I'm forcing myself to do it.
Sexual desire is kinda out the window too. I really have no desire to have sex which is an oddity...and to be perfectly frank, this topic is very difficult for me to talk about. Being of asian decent Sex is a taboo topic to disscuss but, it's part of something I noticed and thought I should mention.
I have this thing where I have a tremendous amount of pain in the morning with my feet and legs. I don't notice it until I actually get up and walk on them. WOW, the searing pain to the point where I nearly fall down and a tear come out of my eye. In actual fact it's more of a Stabbing pain than a searing pain. The ironic thing is, like a charlie horse, you need to basically walk it off. The more I walk to better it feels to a certain point. Forcing myself to walk is a struggle. This is the catch though...the more I walk the less pain I get to a certain point HOWEVER, the more I walk the bigger swelling occurs. Caryn calls it elephant feet. It's Kinda crazy how big my feet get. SO, I am self conscience of this and it scares me but apparently my doctor says it's normal. Frankly it's normal that's fine in a medical stand point however, in a vain way it bothers me and freaks me out that it could be permanant.
Which is an odd thing for me. I've never been a vain person. I love knowing beautiful things like in art, music, nature, etc but, never one who cared too much about how I looked. I care now. Which is really odd. I notice my hands are looking older and older. It seems like an excelerated rate. Imperfections in my face and skin. I have no hair right now but, you know if I had it it would bother me too...I'd probably find something wrong with it. I find this peculuar and unnatural. I supose it's another annoyance and fustration that I'm dealing with.
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