KLEO pics

Wonderful pictures done by Kleo. I gotta say that I'm not 100% sure how I feel about these photos. I think their beautiful but at the same time I don't know what to make of them.


Another wonderful session with KLEO


Suprised?


Innocent


Do I look like a boy?


Budhist monk? or a boy?

RADIATION SUCKS!!

So, I realize something today, actually the last few days...I really don't like radiation. It's almost worse than Chemotherapy...REALLY. I'm freakin tired all the freakin time!! I can sleep for 12 hours without batting an eye which doesn't help me with my studies...thus far it hasn't really hurt me all that much other than the fact that I was forced to go home early Monday night.

I can't even tell you how fustrating that is having to leave when you don't really want to. I just knew if I stayed I would hve be in trouble in getting home. I didn't want to get stuck on the highway or fall asleep behind the wheel. I might have been ok to stay if my friend who my house would be on her way home had been at school but, she wasn't there and so, I thought I really better just go home. I cryed home. I hate going home early because I felt sick or tired. before I got sick I just pushed through and now...WELL, I battle with myself to be good and just go home and pushing myself to go further. I know I need to take care of myself and not push so hard..but I gotta say it sucks being sick.

Randy Pausch - last lecture: achieving your childhood dreams

Earlier I showcased another person with terminal cancer. It's interesting how different people handle thier cancers ingeneral. How one is willing so desparately to fight cancer and another is so resolved to give up. I'm not sure if one is a better choice than the other it's just a choice an individual person has to make when faced with a dire situation.

I draw inspiration from both videos. Both people are very beautiful and wonderful both made thier decision and both had a very positive outlook in general on thier lives I found very interesting. What would you do? How would you handle the knowledge?

Another Shoot with KLEO

Lookin normal...or so you think

School

Well, I might have bitten off more than I can chew...taking way too many classes and have to read a whole bunch more why? cause I want to graduate sooner than later. I'm trying to make up for lost time from the spring semester. I think I'm managing it ok. The other night I woke up with the sensation of falling...I haven't felt that in a since I was in High School.

I wonder what that means when you're feeling like your falling while your sleeping. I guess I should start meditating again.

Shocked and amazed

I find it interesting to see people staring at me and my bald head...Now that my head is starting to grow back some hair I decided to not wear my bandana anymore...it's a little cold but I just don't feel like having something on my head right now. It absolutely shocks me that when I wore my bandana all the time people would come up to me and ask me if I had cancer...what shocks me even more now is that when I don't wear my bandana is people are either a) shocked that I had/have cancer b) I get more stares. There is a monk who is a student in my school and I wonder if she gets as many stares as I do. Maybe if I wear a garb I won't get as many stares.

I'm not sure why I feel weird about people staring. I was telling Caryn about it the other day and she told me that I should stare back. I can't do it...simply because everytime I turn around thier staring at me again. What about me do people have to stare at me? I've hidden all my scars...I'm not exactly a thin person so other than my bald head I look fairly normal...

I suppose I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. Maybe it's because I don't feel attractive anymore. Feeling bloated, my skin has changed (however, people say my skin looks the same), I feel my eyes have changed, I have more freckles now than from before my treatments. I still get compliments but, its more of you're a strong person...my talents rather than my physical beauty. That's so vain of me I know but, I can't seem to help but notice that.

I suppose it's good for my own humility. On one respect I can't wait for my hair to grow back just so I can have it cut...I know that sounds so bizzar but I have to say I wish I could have more style other than just putting on a new scarf, hat, or other. On the flip side I'm not exactly anxious to have my hair to grow back either simply because it's so much easier to get ready. Showers take a split second from start to finish. It's really cool.

Creative exploration

It's interresting how each individual handle thier own treatments.

Dealing with people with Cancer

Understanding Cancer

Effects of Cancer

Crazy Sexy Cancer

I ran across this video as I did my morning YouTube ritual of waking up. This is horrible to say but, I'm glad I'm not her. I've met a woman who had a similar diease while I was in the hospital and her hope was just a grim. I think this video is extrememly empowering and very hopeful.

Beautiful Garden just before fall

Oh Yeah that was me

Yeah that smug look on his face...OH YEA THAT was me...

After radiation one fine day

I come home and pull up into the drive way to hear pop pop pop, tunk tunk, ping ping. I'm thinking to myself "WHAT IN GOD's NAME is that noise?!" I look up and there is my brother and his friend Dave throwing crab apples at my car while thier harvesting them...NICE, great to be loved...

Radiation

Sitting in the waiting room for my turn to volunteerially expose myself to radiation...

Summer time

New photos coming up and this is where I spent some of my summer at a local pubic pool. It was nice to get some excersize during my time after Chemo. It's a nice place to hang out.

Struggles

It's difficult for me to talk about my struggles and perhaps that's why I haven't really been saying much. It's easy to complain and because of that I don't really want to say too write too much. I really want to remain happy and not have to think about things that are negative.

One of the things that I struggle with currently is my memory. I would have thought by now I would have an easier time I mean, some normality but, seriously I have no idea where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to at times. It's scary. Somehow I manage to figure things out but sometimes I can't. My sister Caryn lent me her GPS just incase I got lost which has proven to be very helpful. I can't begin to tell you how often I was only a block away from my destination and I couldn't figure out where I was, whipped out the GPS and boom I coulda walked to the destination. Chicago is my home, I know this area fairly well and I have never had this problem with direction before.

Getting ready to go has become a chore. I'm generally organized (though you could never tell by my room, it's a terrible mess) I may be messy but I know where everything is...well I used to. Living with people is difficult because you never know where your things are...is it gone because they took it or did I misplace it. Often when I'm ready to leave to go somewhere you'll find me going up and down the stairs about 20 times looking for stuff...only to get to where I'm trying to look for something to have forgotten what I was looking for in the first place. I think half the trips I make up and down the stairs is me forgetting why I came up the stairs the first place.

Fatigue...Yesterday I sat with a friend I hadnt seen since the spring which is normal but, she had breast cancer a few years back. She wanted to know the status of how I was doing. so we had alot to catch up with. The last thing we talked about however was radiation treatment. Honestly I'm not sure why doctors lie about this treatment...I was told that it was no big deal and I would just feel tired at the end of the day...no pain involved...nothing to worry about. Yeah that's not the case. I'm more tired now than when I was on Chemo. I have these strange bouts of extreme tiredness. And it hits suddenly. You don't realize it until it's too late. And suddenly you want to lay down but often I can't because I'm at school or I'm out and about. SO I muddle through and push forward. My friend told me that's normal. She felt extreme fatigue too and she was actually suprised that I returned to school. Then she stopped herself and said well, it's Barb fatigue...which means she felt that I have the determination to keep going. She was remembering last semester when I returned to school so soon after my second surgery. She recalled her surgery and it had taken her 6 weeks to recover. I was back at school two weeks after my surgery. So, everyone who helped me go through the past 9 months knows how determined I am to just keep going regardless of how I feel. SO, I often hear Barb you need to slow down, or you need to rest, or Barb take it easy.

I suppose had I not been stuck at home months at a time lying in bed only able to stare at the ceiling I might been able to take things more easy. I like running around and being busy with things simply because I feel alive. What I don't like is hearing injustices to people who went through cancer and they being discriminated against. People have no idea how horrific cancer is. The struggles you have to go through, the pain, the indignity, the fear...

Indignity...when you find out about cancer no matter how empathedic a hospital is to a patient's woes you feel violated on a regular basis. Why? Because you often have multiple people stare at you and the area of where the cancer is. I can't tell you how often I lay naked in a doctors office when 4 or 5 different people walk in. And there isn't anything you can really do about it but just lie there and try not to let it bother you. I could express the embarrassment but what good would it do? Each of those people for one reason or another needs to see you naked.

Then the treatments...how many needles have I been poked with? how many times I don't want to deal with going to treatment. You are willingly exposing yourself to death. Poisoning yourself. You feel the poison corsing through your body knowingly that this is a MAYBE fix. A whole year of your life putting yourself through pain and suffering all for what? A MAYBE fix. They can't guarentee I would be cancer free for the rest of my life. I've met three people so far who had thier cancer return within 3 years. I've hear many other stories of people who have been in remission for 10 + years. But it's those three people that stick out in my head. If I get cancer again do I really want to deal with this all over again?!

Hair growing back

Well, my hair is going back faster in places I don't want it to grow and slow in places that I want it to grow faster. Or perhaps, it's all growing at the same time at the same pace and I'm just being picky.

At any rate, Radiation sucks. I had no idea how tired I would be. I'm so ridiculously tired from the littlest things I can't even believe it. I went away this weekend with my family...nothing really special just somewhere local and it was nice to get out of the city. We went biking, canoeing, hiking, and had a nice picnic at a nice little river. At the end of each event I was exhausted thinking that I couldn't make it to the next event but somehow I mustard a little energy and kept on going.

I didn't have to have radiation this holiday weekend which was nice...so for three days I forgot all about radiation treatment just to find out that on Tuesday the agony of making the trip up there and having my hands fall asleep as I'm waiting for them to give me treatment.

I should say it's not normal for this to happen. It's normally a 10 to 15 min process. Nothing crazy. But for some reason I keep getting films taken over and over. Which isn't supposed to happen. I think she said that it's only supposed to happen once every two weeks which means it's supposed to happen 3 times total...I've had 6 in the past week and a half...Not 100% sure why.

Seems like since I started there has been problems with my radiation treatment...not reactionary, not so much but, equipment failure or having to retake films over and over again. As you might remember I have to have my arms up like in a sling above my arms and normally, because of how the machine is run my arm often gets caught in the machine and the arm cuff so, they have to adjust the cuff so the machine doesn't catch my arm. Well, unfortunately the position of the cuff cuts into my arm and makes it even more uncomfortable all this time you're supposed to lie perfectly still. Having to take films is an additional 20 min process so...it's a little painful and a little annoying. Especially when suddenly you get an itch on your nose... Really all I can think about is getting up and walking out of the room.

My breast is tender, red, and firm.the skin around my right breast is tight. Almost like it was soon after my surgery. I notice a change in my overall skin too. It's a little blotchy and I feel like it's getting older. I mean older faster...not sure if that makes any sense. It's alot drier than normal. I feel pain on the inside of my breast sort of like a throbbing sensation to a stabbing pain. But it's mostly the throb.

I'm concern about school. I'm worried I can't keep up. My memory I'm seriously struggling with currently. Although my reading comprehension seems to be ok. My memory doesn't seem to be improving. It's sad because realize it's not just the school thing I worry about...it's that I know I'm slowly beginning to lose memory of my mother who had died 15 years ago of cancer. Everyday I struggle to remember her, holding on to her laugh, holding on to her smile, her jovial ways, her tears, her happiness. I really miss my mom.