Long time no Blog

I've been living my life one day at a time with happiness and great joy. So, it's hard for me to spend the time to blog. SO, what has been happening in my life? There are so many things I'm not sure where to begin...

I'll start by saying, that I am cancer free. In May of 2009 I was told that I am officially in remission. I don't think people tell you when you go into remission that even though you're technically cancer free, you have alot of rebuilding to do, health wise. I found it amazing while you are in your most suffering stages of struggle alot of people come into your life. It's interesting and then when your cured suddenly they don't know who you are.

Maybe it's me, perhaps something or somewhere with Chemo brain caused me to forget something I said and thus cause people who once called me a friend hate me. Who knows, they are missed, not forgotten, and am appreciative of their support during my difficult time.

Over the past few years my life has done a 180, and am a happier person as a result. I found love in a place I thought I would never find love, he's my exact opposite yet, somehow we find ways not only to tolerate each other but spend 100's of hours together without killing each other. He makes me happy and is very supportive of me. I love the fact that I have him in my life taking care of me.

After remission news: This is the difficult part of my life. When I went into remission, I thought I would bounce right back into life. I was sorely wrong. Apparently Chemo takes 2 or more years to flush out of your body, so when people say CHEMO is so horrible for your body, this is what they meant. Though I don't have the same horrific immediate side effects of chemo I do have the underlinings of it. What do I mean...well, Chemo brain for instance...I have a very difficult time remembering things and sometimes get lost. It's really kinda frightening. Being weak, tired, and sick all the time. My brain is definitely alot slower than pre cancer times.

I sometimes think it's worse to be in remission and have the symptoms of Chemo. People don't realize your sick. Everyone in my life (aside from my family) are post cancer treatments and know nothing about who I was before I was sick. Being sick all the time is very difficult for them to understand what's going on with me, why I behave the way I behave, and why I get so cranky sometimes. I realize that it's me more often than anyone else and I try to curb my crankiness but there is only so much one can do to stop it before it comes out.

So, I''m taking my time learning how to deal with my weaknesses, trying to rebuild me both physically, mentally, and cognitively. I find myself not interested in being social or rebuilding my social capabilities...I don't really understand why nor do I understand why it doesn't bother me. Perhaps I've been hurt too many times.