Cancer Free

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything and since then I've gone through alot of changes. I've gone to my last Chemotherapy with a surprise...My doctor told me I was CANCER FREE officially. I think I was more shocked with that than finding out that I had cancer. It's been a rough journey...one that I don't wish on my worse enemy and though I have learn alot, met a ton of people, and found who I was during this process I have to say I don't ever want to repeat this but, am oddly glad that I had this experience.

There are things about cancer that I haven't shared but, for the most part I've disclosed everything. and the reason why I haven't disclosed everything is because I literally forgot, too embarrassed (although I'm not sure after what I've written why), or I felt I've complained enough.

Over the past 4 months I've made some life altering decisions, I've decided to let go of my husband and we've decided together to move on and move away from one another. So, I am within days of a final divorce settlement. I think that out of everything has been the most difficult and the most relieving decisions I had to take. I've also moved out of my dad's house and began living my life again. I'm struggling alot but, I'm living and some how paying my bills (although not 100% on time). I've left my non for profit gig due to time constraints and lack of pay.

I've finished my book but am terrified to publish it. Why? Cause it's one of those projects that is a journal of a painful aspect of my life and well I suppose I'm afraid of failing for one and for two well I don't think there is a two.

I've also found out the effects of chemo after chemo...serious memory loss. I'm still having problems remembering things. perhaps it's school and the 4 businesses that are causing the memory loss but somehow I doubt it. I'm still very tired some days where all I can do is just sleep. I often feel sick, nauseated sick I try not to let anyone know but, my partner Robert sees me day in and day out so when I am ill it's hard for him not to notice.

Robert knows what I've gone through over the past year and half. He invited me to move in with him as a roommate and then we became business partners. He realized the conditions I was living in that caused me to be depressed and sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, my family was very supportive of me while I was at home and took care of me while I was sick but, as you all know they have a funny way of showing their love for me.

I had come home one day from Chemo and Robert came to visit me. I was long over due to our meeting and he asked me what happened. I told him Caryn abandoned me at Chemo. Shocked and appalled he looked at me and asked, what do you mean abandoned you?!

After Caryn's last explosive episode, I never really trusted her again. I had asked her to go to anger management and she agreed, needless to say she didn't go. since then I've seen her antics and seen that she has, unrightly, taken her anger out on people around her. So she had not been really allowed to come with me to the hospital for quite some time. My first Chemo in January was the first one in a while since I invited her to come with me (plus she sorta asked to come along). The drive up there was pleasant and we had a strained but, normal conversation. I wanted to ask her, had she gone and looked into anger management like she had promised me 9 months earlier? When I did a new explosion happened.

Luckily I we were close to the hospital and she dropped me off. It was more like kicking me out of the car, grabbing my wallet, and she knew my phone was dying and told me to find myself a way back home. As I was walking towards the hospital through the parking lot she tried to run me over. I had enough juice in my phone to make one phone call and that was my best friend mike where he, not having a car, took the train up all the way from Chicago to Zion to give me money to get home.

That night Robert came over, I had told him what had happened and he moved me into his home. We're helping each other survive right now but I think he's helping me more financially. But, I am much more happier now than I was when I was at my dad's house. Although I am struggling right now, it's a fairly stress free environment for me. I'm still struggling with my memory and it's really not your typical memory loss.

For instance, things that I've been spelling most of my life like resturant I can't understand why it's spelt restaurant. Or enviropment, environment. Thank GOD for spell check. I seriously don't know how I made it through this past semester. I seriously don't remember much of any of the classes or anything I read. So I'm going over some of the notes and re-reading some of the texts this summer just to remember and rebuild my brain. I feel like the past 3 years of my life has gone to waste. simple things that I LOVE like Australopithecus I'm having a hard time remembering what the hell that is and I've just spent the last 3 years of my life learning, living, breathing physical anthropology (ok a little extreme but you get the idea) and for the life of me I have no idea what how it relates to what I've learnt. I am thinking that I'm going to go back to school and audit some classes with my favorite teachers so I can rebuild my brain...

Now I'm happy, losing weight, rebuilding my finances, mind and body...My spirit is intact and healthy. I am starting a NEW journey through recovery. It's wonderful to be cancer free.