Struggles

It's difficult for me to talk about my struggles and perhaps that's why I haven't really been saying much. It's easy to complain and because of that I don't really want to say too write too much. I really want to remain happy and not have to think about things that are negative.

One of the things that I struggle with currently is my memory. I would have thought by now I would have an easier time I mean, some normality but, seriously I have no idea where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to at times. It's scary. Somehow I manage to figure things out but sometimes I can't. My sister Caryn lent me her GPS just incase I got lost which has proven to be very helpful. I can't begin to tell you how often I was only a block away from my destination and I couldn't figure out where I was, whipped out the GPS and boom I coulda walked to the destination. Chicago is my home, I know this area fairly well and I have never had this problem with direction before.

Getting ready to go has become a chore. I'm generally organized (though you could never tell by my room, it's a terrible mess) I may be messy but I know where everything is...well I used to. Living with people is difficult because you never know where your things are...is it gone because they took it or did I misplace it. Often when I'm ready to leave to go somewhere you'll find me going up and down the stairs about 20 times looking for stuff...only to get to where I'm trying to look for something to have forgotten what I was looking for in the first place. I think half the trips I make up and down the stairs is me forgetting why I came up the stairs the first place.

Fatigue...Yesterday I sat with a friend I hadnt seen since the spring which is normal but, she had breast cancer a few years back. She wanted to know the status of how I was doing. so we had alot to catch up with. The last thing we talked about however was radiation treatment. Honestly I'm not sure why doctors lie about this treatment...I was told that it was no big deal and I would just feel tired at the end of the day...no pain involved...nothing to worry about. Yeah that's not the case. I'm more tired now than when I was on Chemo. I have these strange bouts of extreme tiredness. And it hits suddenly. You don't realize it until it's too late. And suddenly you want to lay down but often I can't because I'm at school or I'm out and about. SO I muddle through and push forward. My friend told me that's normal. She felt extreme fatigue too and she was actually suprised that I returned to school. Then she stopped herself and said well, it's Barb fatigue...which means she felt that I have the determination to keep going. She was remembering last semester when I returned to school so soon after my second surgery. She recalled her surgery and it had taken her 6 weeks to recover. I was back at school two weeks after my surgery. So, everyone who helped me go through the past 9 months knows how determined I am to just keep going regardless of how I feel. SO, I often hear Barb you need to slow down, or you need to rest, or Barb take it easy.

I suppose had I not been stuck at home months at a time lying in bed only able to stare at the ceiling I might been able to take things more easy. I like running around and being busy with things simply because I feel alive. What I don't like is hearing injustices to people who went through cancer and they being discriminated against. People have no idea how horrific cancer is. The struggles you have to go through, the pain, the indignity, the fear...

Indignity...when you find out about cancer no matter how empathedic a hospital is to a patient's woes you feel violated on a regular basis. Why? Because you often have multiple people stare at you and the area of where the cancer is. I can't tell you how often I lay naked in a doctors office when 4 or 5 different people walk in. And there isn't anything you can really do about it but just lie there and try not to let it bother you. I could express the embarrassment but what good would it do? Each of those people for one reason or another needs to see you naked.

Then the treatments...how many needles have I been poked with? how many times I don't want to deal with going to treatment. You are willingly exposing yourself to death. Poisoning yourself. You feel the poison corsing through your body knowingly that this is a MAYBE fix. A whole year of your life putting yourself through pain and suffering all for what? A MAYBE fix. They can't guarentee I would be cancer free for the rest of my life. I've met three people so far who had thier cancer return within 3 years. I've hear many other stories of people who have been in remission for 10 + years. But it's those three people that stick out in my head. If I get cancer again do I really want to deal with this all over again?!