There are alot of things that I want to say but nothing I really want to express. This journey has taught me alot about life, love, friends, family, and loved ones. People can't handle certain things, like the news of cancer, so often they hide from talking to you until you're done with that portion of your life. Suddenly reappear with sweetness and happiness that you came through ok. I found that more out recently than not.
I have alot of friends who have reentered into my life that knew about my cancer that suddenly reappeared after I'm ok. I'm not angry with them, disappointed, or hurt by this phenomenon just making a note of it. I can understand their point of view and really how do you act around a person to whom you know and care about might die? Thing is most people don't know me...I am a strong person and refused to let this cancer get the better of me.
As I was going through this journey I noticed other people around me who got cancer...Not people I knew personally but celebrities. Beautiful people who seemed to be just as determined and as strong as I was, some made it, some didn't, while others are still fighting. I am surprised to see how much thier body's changed and not changed, how they are able to smile as I did. I wonder if they experienced the same battles I did while I was alone. I wonder.
Today I'm healthish. I am still licking my wounds from the torment Chemo bombarded me with, touching the tenderness and, oddly enough, numbness of the scars surgery left behind, and poking the scabs of the burns radiation caused on my wounds. I'm happy and content for all God has given me where I have found a new sense of renewal and spirituality that I had lost as a young adult. Rebuilding my life, my love, and my serenity is something that will take some time. Cancer is a horrible thing that no one should go through and very little people understand.
Through this journey I have lost a vast many things however, the hardest is a friendship that I never thought I would lose. This person is someone who stood by me through the hardest portions of my journey and because of a misunderstanding on my part she had decided to end our friendship. Why not talk to her about it? Well, if anyone knows her like I do, talking to her would inflame the situation more for she is a person who can not accept an apology. Taking an signs of weakness is a way in to hurt you further. Up until this insistence she would not do it to me, for reasons I'm uncertain but, perhaps she felt sorry for me however, I have seen her do it to other people she loved and it's sad. As often as I listened to her complain about those people, I tried telling her to forgive but, she would have nothing of it.
Really, it's not worth the effort for me to talk to her, I understand the outcome. When she is ready to talk to me I'll sincerely apologize again. I will miss her as I do everyday. I realize that she is spreading rumors about me as she did with the other loved ones she was angry with but, really at this point in my life I really just need to focus on rebuilding my life and being happy.
Life after treatment is a little daunting. For the past two years the focus has been fixing yourself, surviving, and try to maintain a stress free lifestyle. All the while inside my brain I have waves of confusion running about. Screams and loudness that was non nonsensical to which no one but me could ever hear. I knew it was all in my head, and it was terrifying really. The loneliness of going through this journey was mind boggling and at the same time I just wanted to be alone. I think what it was was that I didn't want to be alone without a partner. Someone that I can speak to on a regular basis and who wanted me to be better for their own selfish reasons. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Near the tail end of my illness I met a person, named Robert. He met me when I had no hair.
Shockingly enough our meeting was serendipitous. There was a series of bizarre events that brought us together that only a whimsical, highly imaginative, creative, romantic novelist could write. Any other time before or after our first meeting we would not be together today.
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