I've finished my Chemo and I'm shocked to the effect on how just one Chemo cause such a reaction out of me. Each one felt like a year was taken out of me. Though I pulled out fairly strong it was REALLY hard to deal with. Something I wish NO ONE to ever go through. I was fairly lucky that I didn't have to do more than one session once a month. I couldn't imagine having to go through multiple times. It literally feels like you're dying every time you have Chemo. That's basically how it feels. The after effects are horrific really. Each treatment has had it's different side effects and yet similar at the same time.
You have your staples like nausea, fatique, sores, memory loss, etc but each are in varying degrees. It's strange really. For instance the first Chemo I had Sever nausea, fatigue was minimal. The second Fatigue was sever, and nausea wasn't so bad. One thing that did happen that I was shocked was my grumpiness. I really didn't want to hang out or talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I think it was because I was so weak and I didn't want anyone to really know how weak I really was. I suppose it's an animal instinct to do is to hide when you're sick. I forced myself to socialize really. I knew it wasn't good for me to hide so often. So each time I went to Chemo I REALLY didn't want to go back and seriously considering NEVER going back again. All except for the last one. The last one I knew it was the last one so I was JUST so happy I didn't have to do this EVER again. The nurses all tried to make my stay comfortable and enjoyable but even the cheeriness of the staff didn't make it stay any better really. If you remember of my eariler Bloggs I had problems with the extreme happiness of people...WELL with Chemo there is certainly a better idea WHY these people are so happy. They have to be.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Spring
Only so many pictures you can take of yourself...so, in the spring with the blosoms came about I saw all these beautiful flowers that brought me joy during my chemo.
Word Association
I had this wonderful idea with word associations however, the idea fizzled out since it's hard for me to talk, meet, and socialize with people while being sick. I might pick it up again for after I am better to see what people's reactions are...
Third Photo Shoot
SMILES
Pick a Fight
Bashful
PONDERING
PUTT EM UP
These are images that were done before my Chemo.
Second Modeling session
These were taken shortly after my surgery...I was in a noticable large amount of pain where I KLEO took it upon himself to come to my house for our second shoot. We didn't take too many photos because I was exhausted and in pain...
First Modeling session
When documenting a project it's hard to take pictures of yourself all the time in a unbias way. So, sometimes it takes another artist to capture the moment. I chose KLEO to help my with my project because for some reason he's able, in my opinion, to capture the moment in all of his models. If you would like to view is other works or to purchase a print please contact him directly at www.mirthandbeauty.com
two days after
I got out of the hospital two days after surgery...the time I spent there felt like an eternity. I spent time sleeping, being drugged up and taking photos. The woman that was my roomate...GOOD GREIF, she was horrible. Complained about everything that happened...She was recovering from Breast cancer and was at the end of her journey. Meanest person I have ever met. SO, I tried to ignore her as I was recovering. She might have thought I was nuts since I was taking alot of pictures.
Post OP
you would never know how much pain I was in in looking at these photos. I was on an incredible amount of painkillers at the time and I still felt the pain. WOW, it was rather incredible. During this time I realized how much pain I was in and for the first time I realized I wasn't going to go to school the next day...YEAH for real that's what I thought. So I called my friend Jen and asked her to talk to my professor to let him know I wasn't going to go to school...AN HOUR after I woke up from surgery!! She thought I was nuts and to this day we laugh about it.
Waiting
I'm just waiting for surgery...Although I was an hour late for my appointment they weren't ready for me anyway. My wait time was an hour an half after I arrived at the hospital. SO, I took pictures...Starving and taking pictures...
NO IDEA
These photos are of me Right Before Surgery. Although I was frighten I really wasn't all that scared to be honest. No idea what I was headed for...NO IDEA the pain and the suffering I was headed for...
Inspiration
Final part of our trip was Death Valley. Beautful scene where I had no worries about being sick. I had all but forgotten about what lied ahead of me...
Continuation of Vacation
Nature seems to be a great thing that brings me joy so while in Vegus we took the opportunity to Look at the vast natioal parks around Vegus. It's strange how wilderness is only 20 minutes away from a metropolitan city.
Vacation Before the pain
I went on vacation with my family to Vegas NV before I started my real journey. Back then I had no idea what kind of pain I was headed. I was still in a cloud of "Well, I don't think I'm going to be in that much pain mentality..." I had no idea. In the mean time I had decided to take photos of things that I thought might lighten my days in bed while I recovered from whatever I was recovering from. Things that inspired me, brought me joy...
It all Started with this long beautiful hair
This photos are of me before and soon after my diagnosis with Breast Cancer.
Baldness
In shaving my head and yes I actually shaved my head instead of waiting for the hair to fall out. I realized the relief of not having to deal with it the clean up, trauma of hair loss, and the agony of forever itchiness. Of course the hair loss is a double edge sword. As I am happy that I didn't have to go through the slow hair loss I find myself suprizingly shy about it. I'm very self conscience about it. I see little kids staring when the occassion I do go without my wig or scarves. I know people can't help it but, it still bothers me a great deal. I often go swimming now at a public pool and am finding it embarrasing to not have my scarf on at all times. Odd...
Next Stages of Hair
as I got closer to chemo, I started to shorten my hair...I think to have a less freak out factor. What suprised me was how think my hair really was. The shorter I got the more hair I felt on my hair. With more hair more work. Not really sure what to make of it.
Various stages of hair
It's so strange how much my look has changed over the past 9 months. Long beautiful hair to no hair. It seems so difficult to remember that I had hair but the proof that I had hair once is in these pictures. VERY Odd to me right now that I had hair...
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