Chemo

What can I say about Chemo...it is very different for different people. I gotta say the past 6 months of my life has been the hardest 6 months I have EVER gone through, Chemo has been really rough to deal with. Each cycle has been different almost completely and for the most part I've been rather terrified each and everytime I go for Chemo.

My first Chemo started about mid semester. I chose to have my first cycle of Chemo in the hospital and have an overnight stay. It's always recommended to do this because you never know how your body would react to the chemo. This day my port was accessed for the first time. Yeah, that was terrifying and intriging all at the same time. My port is a device that was implanted at the same time as my partical mascetomy. this is where blood can be drawn and my infusion is put in. The idea is they use this port so that my viens would not collapse after the chemo is administered. The port is located on my chest connected to my left juglar and my left arm vien. They say it's easier than having a IV needle the size of a pencil being inserted...maybe I'm exagerating a little bit, but it's still really scary even after my fourth cycle.

The process of accessing my port...an hour before you arrive to the hospital you add the horrble cream that is supposed to numb the area. The longer you have it on the more numb you become. Personally, the two shots of whatever numbing agent they have is far more effective in my opinion. They bring you into a room and literally LOCK the door behind them no one is allowed in or out of the room until the proceedure is complete. As a patient you are NOT to bring anything in the room with you. A nurse seats you on a table where your seated upright. While you're sitting there the nurse chit chats with you, I think this is an attempt to calm you as they pull out needles, boxes, swabs, sheets, ect and prepares for the proceedure.

First thing they do after they have everything layed out is they wash thier hands.Then they hand you your mask and put on thier mask, they then unwrap the set of gloves out of thier containers where she then unwraps all the needles, tubes, tape etc from thier individually wrapped packaging. There is this swab thing that looks like one of those dishwashing sponges with the tube so that you don't have to keep adding soap. But this thing is only ment to be used only once. Breaking the seal thier is a clear liquid that comes out of the sponge. She swabs the area which feels like a cool alcholly feel to it. It's quite interesting. And waits for it to dry. By this time the area should be completely numb right? Yeah not really...She switches to another set of gloves and prepares the needles...

The needles are connected to very thin tubes with connectors. The tubes are about 4 inches long. Needles are about 1 to 1/2 cm long...remember I have two ports that are being accessed. SO, she picks up the first needle, I'm sweating, I can't see what thier doing cause if I bend my head they can't see what thier doing and even if I did bend my head I can't see my port. Then she tells me ok BREATH OUT...they say it doesn't hurt...but it does...it's more of an annoying hurt that an OWE hurt but you feel the SNAP, that unnatural snap, the horrible snap. THEN you realized OH dear god there is another one they have to do...OK, Breath out again...Hurt just as bad!! Annoying pain doesn't go away all day.

My first round of Chemo was very stressful. It was unfortunate that the hospital was changing over systems at the same time as I was starting. I gotta say, it was complete chaos. I was supposed to start my chemo at 11 am...I didn't start my chemo until 6:45pm. To me I didn't have the optimal observation time. I was released at 9 am the next day so, I might as well have the outpatient chemo.

The first time I had the Chemo pumped into my body...THAT was the worse 5 mins of my life. The first few mins was fine as the nurse was standing over me. As soon as she walked out of the room...HERE came the WAVES of nausea. The room span so fast, I never felt like throwing up more than I did in those five mins in my entire life. I pressed that nurse button less than 5 seconds after she walked out...it took her 5 mins to return...in the grand scheme of things...it's not that big a deal. BUT, it was a long 5 mins...I then heard her say opps, but the drip too fast there...SIGH

My friend Michelle was online and kept me company for a while...Great thing the internet technology thing!! I had a traffic of people parading in and out of my IM. It was fabulous. No one had to see me at the hospital (unless they REALLY wanted to via video cam), I didn't have to feel guilty to have people drive to see me, and people could keep me company via IM.

The Chemo ended at about 11:45pm. It didn't knock me out as bad as I thought it would. Over the next few weeks though...PHEW. The effects of Chemo is over time and not immediate. Atlease the first round was for me. The two days after Chemo your nauseated and fatigued but when the third day hit OH MY GOSH, PAIN!! So much pain I cried. Bone, Muscle, skin Everything hurt. More I layed down the more I tried to sleep the more pain occured. SO, Caryn suggested we walk, go shopping. More I moved the less pain I got. It was a cold Sunday afternoon. She took me to the grocery store and bought LOTS of fruit. We discovered that smoothies help elevate the nausea almost instantaneously. So we walked around the grocery store picking fruit...after we finished shopping she looked at me and asked WELL, lets go to the shoe shop that is 20 mins away...

OK, I thought, this might be a bad idea...But, it turned out to be a good one. We went to a shoe shop to have one of her shoes repaired and then walked for about a mile. Which made me feel SOO much better. After we went to my other sister's house Anne where her husband Matt made dinner for us. Over all it was a great day. I think it set the remainder of week. Because I was able to get to class without any problems.

Jen Brady

So I haven't written much about what's going on for a while now, I apologise for this, I've been rather depressed for the past three months and just not motivated to write...plus struggling with school, healing, and Chemo hasn't exactly been the easiest thing I've had to deal with.

Since I left off, I've was about halfway through the semester. I've been struggling with completing the semester. I don't think I could have ever completed this semester without my friends from school more specifically my friend Jen Brady. She has been so supportive of me and has helped me through my struggles with my classes. Being empathic with my illness and proving me with the MOST awesomest notes to help me through the classes. She pushed me to take classes that I thought I wouldn't have the energy to take but, at the end of the semester was REALLY happy I took it. She never let me give up on myself or my classes.

I think she's the most beautiful person I know both inside and out. Anyway, I don't think I would ever get through this past semester without her. There were alot of other people who helped me through this difficult time but she stood out more than anyone else, outside of my family of course.

Last serious Post was March

I had finished my first round of Chemo and started losing my hair...I freaked out and decided to shave my head.

Since then I've had my second and third round of Chemo. Everyone asks me what are the effects...I can say this much...It's been really different each time I have Chemo. The first time I described the experience in that last blog. The second cycle so far the worse experience. I first the hospital was changing over the system so it was the first time I had to deal with my Chemo on the system. It was a rather unique experience since suddenly I had a new doctor that I have NEVER met. No one told me I would have a new doctor and I had no idea what was going on. I realized that my finals had fallen right in the middle of finals SO, I didn't think I could handle my finals and my assignments all at the same time with Chemo so I had a fairly complicated and horrific ordeal trying to fix the situation with the hospital and re-routing my shedule was a difficult task for me.

A New day

Well, I've just finished my third round of Chemo, My exams, and I'm preparing for the Power test that I will be attending May 18th 2008. I'm sorry I haven't been writting too much since the problem with my last blog it's just be very difficult to maintain my spirits in fear that something would happen to my blog...SO, I have a found new drive to carry on with this new blog and ALL the blogs that I happen to have backed up is ALL here. Currently I believe I uploaded the new blogs in chronological order so if you're new to my blog you can read up in order the events of my life up until this point...The last I wrote wasn't much of anything so I'll try to update everything since I seriously wrote.

First day of school Current mood: blissful

Well, it was the first day of school and I'm taking a new teacher I've not had before. He seems very nice and I am looking forward to this class. I had an opportunity to see my friends and I'm so happy to have seen them. I've sorta been in recluse from most of my friends from school and it's been bad but, I've been so busy with everything it's very hard for me to make time.
It's so interesting to hear other people's stories when they just find out about your cancer for the first time. Their empathy, kindness, and their stories of cancer. I am really looking forward in seeing Dr. Kilzer for tomorrow's class. I thought his class would have been on Monday but it was actually on Wednesday which thus far most of my treatments, surgeries, and appointments fall around his class which is a good thing...I'm psyched about his class and I think I'm motivated enough that I will complete last semester some time this week and next.

First Blog My Cancer

My Cancer
Well, I'm not sure when to start...aproximately 10 months ago I found a lump in my breast. I had lost alot of weight the previous 2 years slowly and gradually and thought well, it's probably just fatty tissue that had lumped as some people have told me it might be...I put off having it checked for months because lots of things were happening to me at that time...

During the 10 months, LOTS of things happened...may mistakes but the highlight was my trip to Belize for an archaeological dig with my Prof Dr. Hageman. It was the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life, I really didn't want to come home...at that time I had no idea the lump in my breast was cancer...I knew it was there and in the back of my mind actually knew it wasn't good...I guess I was in denial...

When I returned home from Belize I reunited with an ex boyfriend briefly and he had mentioned the lump...What can I say, I began to be embarrased about the lump, I still ignored it...

School started and I ignored it still but mainly focusing on finishing school because I need to get out of school asap...Some time in September I went to the school's nurse to get an annual. I told her about the lump and she said she was worried about it...That was my first indication of a real problem...STILL I ignored it.

I bumped in to a really old friend to whom I had been missing so much over the past few years and had been thinking of her and her mother. When I found out her mom had past away from breast cancer...I also started to feel pain in around the lump So, I decided I really needed to go see a doctor so, on Tuesday October 30, 2007 I went to see Dr. Jane Bang about the lump. She felt the lump and told me quiet frankly because of my age I should worry about it too much...but she sent me to get an ultrasound.

On Friday November 9th, 2007 I get my first appointment to see the radiologist. He was a really nice guy...he told me when he saw the ultra sound I had one of two options I can have the lump removed or I could get a needle biopsy...but because it was SO close to my lymph nodes he thought it would be best to have it removed right away...That is when I found out that I had breast cancer.

WELL, the radiologist strongly pointed that it most likely was breast cancer...That night, still in shock I went to see a concert with my classmates and with Dr. Zanca...I think I was still in shock...I told Kyle, a friend, and I told Dr. Zanca what was going on...

On November 12, I met with a surgeon and on November 13 I had surgery to remove the lump.
The pathology came back positive for ductal carcinoma in-situ...which is breast cancer.This is were everything went crazy...I was looking at my doctor trying to figure out what he was saying and I see my little sister in the corner of my eye and she was crying...I calmly started talking to my doctor he was telling me the plan of attack and all I could hear were her tears.

I got home that night not sure what to do or what to say so I pulled my homework out and started studying...but this time my dad had come home and sorta woke me up. He was rather upset and God bless my dad, I love him alot and I know he loves me alot but, he fliped out...

He didn't take the news well, and I understand that he doesn't understand his own feelings so when something negative happens he doesn't know how to express them except with anger...SO, PLEASE what I'm going to say is NOT how my dad really is but this is how he reacted...He is a loving person whom loves me a great deal.
He wakes me up at midnight when he got home to tell me you know you're going to die...he repeats himself 4 more times then proceeds to tell me I'm not only going to die but die in the manor inwhich my mother died. Yeah the next two weeks were not fun...

Continuation of my first blog

So my dad freaking out wasn't too much fun. Dr. Peckler, whom did my first surgery was not the best doctor in the whole wide world but, he is a surgeron and though there is no excuse to be a jerk, I'm not sure he deserved the rath my dad gave him.
So, I'll back track a little bit.

When I found out the possiblity of cancer was presence I was given a choice. The choice to have a needle biopsy, which I could have but, the results may be inconclusive because the mass was so large. Option 2 remove the tumor and have a biopsy later...pray that it isn't cancerous. The doctors pressed me to take option two.

At the same time...
My divorce was supposed to be finalized ... which meant that my health insurance will run out soon. SO, I was stressed out about that. Now new questions started to pop up. How am I going to pay for this? what happens if it's cancerous?
So I decided option two would have been the best considering I was running out of time with my insurance. I was praying that it was not cancerous and the removal of the lump was something that I can forget about.
When the pathology came back it wasn't good news...when I left the doctor's office I went to the desk and told the receptionist not to call my home phone cause I never answer it and I didn't want my dad to answer the phone.
They called my house phone...and this is where the nightmare begins. Up until this point I was fine...I consoled my sister, I didn't cry, I wasn't numb, it was more like OH, I have cancer...well what do I have to do to fix it? And if I can't how long to I have so I can say good bye to everyone?
I saw how the news affected everyone I loved and it broke my heart...I've been struggling with being happy and strong for everyone and finding it very difficult. I feel like I have to struggle making everyone happy and that's what I'm fighting for, not because I want to but because I don't want the illiness I have hurt anyone I love.

Because the receptionist called my house after I specifically told her not to call my house, my dad answers the phone and berated her. Now the conversation between my dad and the receptionist I get conflicting accounts. But basically he acted poorly and she acted poorly. My father just found out his daughter had cancer and in his mind it was a death sentence for me. And as I said I don't know what she said however, I believe my father when he said she wasn't polite or even compassionate since I have met this person and to my knowledge, she was not a nice person.
Needless to say, she hung up the phone on my dad and told Dr. Peckler that my dad wanted to speak to him...Which I am positive my dad wouldn't request something like that. Dr. Peckler called my dad, they fought on the phone...I cringed.
At this point I was exhausted, 4 days out of surgery and I have to deal with my father, treatment, Doctors, school, and my family...

My classes Current mood: depressed

So, I know I haven't finished my account of what happened to this point but I have to say something that has really caused me great stress...
So, thus far my professors have been great support of me and I've been keeping them informed to what's going on...this is the end of the semester and there isn't anything I can do but to miss classes with doctor appointments, getting second opinions, surgery, and treatments. All my professors have told me they would work with me and worse comes to worse would be willing to give me an "I" if things worsens for me. I didn't want that to happen but, I thought ok, atlease it gives me some breathing room.
This week in near the end of the semester and finals are comming up...and honestly, I can't think of anything to do with school...I'VE truely tried to get the class work done over the past three weeks. The only thing I haven't completed was in one class, I turned in all other homework. to that one class I emailed the instructor, to whom was the 2nd person who found out about my cancer outside of my family, about the progress of my problem. I requested his assistance and understanding of my situation.
He responded with:
Hello Barbara--
I'm sorry to hear you will be unable to return to school for a while. As this prevents you from completing your courses I'd encourage you to let your instructors know this and ask them what they would do in your shoes regarding the class. I'd suggest a medical withdrawal from the Latin American Arch and History of classes. I'm sorry, but it seems to be the best option at this point. I am happy to write a letter of support for you in this matter. I'd also get the ball rolling this week rather than finals week.
It's not easy to face but administratively it's relatively easy to do. Good luck.
--Dr. H.
This horrified me...ALL OF THAT WORK...this class has not been an easy class...3 one page paper due every week on a monster subjects with aproximately 50 pages to read every week plus the pressure of talking to speak in public on topics you really have no idea what you just read even though you read it a hundred times...This depressed me to no end...Had I had a gun I would have killed myself...I called my sister and she encouraged me to email him back
this is what I wrote:
Hi Dr. H,
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about this whole matter and it's been rather difficult, I'm going to be honest with you. When my doctor told me I shouldn't return next semester that is when I started crying for the first time I found out about my cancer.

I've already withdrawn from Latin American Arch...I wonder if I was doing so poorly in History that there isn't a way for me to salvage this past semester for History?

Thank you
Barbara
This is his response:
Hello Barbara--
I know you want to do well in your classes and that you're a dedicated student but you've simply missed too many weeks of classes, papers, and discussions. This also, in my estimation, will prevent you from passing the final and also the course. I hear you're not happy about having to withdraw from your courses, but it sounds like you've got much more important concerns at this point. I wouldn't suggest a withdrawal if I didn't think it was in your best interest.
Think of it this way. When (not 'if', but 'when') you do come back you'll be that much more ahead of everyone else in these classes and not only will you have a much fuller experience (particularly in History of) but you'll most likely end up with a better grade as a result. For the moment, however, you've got a very serious illness that, should you not devote your full attention and energy to, may keep you from returning for much longer than otherwise. Those are my two cents.
Keep your chin up; lots of folks here are pulling for you.
--Dr. H.
I have been so stressed and sick with worry about this the entire week that I had not been able to concentrate on the finals that I have left...I had called the Chair of the anthropology department to ask for her help and she called me back today. I explained to her the situation and the best thing she could do was talk to Dr. H. Just having to recount the whole ordeal has put me through a loop...I can't even begin to tell you how distressed I am...as I'm supposed to be concentrating on healing and getting better I'm stuck worried about a class that has little relivance to my life...SURE it's interesting to know where the history of Anthro is and how we got to this topic but...is it worth my life? If I can't get an "I" for this class I lose my grant money...if I lose my grant money I won't be able to return to school...this is something Dr. H is well aware of. If I can't return to school I don't know what I'm going to do...
This whole process has cause such a stress I don't know what to do...all I can do is cry at this point which I haven't stopped since Monday...

Clarification Current mood: shocked

Some folks have voiced thier concern for me and the things that I've written in my blogs and what has been plaguing my mind which are the things that have been happening to me thus far...I want to apologize to have you all believe that situations were more extreme than they really are...So, I want to clearify...
1) My dad...I love him dearly and I know he loves me dearly. He has a funny way of showing it.
*people have thier way of dealing with thier own emotions and as a wanna be anthropologist I am learning to view things unbias. My dad lost his wife to cancer so in a sort of way my cancer has mirrored my mother's cancer...even though we had completely different cancers the news hit him really hard.
* when you see him berating me it is his way of saying I love you in a really fucked up sort of way...and I'm not saying it's right I'm saying try not to view it as a bad thing...just as something that happened.
* My dad is a great person and great man. He has helped more people than everyone I have ever known (not including my dad) combined. He's saved literally hundreds of people's lives. and touched so many others in such good ways. I remember when I was in my 20's, NOT REALLY all that long ago perfect strangers would suddenly pop up calling my father's name Mr. SHAW! and my father would wear a look of unreconisition where this person would repeat thier count of how he had saved thier lives. By this time I had already been used to it but every year he grew further away from his former job it would amaze me how many people would still come up to him to recount how MY FATHER would have saved thier lives from certain parrel.
My dad, has a unconventional way of dealing with things...I am proud of my father and love him dearly as he loves me. PLEASE as I had written before don't judge him based on this one account. He has taken good care of me brings me light every day and gives me a reason to live.
2) These four weeks have been very trying and I apologise if I sound like I'm complaining. I have been venting my fears, fustrations, and anxiety.
* most of my fustration has been school. though I had ONE issue with ONE class for the most part people have been rather supportive of me.
* The news of school hit me the hardest because it was the realization this was real...this has actually stopped my life...this has stopped my plans...and yes I know it's only temporarily but, this is how I feel.
* THIS REALLY SUCKS
* I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling weak, I hate that my body is failing me
3) perhaps I am too serious about school
* I just had a plan I so just want to graduate and now it's been pushed back at least a year...
* THIS SUCKS
4) my recollection of my doctors...
* I wish I were alone in this
* As I have found out through others who are going through this I'm not
* I haven't even begun explaining what happened to me in regards to doctors
I think those are the main points...I thank all those who have put thier input on what I've written thus far. I hope to finish my recollection to date soon...but I unfortunately have more pressing matters to deal with...Finals...I am desparate in attempting to complete them on time...I hope to have the papers done in a timely mannor as well...
PLEASE continue in giving me feed back. If you'd like to help me with my project PLEASE email me or message me. irregardless I would love to hear, read, smell (um ok, maybe not smell) your comments.
Thanks again and I hope to hear from you all again soon...KISSES

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:42 am

Continuation of the beginning
I have to back track a little to about the time of my surgery...
during the time I was supposed to make the decision between the needle biopsy and the surgery to remove the tumor, I was feeling the pressure to just have the thing removed...SO, I did...the decision and the proceedure was so fast, I basically found out on a Friday and by Tuesday the tumor was removed. It was crazy fast and I had no idea if I did the right thing...
The options were not pointed out to me, the risks, the positives, the negatives...Basically, one way or another the tumor had to be removed. The night before the surgery I was told nothing...I have never been into surgery before so I had no idea what to expect. I was a little suprised as to how little information I had gotten on preping the night before...I always thought you weren't supposed to eat of drink anything before ... So I called the office before they closed and
they said..."OH YES, don't eat anything before your surgery"...silence...
"OK, how long...", I responded
"Oh, have you eaten anything now?", her response
"I wanted to eat dinner" I responded
"Oh, well you probably shouldn't eat a heavy meal, probably mostly liquids until midnight and nothing after then..." her response.
At this point I'm not too happy, my anxiety shoots up the roof...What kind of place is this? I'm not even going to a hospital for surgery...So I fought with myself that night in cancelling the surgery and seeking another surgeon. But decided well, it has to come out anyway, if the dude smells like alcohol when I see him before surgery I'm outta there. He didn't but was really rude to my sister when she asked him some questions...
she asked him, "if you cut open and expose the cancer...can it spread faster throughout the body?"
Dr. Peckler responded with a GAWF, "you people with your internet, THAT"S an old wives tale, if cancer reacted that way there would be NO survivors."
Yeah I should have walked out from there. But they already IV'ed me up and put a seditive in so...
Before the conversation I waited a LONG time. All the other patients were talking to thier doctors and the nurses scurried around and realized I hadn't been talked to so they surrounded me and talked to me while I waited for my doctor to see me before the surgery. In the meantime the nurses thought I was there for a needle biopsy not to remove the tumor. I was confused and I kept correcting them and they intern kept correcting me...
They told me Well, you'll be awake for this proceedure...Secretly I was excited to be awake...I wanted to see everything, I wanted to see this tumor, I wanted to actually save it and name it, yeah I know I'm weird. The anasesiologist assured me I would be awake throughout the proceedure even after Dr. Peckler finally came in and talked to me and confirming he was actually cutting the tumor out.
The time came where they wheeled me into the surgery room...I was nervous then. I couldn't believe it. the anastesiologist and the nurses preping me hurried around and then they started pushing in the drug. As this drug was coursing through my body is when the
Anasesiologist said..."Oh, by the way, we're knocking you out. You should feel, wah wah whu wah wah wah wah....do you?"
All I could do was nod. I couldn't protest.
When I awoke I was alone. Nurse finally came by and said all went well...and the first thing I asked was how long had I been out?
"Not long" she said, "Just 45 mins"
Ok, try 2 hours...I didnt get home until late afternoon I had been there since 8 am went into surgery at 11 and when I woke up it was 1:30...HOW is that 45 mins?
They gave me no instruction on what I had, what incisions I had. How to take care of my wound...they didn't tell my sister either...The next two weeks with my family freaking out, school is on my mind, and trying to find another doctor, the wound was not a good thing for me to also have on my mind.
I had thousands of questions like how do I know it's not infected, don't I need antibiotics? what happens if I pull the bandaid off (YES, it was a bandaid). How do I bath? Can I bath? Where do I go if something goes wrong?!
In the mean time, dad freaking out and yelling at my doctor so, don't really feel comfortable in talking to him again...my sisters are all hysterical...my step mom is trying to be helpful but, is adding to confusion. So, I locked myself in my room.
My best friend Mike and my Younger sister Caryn talked alot to me. Mike did alot of the research for me and told me my cancer isn't so bad. NOT that it;s something you should ignore but it's not really the worse kind to have. So with that news my little sister talked to him and it calmed her down where she helped calm my dad down.
NOW the task of finding a new doctor...NEW NIGHTMARE

Monday, December 10, 2007 10:40am

New Treatment Current mood: blah
Finding a new doctor was difficult. Mainly because I was still healing and because my dad alienated my doctors (yes pural doctors) they didn't want to treat me. I quite frankly didn't want to go see them either, because a) I was not happy how they treated my dad, b) not happy how they treated me, and c) I was a little embarrased. So I had this open wound, and had no idea how to care for it. scared and freaked out while I was in limbo. There was talk about going to the emergency room because there was pain, my boob was getting swollen, on set that it didn't help that my step mother is hysterical sometimes on the littlest things. So every so often she would plant in my brain that there was something wrong.
In the mean time my little sister, who has been a wonderful supporter, had been searching for a new doctor and found Cancer Treatments of America. I was fairly reluctant and very depressed at this point. I really was resolved in just letting it all go and dying. Tired, fustrated, annoyed, and stressed out with the fighting, confusion, and irritation I just felt like giving up.
Caryn, my sister and my best friend in the whole wide world Mike, pushed me to keep going. Not to give up and my situation wasn't so bad, NOT ideal but not bad. Reluctantly I agreed to see other doctors.
Talking to Cancer Treatments of America was horrifying at first. I had always been trained to hear upbeat and extremely friendly people as someone to watch out for. Seriously, the way they were talking to me I felt I was being sold a car, not only a car but a lemon. I was really reluctant but, as I said, I had given up at this point...only real thing on my mind was school and how I was going to finish it...I know stupid.
With everything lingering with my life and feeling so depressed to the point where I wanted to die, I was thinking of school...I guess it was my personal driving force to continue...I'm not sure.
Anyway, Joe, my family's first contact to CTOA, made an effort to ease my fears. He kept asking me how I was doing, how the stress had been going for me, if there was anything he could do for me...I appreciated his sentiment but, seriously, he didn't know me so how could a perfect stranger be genuinely concerned for my well being? So, because my family was so animant about me going to this group I just didn't want to fight anyone any more at this point so I agreed...basically telling them just make it happen and I'll show up.
Well, it wasn't that easy to just show up...CTOA needed all my medical records before I would be seen by anyone. it was kinda odd but they literally wanted EVERYTHING. It was fustrating but, I guess it was necessary. They gave the option to do it for me with a release form I had to sign but, it would take much longer.
Oh, backing up again,
My previous doctors informed me that I HAD to get the second surgery done right away. So within a week of my previous surgery, they had scheduled another surgery without my promision. At the same time my dad was arguing with them...YEAH, I wasn't going to go but was shocked when they called me the morning of the surgery inquiring if I was on my way or not.
My previous doctors stressed the importance of the second surgery because of some variance between the healthy cells and the malignant cells. They wanted me to go into radiation treatment soon after that and something about my lymph nodes...Had to do it or the cancer will spread super fast...This was the information I recieved when I found out about the tumor being cancerous. Dr. Peckler's office sent me to my primary doctor's office where the entire office treated me like I had the plague...my primary physician had conversations with Dr. Peckler and she didn't give me much more information. I'd ask her about treatment...she didn't know. I asked her about the cancer, she didn't know. pretty much anything I asked her, she didn't know...
ok Back to the story,
Much longer?! how much longer...the cancer is spreading (in my mind) If it spreads how am I going to finish school?! (yeah I know dumb, I think I was still in denial or something) So, I opted to get my records and have the Dr. Peckler send the records over...that meant contact with the office I didn't want to have contact with...SIGH, ok
I called them on a Friday, the week before Thanksgiving for the records. Pam, the receptionist for Dr. Peckler's office, asked me did I know what my father said to her and to Dr. Peckler...I didn't say anything but, I have a urgent matter I need to have my records sent to this fax number...Pam said she would prepare the paperwork and fax it over to my new doctor on Monday. (I'm purposely excerpting the majority of the conversation, it's not needed, we'll just leave it as a bad experience)
By Monday, Joe called me informing me they had only record they received was a letter from Dr. Peckler. Joe informed me the letter was a conversation between my dad and Dr. Peckler. NOTHING ELSE CAME THROUGH although the fax cover indicated 7 more pages. SO, I called Dr. Peckler's office and politely asked if I can just pick up my medical records. I had asked them please have specific records in the copy...they agreed but told me it would take them 3 HOURS to complete. I had class, I was exhausted, I was stressed. I went to the office to pick up the file...LOW and BEHOLD, the file wasn't complete, nor was the letter Dr. Peckler had written to my new doctor. All they gave me was 6 pages. None of which were relivant or what I already had. Either have have a horrific copy machine that copies 2 pages an hour or they're just delaying things for me...
So, I contacted Joe again, and informed him I wasn't able to obtain what he requested, I also contacted my older sister Anne about what was happening. My sister, Anne, called Dr. PECKER and said something to him (Shhh, she's an attorney, she doesn't like it when I tell people that). The very next day...Joe got all the records he had requested...WELL, isn't that interesting?!
over Thanksgiving diner I found out my sister accidentally called him Dr. Pecker. She honestly thought it was Pecker. We all had a good laugh when she was done recounting her conversation with the office...She kept saying Pecker and Caryn and I kinda snickered...Then when she was done speaking I said without interuption, his name is PECKLER, there is an L. She turned white and then said OH MY GOD, why didn't anyone tell me?!?! a ROAR of laughter came from the table. My step mother giggled (she not american) asked what is a Pecker?
Anne, Caryn and I snickered and said (this is how I know we're related) at the same time "ask dad."
Dad had a loud roar of laughter and said "No No No, I'm not telling her..."
She insisted and he said "I'll tell you later"
She insisted, with our guests seated around us, my sisters and I looked at my dad and KNEW he was about to tell her without warning up so all three of us turned our heads, covered our ears, and sang LALALA LA LALA until he was done telling her...She bursted out with a laughter that I'm sure our neighbors heard.
The next day I had gotten a phone call from Joe to inform me he had gotten the remander of my records but it was still incomplete. HOWEVER, it was due to the fact that all the tests were not back yet but he wanted to know if I wanted to schedule to see the doctors anyway...OF COURSE...
Cancer Treatments of America is a HUGE facility where people from across the country come to seek treatment here. when I went to my appointment I had no idea how long it would take. My appointment was scheduled for 11 am so I thought, I'd be out by 12 maybe 1 pm so I thought I have time to go to class...YES I KNOW...
I didn't get out of there until 8 pm. They poked, proded, asked every 5 mins how I was doing...the entire staff was FAR too happy...I felt like they were all cheerleaders in medical clothing. It was really creepy. And they were FAR too happy to see me, and then I found out why. Most of the patients there were deadly ill, fair worse off than I was. They didn't keep thier patients in the greeting area, but this is something I saw later, much later. Anyway, I wanted to run after just 5 minutes, I stuck it out cause my sister wanted me to stay. I normally would have felt lost in a place like this but, they made sure we knew where we were going for the most part. The enterance was magnificent. You don't get the sense of a hospital here at all. It felt more of a hotel or a resort than a hotel...that hospital smell of disinfectant, death, or sanitation wasn't there...there were plants, nice smells, and life in it's stead.
I met my nurses, my doctor, and got poked, proded, and asked thousands of questions. ALL took thier time explaining everything to me. Taking care to make sure I understood what was going on with my cancer, with what I had, how serious and how not serious it was making sure I understood I have options for treatment. Dr. Citrin, a WONDERFUL doctor, asked me questions of cancers in my history...I have been quiet healthy with very little non related cancers in my family history. Since I answered no to many of his questions...he said, well, you're of no interest to me...and laughed...He examined me again where he found another lump that didn't seem consistant to the surgery and said WELL, there is another lump but, since we're going to go back in there it's probably not that big a deal...
This is where he explained the treatment he recommended. Surgery, radiation, 5 months of Chemotherapy. Because the tumor was large enough, and the previous surgeon only removed 0>.01 mm of healthy tissue, he is 98% sure I will be going to get chemotherapy. Caryn started crying...then he asked...you have any other questions in regards to the treatment I am recommending?
I asked, what about school (YES I KNOW). That's when he had a grim look on his face...Well, I don't know...
Caryn responded, "If you're dead, you can't learn"
Dr. Citrin sorta nodded, and said well, ask your teachers or your advisor what you might be able to do...
I had SOOO many plans for this comming semester, and I'm SOOO crazy close to graduating, my world started to crumble. Tears started to form in my eyes
Seeing this Dr. Citrin quickly said "talk to a female advisor, perhaps she could help you out in this situation, Maybe the semester wouldn't be completely lost. But, you really shouldn't be going back to school this comming semester."
I was devasted.
Dr. Citrin added "don't worry too much, the key right now is try not to be too stressed. This is 100% treatable...but, if you don't follow the course and don't remain positive it can be fatale. So work on getting better now."
I guess that's when it hit me. That's when I realized how cancer is going to effect my life, how it is effecting my life. It's disrupted my life, my goals, my dreams. I HAVE to put my life on hold...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:05 pm

re: School Current mood: scared Category: Life
Well, problems with school have resolved. Clerical error on Dr. H's part in calculating my estimated grade cause him to belive I was going to have a problem with the final. I guess he thought I was doing far worse than he anticipated...he wrote me today letting me know I'm good to go with an "I". I have until the end of the Spring session to complete the final and finish up the last two assignments...I'm hoping I will be well enough by april to take the last 4 weeks of History of and take thier exam. Dr. H said he didn't think it would be a problem for me to sit on the last 4 weeks of classes.
I have two papers and one exam left for my other classes and then I'll be done...I hoping I'll be all caught up by next week but if I'm not able to make it to that point that I will recieve an "I" for the other two classes. I'm going to try to get as much done as possible before I start Chemo...
I've been feeling really sick lately so it's hard for me to accomplish this since I'm constantly needing to lay down. I'm not sure what thier giving me but, it's some homopathic remedy to get my immune system up, some other stuff to help me heal fast after surgery, and one more thing to help me not get radiation poisoning. This is all supposed to help me heal faster and get me to feel alright before, during, and after chemo...but it's making me noticibly more tired, I feel sick all the time, and I'm losing my appetite...I suppose I should ask if this is normal...there is very specific things I'm supposed to do when I take these meds like not have sugar, which I've been avoiding like the plague anyway and eating certain other foods...With everything going around it's hard to keep things straight.
Just a short Blog until next time...lots of homework and I need to lay down again. I have another Dr's appointment tomorrow/this morning and MY SISTER isn't comming with me...
I'm suprizingly scared about tomorrow, I don't know why...
PLEASE if you are reading this let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me.

Saturday, December 15, 2007 7:57pm

Posts Current mood: lethargic
I'm very sorry I haven't written anything for a few days now...I've been going to Dr appointments, getting treatments (nothing crazy just preparing my body for the next 6 months), trying to complete my finals (just the exam portions), and setting up my new schedule for next semester.
I'll write more soon...And thanks for everyone's concern for me...SMILES

Monday, December 17, 2007 10:27 pm

Blogging Current mood: depressed
Been kinda depressed lately so, I haven't been able to really do anything...Not really motivated to write in my blogg and not really motivated to do the homework/final and papers I've been promising myself to do last week.
Medications have worn me down. I keep feeding myself but, losing my appetite. so I'm sorta forcing myself to eat. Nausea is setting in. I haven't had Chemo yet but I go into surgery on the 7th of January and shortly after that I'll have Chemo...I still have a 2% chance of not having Chemo...So I guess that's something bright to look forward to.
The surgery is going to be fun. While I'm under the pathologist will be injecting my nipple with a radition dye where it will travel to my lump nodes. As this dye works into my body I'm going to have more of the tissue where they removed the lump. After they remove the lump Dr. Ray, a fabulous person, is going to call the pathologist again where they will be doing an on the spot testing of the cell (hold your breaths ladies and gentlemen) but this is where it is determined if I have to take Chemo. If there are signs of the cancer in the tissue, they will remove more and I will have to go to Chemo.
Step two...I'm still under mind you. the dye will make it's appearance soon in my lymph nodes. They will remove the sential nodes to check and see if the cancer spread into the lymph nodes. The sential nodes are the nodes that drain the breast and are the first of 30 nodes in that area. NOW, if there is cancer in those nodes, EVEN THOUGH there is no cancer in the tissue they just removed I will go through Chemo.
So what they are going to do when they remove the nodes...they will do a cross section while I'm still under. If there are any cancer cells they will remove the up to 7 more cells and check all those cells for cancer. If they do not see cancer, at a later time they will dissect the node at a later time. WHERE, Dr. Ray told me as long as I remind him he will take me to watch the dissection...WAHOO!! I got excited about that. I think he said it to cheer me up...After the dissection if there are any signs of cancer they will send me to surgery to remove more nodes...but its unlikely there will be anymore if they didn't catch it in the initial inspection. I won't know if they removed more nodes until I wake up and see drainage tubes...That's when I'll know the cancer spread to my nodes or not...

Thursday, December 20, 2007 10:02am

Thoughts Category: Blogging
So I can't help but to think that I understand why some people enjoy being sick. There is a certain amount of attention one gets while their sick. While I can understand this attention I can't seem to think how embarrassing it is for me.
I see people's eyes when they first hear about your breast cancer...it's more of OH you poor dear. Some reactions is I need to be nice because they see it as a death sentence. It's such a struggle to keep things happy for the most part and to give a happy face to it all. My friend Kevin tells me I should just become an asshole cause it seems that bad things always happen to really good people and since I'm the nicest person he knows I should just start kicking kittens...LOL. There has been so many people who have helped me through these times and I feel horrible to ask for help. But, I guess it's humbling for me to ask...I'm still struggling with the notion that I have limitations I need to not do so much. My life has turned upside down in so many ways. Everything that I have struggled with in my life such as my weight...I have learnt to eat a certain way, excersize, and generally be more active. My diet has changed. Everything I once held true to my diet has sorta gone away. SUCH AS, ALL soy products I'm not allowed to touch...YOU know how difficult that is for an Asian person?!? Drinking organic milk is something I have to drink now...I stop drinking milk almost 5 years ago. Eating a high caloric diet is hard...everything I've steered away from because I wanted to lose weight I now have to start eating. Aside from Beef and sugars...sure take the fun out of it completely...
So I get my first models in today for my project. It's only a test run and some ideas of how I want to pursue this...THANKS Kleo for the tips...you're awesome!! can't wait til I see the results!
Well, that's it for now...Will write more later

Wednesday, January 02, 2008 9:06 am

Back
Well I have come back from my vacation with my family a few days ago...I caught this horrible cold. My doctors have pushed back my surgery and treatment to January 7th so that I could have fun on my trip and to recoop from it.
I am actually really scared going into surgery the second time. I'm remembering the last time and what a horrible experience that was. I know CTOA is a much better place that seems to be competent. I'm just worried about the length of time it took for me to recoop from the last stint. I'm a little angry at the first set of doctors because they grossly made mistakes with my first surgery which I think has caused me some unexplained pain my breast. Hopefully the second surgery will correct this problem. Had the first surgeon did the right thing I would most likely never had to do the second surgery but, he didn't. I didn't know better and I was pressured into getting the procedure done right away.
Because of the first surgery the cancer might have spread and now they have to take a bigger chunk out of me. There isn't enough good things I can say about Cancer treatments of America. They truely are a good place to go when you have cancer. Anyway I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks...Can't say I'm thrilled I'm rather frightened to be truthful.

Thursday, January 3, 2008 11:12 am

Bills and Bills, and MORE BILLS Well, it's funny how sickness brings in medical bills like nothing...it's kinda scary really. I guess when it rains it pours...even if your medical insurance is supposed to be the best, being sick is expensive...PHEW!

Friday, January 04, 2008

Surgery change Current mood: amused Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Well, I went to my doctor appointment today. Once again it was an all day event. Starting at 9 am and ending my day at 4 pm with tests being scheduled for Monday at 9 am again. I suppose it is to be expected right befor surgery they have to be sure that I'm ok.
My surgery was scheduled for Monday January 7th at 5 am but, it's not going to happen since I have a terrible cold. I actually have a lung infection. So on antibiotics and cold medicine I'm feeling better but they aren't going to take any chances. So January 22nd is my new scheduled surgery time.
Today's appointment yielded something new...they took not one but TWO ekg's on me and found some problems. SO, I'm running through some test for my heart now. MAN when it rains it really pours eh?! Their concerned that I had chest pains and tightness on my chest area over break along side of the black out that I had a year ago after some rigorous work out. So their going to push the surgery back two weeks for my heart and for the lung infection. WHICH I get to go to school on Monday and straighten out some things with school and other projects I need to deal with.
I met with the cardiologist today Dr. Saboth (kind of a cool name) and he gave me yet another physical, I AM SO SICK of being poked and prodded in the bad way, asked me lots of questions about what was going on. He smiled and said..."well with your physical condition of being healthy, young, and no family history of heart disease, I am and you shouldn't be worried about having a heart condition..."
OK, I had to laugh...with the puzzled look on his face he asked "What's so funny?"
I told him, "well, that's exactly what they said about my cancer before I knew it was cancer..."
He smirked almost laughed too then realized the gravity of what I just said...I still thought it was funny and continued to laugh...then he said..." well I'm serious, you shouldn't have anything to worry about..."
My reply was, "so were they (the other doctors)..."
I think he was trying to reassure me but realized he wasn't really doing a good job at and I shouldn't have continued as I did, he's a really nice person just more bad news I have to find levity where I can find it. I'll probably apologize to him on Monday when I see him.
I was disappointed that treatment is pushed back another two weeks. It really sucks, I just want to get this over with but, I understand it's better to be safe than to be sorry. The sooner I get the surgery the sooner I get the Chemo, and the sooner I can start healing which means the sooner I can get back to my normal self again.
I noticed today that my memory has faded quite a bit. My old self I would not have a problem bumping into someone and instantly recognizing that person. I may not remember their name but I'd remember their face at the bear minimum. As Caryn and I were waiting for the Doctor today this woman came up to me and started talking to me. My sister recognized her instantly, Caryn has a bad memory. I had NO idea who she was, where we had met. Obviously she was a patient and we met in the hospital but I had not recollection of the encounter. KINDA freaked me out.
She was there to get her 3rd cycle of Chemo and she was shocked that I hadn't even received one dosage yet. Which is probably a good thing if their not rushing my treatment. I guess it just means though my condition is serious...it's not life threaten. We chatted for a bit and then she had to go for her appointment. We waited to see my Dr and then went to visit her again. It still disturbed me that even after the visit I still had no idea who she was or where we had met. She gave me invaluable information about what to expect during Chemo. Making sure I understand that I NEED to bitch if I feel discomfort because most likely they can fix the problem. Chemo isn't so bad not like when my mother went through it. By the time we ended our visit I finally remembered who she was. OTG! I was so relieved I finally remember. I would have visited her regardless...She was a really nice lady and plus people need to talk to people who aren't their care takers and aren't in the STAFF...

Monday, January 07, 2008 10:18 am

So I saw a UM, person who does tests on hearts today...not a doctor. I got to see my heart pump blood. It was pretty cool. I'm planning of going to school tonight Feel kinda weird about going to school again since I hadn't finished last semester yet...Keep promising myself to finish this week and then something new happens...

Monday, January 14, 2008 7:42 am

First day of school Current mood: blissful
Well, it was the first day of school and I'm taking a new teacher I've not had before. He seems very nice and I am looking forward to this class. I had an opportunity to see my friends and I'm so happy to have seen them. I've sorta been in recluse from most of my friends from school and it's been bad but, I've been so busy with everything it's very hard for me to make time.
It's so interesting to hear other people's stories when they just find out about your cancer for the first time. their empathy, kindness, and their stories of cancer. I am really looking forward in seeing Dr. Kilzer for tomorrow's class. I thought his class would have been on Monday but it was actually on Wednesday which thus far most of my treatments, surgeries, and appointments fall around his class which is a good thing...I'm psyched about his class and I think I'm motivated enough that I will complete last semester some time this week and next.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Public Aid Current mood: content Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Well for some reason ALL financial determination all came into junction yesterday. My student aid, public aid, and social security. I struggled with Financial Aid on the phone, got a rejection letter from SSI, and pulling together the paperwork needed for Public Aide.
I'm applying for public aide because I have to cut down on school and as a result have lost some funding...it's kinda sad but, I gotta do what I have to do to survive. My friend Bill, who is a chicago det, had to convince me last month to apply. He sorta gave me the riot act on how silly it would be for me NOT to partake in the system. He basically told me if anyone needs the assistance it would be me, I should do him a favor and take some of the money he's put into the system, since he's probably never going to see a dime of it. Hehehe, I still wasn't convinced...damn my pride. I talked to my dad and he pretty much said the same thing as my friend Bill and nudged me to go into that direction. Anything to help out with my medical bills would help out the situation I'm in. Medical bills are mounting and I feel horrible for me to ask my dad for money. This is the time of my life I should be taking care of him and instead he's taking care of me. I am sure he doesn't mind...but I mind.
So, I went to my appointment to public aid and I went to SS office to contest my denial. Everyone there told me about 90% of the people are denied the first go around. So, don't be too discouraged just appeal it...I wasn't too shocked when the people in the office told me that, what I was surprised was that the people in the office was encouraging me to appeal it. They gave me a list of attorneys to help me with my appeal. And though they don't charge for the fight they take a percentage of my SS. A balancing act for me. I am certain I won't be getting too much from SSI but something is better than nothing.
Public Aid was interesting. I have to admit I was scared at first when I went into the office. It's not really a fun place to attend but you end up staying there for hours. I worry because I can't really make too many trips to this office in fear of getting sick. I really can't afford getting sick at this point. My surgery had been pushed back twice already and it makes me nervous to think there might be some cancer still in my body. I do feel another lump that makes me nervous...my doctors won't confirm or deny if their nervous about the same thing so, I'm just going to sit back and wait for the next pathology report. Anyway, I might not have to deal with going back, interviews can be conducted over the phone so I think I'll be ok...But we'll see.

Saturday, January 19, 2008 8:30 am

Weekend before my surgery
Well I am getting to that point again where I'm going under the knife...SIGH. This time around isn't so easy as the first time. The first time I had the ignorance of thinking that I was going to be awake for the procedure and then knocked out AS they were telling me obtw we're knocking out out...
I guess I'm not comfortable being knocked out against my will but Jan has told me to look at it another way...think of it as being willingly knocked out. Something that's good for me and not a negative thing...SO, I'm working on thinking this way. Not been easy...I've also been avoiding cutting my hair...I still have a two percent chance of not having to go to Chemo and by Tuesday afternoon I'll find out for sure...If I don't go into Chemo I won't cut my hair but if I do I won't have too much time to get used to short hair to know hair before I lose my hair...guess I'll get used to it because I have no choice...

January 26, 2008 4:00pm

Just got home Current mood: exhausted Well, I just got home from surgery; I had no time to blog before I left for surgery because of something my rotten soon to be ex husband of mine did. Apparently he contacted the hospital personally to request my medical records. THEN, when they refused, he contacted the health insurance folks a purposely changed my birthday so that when they tried to bill the insurance the day before surgery, they couldn't. So The day before surgery, I'm supposed to remain calm, deal with other things that I should be focusing on like my breathing exercises, meditating, etc instead I'm on the phone talking to the insurance, my attorney, trying to get a hold of my soon to be ex husband. The hospital called to let me know what was going on, and told me if I didn't get the insurance resolved by that day I'd have to be considered a cash patient...and that would mean I would have to come up with $126,000. I wasn't a happy camper. When I got that news I called a left a message to my Ex and told him look if you don't call me back today and tell me what you did with the insurance, BY LAW, because you are responsible for our insurance until we're divorced, you're going to be responsible for this $126,000...you know how fast he called his attorney and me back? within the hour. He wasn't calling his attorney or me back...he had admitted he changed the insurance info on the phone of course so it's one of those he said she said scenarios...RAT BASTARD!!
Anyway, I was only supposed to stay in the hospital for one night and then go home. It was only supposed to be a partial lumpectomy and it turned into something more. The cancer had spread. Dr. Ray ended up removing more tissue than he had anticipated and removed more lymph nodes than he had anticipated. my lumpectomy turned into a mastectomy so they removed half my breast. Being an awesome doctor that he is he did reconstructive surgery on the same surgery so I wouldn't have to go through another surgery on a later date. My surgery was only supposed to last 2 hours and it last 4 1/2 hours. I already knew the news when I woke up simply by looking down and seeing the drainage tube.
Dr. Ray told me long before the surgery that he would not know if he had to remove more nodes until after he got in there...and the way I would find out is when I woke up I would see a drainage tube. I was alone when I saw it...I gotta admit I was a little devasted. When I woke up I felt this enormous pain on my side I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't tell them I'm in PAIN. I lay there for what seemed an hour wreathing in pain and couldn't tell anyone. I heard Dr. Ray's voice and I heard him talking to someone about me, my procedure, and some other things I can't remember...I don't have a clue who he was talking to I was really hoping it wasn't my dad he was talking to that's what I was thinking at the time.
I was pretty out of it when I got out of surgery, Caryn was the first familiar face I saw when I first woke up. It was really comforting to have her there...I knew she wouldn't have left me but, it was nice to have her there and be reassured she was there. Even though they had a continuous morphine pump going into me the pain just wouldn't go away. They told me I can get extra relief by pressing an extra button. I shouldn't worry about OD'ing cause the release was only every 10mins. It was important that I press the button EVERY single time I was in pain just to let the staff know I was in pain and to increase the pain medication. I guess I kept pressing the button ALOT the first 4 hours. Cause they finally commented on it. Oh are you having that much pain? you should say something and we'll increase the pain medication. I opt'ed not to have an increase. But, they said the numbness and the lack of pain helps promote faster healing...I still didn't want more pain meds. Dr. Ray had also put a cathader in me...I didn't realize that until after I had gotten into my room and shifted...OH, what an interesting sensation... Caryn asked me to pee so she could see the liquid go into the back...I told her I was trying cause I really needed to go but for some reason I couldn't. I found out later that it just automatically takes my urine out so no effort for me to urinate.
Caryn left about 8 pm...I didn't want her to leave but, I didn't want her to stay either cause I didn't want her to be afraid driving home alone in the dark... So, she left. Before she left I confessed to her I was afraid for the first time since I found out about the cancer. NOT that I'm afraid of dying but, because I'm afraid of being a burden to everyone. She scolded me and said how could I ever think I was a burden to anyone? She told me it must be the drugs talking. She pointed out the HOT nurse that was taking care of me and said focus on him for a while...LOL - gotta say, it worked! She held my had a little longer after that and she went home.
I had the room to myself that night. Still rather hungry since I still hadn't eaten but I think it was out of habit rather than need to eat. The IV dripping and coursing through my veins. pain coming in and out. Drifting in and out of consciences. AND this incredible itch over the entire length of my body started happening. couldn't stop scratching but, mentally I thought OK, I gotta stop otherwise I'll break the skin and cause an infection. SO, in-between consciousness and being woken up every hour to get my vitals done, I picked up my camera and started taking pictures. Oddly enough it help me and comforted me. Jan called me that night to find out what happened and how I was doing. He was upset with the news but was happy to hear the plan.
After a night of slipping in and out of consciousness’ the next day came. the morning I was still slipping in and out of conscienceousness until about 10 am when I finally woke up. Caryn had brought Dennis and Clayton to visit me this morning. SO happy to see them all. at the same time they came to see me I got a new roommate...at the time I was thinking oh someone to talk to when they leave. I wish I was more awake when they came but, I kept drifting. I picked out a new wig while Caryn was there it's kinda fun. I had thought I would pick something shorter and in a purple BUT, a dark Red to Red with a medium length is something I picked out...Should have gone with something shorter. We'll see once I get my hair cut.
I’ve decided to so something fun with my current hair since I'm going to lose it all. I'm going to get a pixie cut and dye it red...I think I want to do this so that when I lose my hair it won't feel like I'm losing my own hair.
During their visit Clayton mentioned CTCA didn't seem like a hospital and he was happy I wasn't in a hospital environment. It's a beautiful facility and nice and friendly people around me. That was good and I thought the same. Dennis and Caryn both learnt how to care for me after I returned home from the hospital. They left me for a little bit so I could sleep some and then came back for a short visit where I got tired again quickly. They asked if I was coming home that day and Nurse Tammy said probably not, she's got a long way to go before that happens...OK, getting tired so I'll be going to sleep again...write more soon...

Friday, January 25, 2008 2:34pm

Continue of my surgery Current mood: cold

I had pressed everyone what happened, I generally knew but, I wanted to know what Dr. Ray told everyone. Apparently he said basically what he told everyone else cancer spread to half my boob and through my lymph nodes...He'll know the extent of the cancer on Monday when he gets the pathology report. Someone told me that I he got all of it out and then my dad told me Dr. Ray tried to get all of it out so who really knows. I'm probably going to go with tried to get all of it out...no one is perfect so I can't expect him to be.
For the most part everyone in the hospital was super nice and professional about my stay and I had a FINE experience of stay. with the exception of one nurse...She wasn't pleasant at all...She's the one who starved me blaming me for not letting her know that I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything for 36 hours I'm doped up on morphine I had asked one of the PCT (patient Care Technicians) when I could eat and some how I'm supposed to know serendipitously to ask THIS particular nurse to feed me...Shrug...My sister couldn't watch me suffer anymore so she went down and got me some JELLO, the best JELLO I have EVER tasted in my life...She also got me some sugar free ice cream OH MY it was delicious.
My diner finally arrived and I had some mash potatoes and green beans...they were good but not as good as the JELLO or ice cream...I got myself sick cause I was so hungry I ate too fast. Nurse Tammy asked me how my first meal went and I said good but I struggled to keep it down...I giggled and said WELL, I was so hungry I got myself sick by eating too fast. She had a sigh of relief on her face and giggled with me.
Anyway everyone was so nice and they made sure I understood HOW to care for myself before I left the hospital. They first made me stand, then go pee, then walk. That was the first day. I'm thinking this was Wednesday morning...amongst the confusion of trying to focus during my morphine high, I had gotten a new room mate. When things settled down and we were alone I made the first move to say hello to her,
"HELLLO" with my friendliest voice, with NO response..."Hello there new neighbor"
"Hmmm? what? OH hello", her response
"isn't it funny we both are in the same room and both our names are Barbara?" I commented...
"YEAH, you think they would be smart enough NOT to put two people in the same room with the same name..." she remarked.
SILENCE
"SO, what are you in here for?" I asked
"I am here for reconstructive surgery, I'm just finished up with breast cancer" she answered"Oh, well I have Breast cancer too..."
"Humph, well good luck with that..." she responded snily...
Ok, not going to be talking to her anymore...the next 24 hours all I heard was her complaining to the staff, they didn't get my order right, can't they be more competent, on and on on how she didn't want to be there with the acceptation of when her husband called...OH MY GOD she was SOOO ridiculously sweet on the phone...Oh hello huny, everything is wonderful sweetheart, I love you too...Blah blah blah blah blah. It was so sicking how she was talking to him I wanted to throw up. and then miss Bitch showed up as soon as one of the staff members arrived.
I commented her attitude to the staff member and they sort of rolled their eyes up and said well, some people handle their cancers differently...and that's the standard answer I got from everyone. Must be something their told to say when referring to an especially difficult case.
So at night I had time to walk with my favorite eye candy, Chris where we got to know one another with our chatting, he seemed pleasant to talk to and seemed to enjoy my company. Wednesday night I sat in bed drifting in and out of sleep waking when I heard my roommate get a phone call, I think the staff was generally avoiding our room, when dinner arrived, I'd get a phone call or something happened to wake me. When I was lucid I read my books. I did my homework and I took some photos. It was my last night at the hospital and so it was the last time I was going to talk to Chris in this environment...don't get my wrong my stay was really really nice BUT, I hope I NEVER have to stay there again, I mean of course if I had to go through surgery again, I wouldn't mind but generally I hope I never have to do this again.
So I talked Chris into partake in my project and got him to take some pictures with me...he graciously accepted and so we sat and some fun joking around and took some pictures...he sadly turned and said good night to me cause his shift had ended. I would have liked him to sit and visit longer but he had other obligations to attend to...after he had left they took my saline out. Only thing I was hooked up to was the drainage tube to the suction.
The Next morning I woke up to that lady bitch about something and 3 or 4 staff members were trying to calm her down...and I noticed my breakfast was there so I sat up and ignored the commotion and had my breakfast. I remembered Tammy telling me I could have a shower this morning...I WAS SOOO EXCITED!!...OH MY GOODNESS. It was so nice. I stood up on my own met my second Favorite PCT, her name was Jessica...NOT so much the eye candy as Chris but an attractive person none the less. Where she helped me get undressed and to the shower...that's when I first saw the area...Not really a pretty sight...the first thing I thought when I saw it was raggedy Anne. It was blue and green and purple with red all over with stitching that held me together. The second thing I thought was man I look like I was becoming a borg...with that tube hanging out. I took some pictures of the area, jumped into the shower and had a GOOD wash. trying to avoid my owie at this point. Caryn called me to see how I was doing and I was ok, I told her I might spend another night here. She said well find out and I'll come and get you if you're discharged. I fulfilled all the requirements for discharged by practicing EVERYTHING I needed to do to care for myself enough times so they were sure I can do it alone. Took a shower, able to walk on my own 4 times around the nurse's stations, get in and out of bed on my own. so they discharged me but I didn't get to leave until 8 pm. Caryn got out of work at 6 and it took her 2 hours to get to Zion. The journey home was terrible though. I didn't think to get a booster of pain medication before I left and the last time I took anything was 2-3 hours earlier. The trip was really bumpy and we didn't have the prescription filled. It took us an hour to get home so by the time I got home I was in sooo much pain. Any movement I had I screamed. Caryn ran out of the house to get some pain killers and the pharmacist wasn't going to give it to her...Caryn begged...Look, I have a very sick person at home with ALOT of pain PLEASE fill this prescription tonight, right now. So the pharmacist filled the prescription. When Caryn got home she had to change my bandage and that's when we noticed the bleeding.
It was 11pm when we called Dr. Ray to whom we were surprised that he answered the call himself. he asked Caryn a series of questions as she's trying to look at what she's seeing he's hearing me yelp in pain. He told her to keep me perfectly still that night and try not to move me at all. Caryn gave me an extra dose of pain killers that knocked me out. The next morning I woke up with very little pain. I took a shower and it bled but not too much. So I wasn't up to taking a drive up to Zion again with all the bumps and pain associated with it all.
Caryn called Dr. Ray's office to tell them I wasn't coming because I was feeling sick. They turned around and said I NEEDED to come in because Dr. Ray was worried about the bleeding. Asked if I had eaten anything or drank anything because they thought perhaps I need to go into surgery again to correct something...OH GOD, I really didn't want to be cut open again. So we rushed out the door and we got to the hospital. His entire staff was in the examining room looking at my wound. Dr. Ray looked and poked and said lets get the ultrasound here and have a look.
They looked and he said well good news is it all looks great and we didn't need that surgery. Bad news is that you're still going to hurt for a bit. BUT it'll get better in time. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. He asked if I had anymore questions and I said I can't think of one...but NOW I have a hundred questions like why is my pee green? Like what about that rash I have on my chest? When can I see my lymph nodes?! Being drugged up sucks!

January 26, 2008 9:45 pm

Allergic reaction Current mood: sleepy
So, I've been getting this rash all over my chest and arms for the past 2 days. Since I left the hospital. It looks like an allergic reaction to something and at first I thought it was something I ate that got me all itchy until I took my last pain meds...I suddenly realized I was allergic to one of my pain meds and I should probably call them straight away. SO, I called and they confirmed it was probably one of the pain meds that was causing my discomfort.
SO they gave me a new drug...Unfortunately this drug is supposed to make me even more drowsy than the last one...the last one at lease if I was drowsy I can tapper back a little and function...this one if I'm drowsy, I'm drowsy and that's it. Kinda sucks but, its something I have to deal with now until I either heal or they can find something else...I am guessing I'm going to need to find something else so when I get on Chemo I'll have something for those days I'm in extreme pain.

Saturday, January 26, 2008 9:53pm

People Current mood: betrayed
My sister, Anne, came to visit me today...it was nice except when she yelled at me for being outside for an hour today. I told her if she didn't stop yelling and bitching at me she'd have to leave with her gifts...I can't handle the stress of her nagging. When she calmed down, which it's not my job to calm her,the visit was quiet pleasant. I showed her my wound, which she thought it was going to be worse than it was. She gave me some things to cheer me up and to brighten my long days in bed. (which by the way, is one of the reasons why I went out today cause I felt up to it) This isn't the reason why I'm writting...
So, I had this incredible experience in Belize where it either makes or breaks friendships. I made alot of good friends there...unfortunatly most of those people are in other states...Saddness. The friends that went with me and other school chums have pretty much abandoned me, which makes me really sad. I think due to two people. Call me paranoid. I can sense these things sometimes but, I have validation on both now. Dr. H is one and I'll say Ms. K for the other. Ms K I have had on my other myspace account for over a year...though we don't speak to one another anymore if she had come down with a horrible diease and found out about it I would have atlease made an effort to contact her to see what I could do to ease her pain. Instead she took me off the second announcement I made about my cancer and after she had taken the pictures I posted of her on myspace. I really dont care if she had taken it, that's why I put it up there so she could take them without the burden of having to ask me.
This is what bothers me, I have recently heard from others, more like confronted by others, she had told people I said things about them behind thier backs. Yes, I have said things about her to other people but these are things I have said to her face too, I've confronted her about the the issues I had with her however, she refuses to take responsiblity for her actions. Now she spreads rumours about me to others so that people are distancing themselves from me. I first heard about the rumours in the last 3 weeks...well about when school started is when I heard these rumours. I've asked these people does she know I'm sick? They have told me yes.I'm sorry but, for the demise of our friendship however, I will not maintain a friendship that is one sided and now malignant to me. Her issue with me was she thought I was lying about something that in which in the grand skeem of things doesn't really matter for one and for two what proof does she have that gave her the right to acuse me of lying?...when I asked her she couldn't answer but, walked away, ruining my last day in Belize. Now she's spreading rumours about me...why now?! Why when I'm sick?
Why would anyone be so cruel to someone when they are already down and possibly dying? It's really hurtful bordering cruel? Maybe bad things always come to those who are nice...Maybe I really need to start kicking Kittens. Why do people believe such non sense? Because she's younger? She's more fun?
I just needed to vent...

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Grammer is horrible Current mood: embarrassed Category: Blogging I just read my blogs, and I realize I made no sense in some of what I wrote...Completely uncohearent in parts of what I wrote...it's funny but makes sense that the closer I was to surgery the less coherent I was. I've fixed some of it but, I still think it needs alot of work...
Good news is that I understand and remember what I was saying, well, at lease what I was trying to say. Sorry about that folks!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hair Cut Current mood: amused
I actually got more than a few cut today...I like it but I really wanted to go shorter. everyone talked me out of it...I've got a month to cut my hair shorter if I want to but leave it alone for now...ok it's short but doable I guess. I like it and it was the sylist who decided for me...I hate figuring things out for myself when it comes to fashion...All I know is I needed to have this done or I'll freak out and be truamatized when my hair does come out.I'm going to have it dyed as well...it's to trick my into realizing it's NOT MY hair that I'm losing....SO SHHHH don't tell me...SMILES.
I've been really grumpy lately, I'm not 100% sure why...yesterday I just wanted people to leave me alone my dad talked to me for a little bit, which is fine and my brother talked to me...I was controling my anger and the face of distain when they talked to me because it's not thier fault as to why I was grumpy. My step mother wouldn't leave me alone asking every 5 minutes if there was anything she could do...I'm not a invulid. She tried to help me with the smallest things like zip up my jacket or walk down the stairs...I can do alot of things just not everything.
I'm going to switch over to another forum...one were people can access my bloggs and my photos better...I like Myspace but not everyone does...So I'm most likly going to change...perhaps journal in both places...But we'll see.
I'm having such a hard time keeping track of things like when I took my meds, how many I took...I've even added a day...all this time I thought today was the 29th...not sure what's wrong with my memory...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Passing out
It's interesting how often I just pass out.I had just woken up and taken a show feeling great. I asked Caryn to help me with my bandages half wy through I felt like passing out, I started sweating, BUT I was cold. I had to sit down. Next thing I know I'm out. for no appearent reason, I guess I should stay home...SADNESS

january 29, 3008

last couple of days Current mood: adored
I've been working on my pictures, editing and writing a description of my new photos. Not the type of editing like altering the physical appearance but grimacing of riding the ones I like and just posting the best ones on my flicker account. I needd to cut down more so I can fit previous months but this has proven to be difficult for me.
Which shows my pain, explains my hospital visit, my emotions. KLEO, has given me some pointers on how to eliminate some but has warned me it's painsteakingly difficult to make the decisions.
Those of you who have myspace account and is added to my friends have an opportunity to see all my pictures un edited. KLEO's Pics are up as well and let me tell you they are fabulous! He did a wonderful job!! I'm so proud of him.
Have a gander of my pictures, have a gander of his. If you are interested in purchasing any of KLEO's pictures please contact him directly. His profile is on myspace page.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Drainage tube out Current mood: enlightened
I went to see Dr. Ray today. and he took out my drainage tube...I was really scared at first because he gave me the discission to take it out now or wait a few days. I was getting an infection But he's still worried about the drainage problem. I only have a 10% chance of it being a problem...SO, I opted to take it out. The nurse who was to remove the drainage tube said, I'm so glad you decided to remove it...it's going to feel so much better once it's out. THEN she told me to do some breathing excersizes...OH MAN, that's never a good sign.
I asked, "so UM, is this going to hurt?"
She smiled and said, "well, (another bad sign) it might (oh this this going to be really painful) be just a little (YEAH RIGHT LITTLE!!) sting. Just practice the deep breaths with me now..." she motioned Caryn to hold my hand. (damn it it's going to frickin hurt) "one, two, Breath out now, THREE!"
OH MY GOD, the tears weld up in my eyes...
"how much of a liar was I?" with a sorry look on her face.
As she was talking to me I felt the searing pain still building up on my side...when is it going to feel better? I thought to myself...well, it's not her fault so I put on a smile and said, "you're not a liar." Caryn and the nurse chuckled as they both knew I was lying. the pain finally subsided, THANK GOD! and Now my pain level went from a constant 4 with pain medication to 2 without...makes sense? He still wants me to take the pain meds for a bit longer but over all I should be fine without it...Like to get back to class. So the tube was the root of my pain...I have to get antibiotics for the next two weeks and take probolic (yogart bacteria good stuff) for 3 weeks apparently the antibiotic is potant that it'll kill all bacteria good or bad...so I have to constantly relpace it.I got to see my lymph nodes today...it was way cool. I saw the difference between healthy cells and bad cells. after the staining good cells are dense with fatty tissue which look basically like nothing just in pockets with dense purple color nucleuses (purple dots) and breast fibroses inbetween...Cancer cells look like a bundle of fibroses with no to little nucleuses. and sparatic mitosising cells. She showed me that you can tell the difference between a person who has had surgery and one who has never had surgery. How the body tries to repair itself after surgery or trauma on the molecular level...Body is a miraculous thing.
It was funny how all you can hear from Caryn and I were ohhhs and ahhhs. OH what's that? what does that mean? Caryn was far more into it than I was which was interesting cause I'm supposed to be the science person in the family.
Not 100% yet but I'm getting there. Still alot sore...

Morphine Current mood: blah

I've been hyper sensitive about narcotics...I'm well aware of thier need but, I generally don't like taking them. I'm super afraid of getting addicted, Not because of personal fear but I've seen what it has done to other people. How it changed good, honest, law abidding, productive memeber's of society lives to hypes. ALL due to an illiness or a broken whatever. I pray by the end of this I will not be one of these people. So my doctors are being caustious as well altering my pain medications from one to another so I won't stay on one medication long enough to get hooked. SO, I had been given Morphine last night to test out...since my alergic reaction to Oxydone came about. IT KNOCKED ME OUT. I slept from the moment I took it until now straight through without waking once until my dad came knocking on my door. This in unusual since I normally can't sleep through the night even with pain medication. Dr. Ray told me it would be potent but I had NO idea how potent it could be. I did walk around a little after I took the pill...OMG I don't like this feeling at all...being in a fish bowl, not being able to walk a straight line, not feeling anything, not even emotions...I guess it's like being drunk without the slurred speach, stumbling, and bad smell. I won't be taking that one unless I really need to...but they really want me to alternate between the two drung every four hours...I guess I'll deal with the pain really and take the medications when I need to take them.
It's odd to have strangers be interested in being myspace friend. BUT, I should expect this since I've put myself and my illiness out into the world. Expose myself so, I am flattered. Just want to thank all who have been so supportive of me. SMILES

January 30, 2008

Well, I've been playing around in my brain of only taking one class this semester. After this stint of surgery and how horrible it ran me down I'm not sure if I can handled scheduled classes. This past surgery has KICKED my butt into reality. I missed two weeks of class so far I'm worried about the work load I have to accomplish ontop of finishing the other two classes of last semester. I hadn't factored in the pinfections and the recovery, figuring out my medications, what to take, when to take them...it's all very taxing. Money is starting to become an issue. I know my family says I shouldn't worry about it but I do...I can't help it...I know I'm a burden.
National health care was a big issue tonight. So my mind has been weighing heavily on this topic. I wonder if I wasn't married to my good fer one thing husband, were would I be right now? That one thing is my health care insurance. A man on the program had neck cancer. He had no health insurance and he kept getting the cancer back. It was so sad, he going to die at a very young age. All because he didn't have insurance. But I look at the other side where national health coverage in Canada...I realize if I was sick with national healtth care in effect like Canada or England I would be stuck waiting 8 or more months to be treated. I would not have the option to chose the doctors I have now. However, I have the choice because my soon to be exhusband has a good paying job with great benefits. National health care important? Yes but to the extent of socialization? I'm not too sure about.ain med effects that has knocked me down ontop of the

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Time Current mood: busy
I spend alot of time at home lately. Past four months to be exact. I'm not sure if people know this but, when you get cancer you literally have no time. At lease I don't. It seems like a contradition but it's true. It's so hard to explain why I have so little time now days. I also find it insensitive that people get offended with you when you don't answer thier emails or IM's fast enough...Like dude, I just got out of the hospital. I'm doped up and passed out with the computer on.
Or often I forget about things...I can't help it, I'm old and I have cancer I forget things I normally would never forget. Such as I often forget leaving the computer on when I'm leaving the house...or I'll get distracted and forget my phone and to turn off the computer. That's something no one ever tells you about cancer...is that you forget things easily. My memory is bad but not nearly as bad as this. That's why when you see a cancer patient with a vacant stare in thier eye...it's them trying to remember stuff...stupid basic stuff. I think it has to do with all the meds and the various times you have to take certian meds, some with food, some without, some every two hours, where others every 4 to 5, I have more pill bottles right now than I have pens...and I'm a pen whore! everything has to be taken diferently...it's kinda driving me nuts. I think the surgery also caused some of my memory loss.
Anyway, my time loss is somewhat of a mystery to me as well. I get up at 6 in the morning pretty much every day since my cancer and don't stop until 9 or 10 at night. Before mostly trying to prepare for my next operation and my treatments. I knew I wouldn't have the energy or strenth to get things in order before I really started treatment.Now I struggle trying to keep up with thingsI had no idea how much this surgery was going to knock me down. thus the reason why I'm struggling with the notion of staying in school or not. My sisters think I shouldn't stay...I need to focus on healing my dad on the other hand thinks I should stay...I think I'll get to the first test of the year and see how it goes from there

Blog February 22, 2008 11:12 am

Life doesn’t really give you a break…One thing after another, one disaster after another. First the plumbing goes out, then the cold weather goes out, now the sewers are backing up…Doesn’t seem right. Guess there isn’t much you can really do about it but just sit and try to make the best out of it.

Well since I last blogged, I had my 35th birthday, had two exams, and started my new website, starting to map out my treatment plans for my cancer. My Website needs a lot of work and I’ll be honest I really don’t like dealing with it. It’s a royal pain in the ass. But, this is important and I need to get it done so I’m going to try and work on it every day. So, I’ve been extremely busy.

I found out a good friend of the family’s wife was diagnosed with breast cancer on my birthday. So, on my birthday I gave her a call to see how she was doing. She had her surgery about the same time I did…she was only at stage 1 while I was stage 2…strange thing is she had both her breast removed. True to his nature my dad sat and monitored the conversation interjecting his thoughts and ideals whenever he felt it was necessary…I finally gave up and just handed the phone to him. I find it a bit nerve wrecking to have someone hovering. As much as I LOVE my hospital and the people who are there, I can’t say I am leary of advertising for them. I know what they are capable, I know how they treat me, and I know all the good things they do…my issue is that it’s hard for me to talk about this place without sounding like a commercial, their commercial. BUT, what they say is the truth. I feel like people aren’t going to trust me when I talk about this hospital because it sounds too good to be true.

I find it interesting that people who have not participated in my treatments, talk to me, or came with me to the facilities feel they know more about what’s going on than I do. Seem to have this need to tell me they know more about my condition when I don’t even know what’s really going on. Telling me what I can or can not do. Are they me? Do they know what I’m capable? Stupid me, deep down, listen to them. So I didn’t go to California. I really should have…I think my brain fabricated a illness so that when EVERYONE else who actually knew my condition, knew what I’m going through, and knows my medical chart first hand asks me why I didn’t go, I would have an excuse. I’m such a coward and so gullible. This was the last opportunity to go somewhere and take a break from my everyday miserable life and see some people I’ve missed so dearly. I feel like a prisoner in this house. I can’t work, I can’t get on disability. I feel like I’m living on a string of pure luck and conjecture.

Dad told me for the past 4 years to move back with him…I’ve been fighting the idea because I knew that EVERYTHING he promised would be a lie. He told me I wouldn’t have to worry about my car, money, or my stalkers…he would take care of everything. One of my major complaints about living at home was the constant aggravation, arguing, and negativity and one of the agreements of me coming home was that would stop and it did not stop. A year ago I moved back home…for other unrelated issues. It was supposed to be only temporary, I had an apartment all lined up with my former roommate. It was an awesome deal. Stupid me decided school was something that was important and Dad offered to pay for field school…SO, I turned down the apartment. I have another opportunity to move in with my roommate again in May, but, it’s really not a good idea. I’ll just be starting my 3rd cycle of Chemo and I would need home care that I won’t be able to get from roommates. I’m on a short leash at home. I’m told on a regular basis that I’m going to die…I don’t really feel welcomed…and I get sporadic physical help from people at home. Everyone keeps asking me when I’m going to clean my room and how clutter my room is but honestly it’s not been easy since my room is EVERYONE’S dumping ground. I find the most random things in my room I didn’t buy from clothing that doesn’t fit or is broken to pieces of furniture. And the things I want, that I’ve purchased myself, the VERY few items I actually own disappear on a regular basis only to be found in a particular person’s room ruined so I can’t use it anymore…OR, it is returned to me ruined. I don’t own a lot and I don’t need a lot so I don’t understand why my personal belonging disappears ALL the time. I can’t go out to replace these items because I have NO money. I’m not sure but, living in poverty with roommates seems to have been a better environment for me. I don’t have a choice at this point. So, I’m hoping when I’m done with Chemo I’ll be able to move out shortly after that.