My Journey through Breast Cancer

Being pro-active

2011-10-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

after going through hundreds of agents and either being forced to pay a high premium or not getting insured, I've decided to go to a conference in Michigan and learn what I can about living after cancer.

http://www.mibcc.org/events/current/cancer-rights-conference

I believe my hospital is the absolute best hospital in the world in saving people with cancer. It's absolutely one of the best and worse experiences of my life going through this illness. Cancer Treatments of America gave me tremendous opportunities to survive.

The major pitfalls of my hospital is the after care. I realize there isn't alot of money left over after being treated from cancer and what is left over doesn't pay for much. SO there isn't alot of development for after care.

What do you do after cancer? Most people would say "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, you should be grateful that you survived!" Well, I am grateful but, I am still human and I have alot of issues from recovering from cancer.

My major issue is insurance. I am very grateful that I currently have one of the best insurances out there and have a husband who can afford the insurance as every year the premiums raises. It sucks that there is no alternative and that I am forced to use this particular insurance. It makes me wonder, what if I wasn't so fortunate?

What about those who are less fortunate about maintaining or having insurance beyond their treatment. There is no legislative protection to those who have cancer, there are no health insurance companies who are willing to insure a post cancer victim and those who are willing to gouge people who are just trying to manage their lives and somehow piece it back together.

Somehow there has to be another way...

Insurance after cancer?

2011-10-12T17:51:00.001-07:00

So, now that I am in my fourth year of the life altering even of cancer, I am finding that I have to search for new health insurance. This has proven to be a miserable experience. Insurance agents lie about what they can do and what they can't do to get your information why? Because my husband, who is in wonderful health is more insurable than me. Everyone says Obamacare is supposed to help with this dilemma but, it's not. I've been promised time and time again that if I get this piece of information that they should approve me and then they don't but, suddenly Robert has insurance weather he wants it or not, usually not. We make it clear to the insurance folks we don't want the insurance if I'm not apart of it and somehow they force him to have insurance. So it becomes a long drawn out process to get our money back.

Long time no Blog

2011-10-11T18:16:00.000-07:00

I've been living my life one day at a time with happiness and great joy. So, it's hard for me to spend the time to blog. SO, what has been happening in my life? There are so many things I'm not sure where to begin...

I'll start by saying, that I am cancer free. In May of 2009 I was told that I am officially in remission. I don't think people tell you when you go into remission that even though you're technically cancer free, you have alot of rebuilding to do, health wise. I found it amazing while you are in your most suffering stages of struggle alot of people come into your life. It's interesting and then when your cured suddenly they don't know who you are.

Maybe it's me, perhaps something or somewhere with Chemo brain caused me to forget something I said and thus cause people who once called me a friend hate me. Who knows, they are missed, not forgotten, and am appreciative of their support during my difficult time.

Over the past few years my life has done a 180, and am a happier person as a result. I found love in a place I thought I would never find love, he's my exact opposite yet, somehow we find ways not only to tolerate each other but spend 100's of hours together without killing each other. He makes me happy and is very supportive of me. I love the fact that I have him in my life taking care of me.

After remission news: This is the difficult part of my life. When I went into remission, I thought I would bounce right back into life. I was sorely wrong. Apparently Chemo takes 2 or more years to flush out of your body, so when people say CHEMO is so horrible for your body, this is what they meant. Though I don't have the same horrific immediate side effects of chemo I do have the underlinings of it. What do I mean...well, Chemo brain for instance...I have a very difficult time remembering things and sometimes get lost. It's really kinda frightening. Being weak, tired, and sick all the time. My brain is definitely alot slower than pre cancer times.

I sometimes think it's worse to be in remission and have the symptoms of Chemo. People don't realize your sick. Everyone in my life (aside from my family) are post cancer treatments and know nothing about who I was before I was sick. Being sick all the time is very difficult for them to understand what's going on with me, why I behave the way I behave, and why I get so cranky sometimes. I realize that it's me more often than anyone else and I try to curb my crankiness but there is only so much one can do to stop it before it comes out.

So, I''m taking my time learning how to deal with my weaknesses, trying to rebuild me both physically, mentally, and cognitively. I find myself not interested in being social or rebuilding my social capabilities...I don't really understand why nor do I understand why it doesn't bother me. Perhaps I've been hurt too many times.

Depression

2009-11-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

For all accounts I should be happy and in good spirits but for some reason I can't seem to see things as happy. I'm desperately trying to find reasons to smile, to feel, to be happy...but I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I have love, family, purpose however, I feel really empty. I wonder if this has something to do with my medication or with the after effects of cancer recovery.

The anniversary of my mother's death is coming up, Robert, thinks that perhaps that's one of the reasons why I'm so sad. But for the last 17 years since my mother has past I have been able to reconcile with the thought of her death when it has been brought to my attention. Looking at the number 17 years...wow, I can't believe it's been that long since I last saw my mother alive...Although I miss her and am sad without her...I'm ok with her not being here. It's always difficult to not have her around however, I don't think it's the root.

I've let the hospital know about my depression along with a whole slue of issues I have and so I'll have an appointment with them and see what they have to say. In the mean time I'll continue living feeling empty.

Health issues after treatment

2009-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well after all the pain and suffering one goes through you would think that it's over...it's really not true. It has been about a year after my last chemo and almost a year after my last radiation treatment and I am shocked to see that I have alot of the same issues I had while on treatment. I'm no this new drug called Tamoxifin. Its supposed to prevent the hormone estrogen from reentering any remaining cancer cells in my body which is the vehicle that spreads my cancer.

What I'm finding out is that I'm feeling sicker that when i was on Chemo without the fatigue, the constant fear of dying, or the fear of my white blood count dropping. I suppose that's a good thing. I gotta say I don't like feeling sick all the time. I want to be strong and be able to move around without feeling sick. Without feeling tired moments after i wake up from a night's slumber. THe nausea sucks. Memory loss it heightened quite a bit and It freaks me out even more so than before which makes me sad cause i think it makes the situation worse since I'm trying to study for an exam and everything that i studied the night before has gone away making me have to re study everything as if i had never looked at this stuff before. Very frustrating.

AS my hair started growing back I am now noticing that I'm losing it all over again. this time I think it's worse. CLumps of hair is coming out and I don't know if i should shave it off to spare me from the pain of going through hair loss as i did when I first started loosing hair or if I should hold out and hope that the hairloss will end before i lose it all.

Life after Cancer

2009-10-06T09:33:00.000-07:00

There are alot of things that I want to say but nothing I really want to express. This journey has taught me alot about life, love, friends, family, and loved ones. People can't handle certain things, like the news of cancer, so often they hide from talking to you until you're done with that portion of your life. Suddenly reappear with sweetness and happiness that you came through ok. I found that more out recently than not.

I have alot of friends who have reentered into my life that knew about my cancer that suddenly reappeared after I'm ok. I'm not angry with them, disappointed, or hurt by this phenomenon just making a note of it. I can understand their point of view and really how do you act around a person to whom you know and care about might die? Thing is most people don't know me...I am a strong person and refused to let this cancer get the better of me.

As I was going through this journey I noticed other people around me who got cancer...Not people I knew personally but celebrities. Beautiful people who seemed to be just as determined and as strong as I was, some made it, some didn't, while others are still fighting. I am surprised to see how much thier body's changed and not changed, how they are able to smile as I did. I wonder if they experienced the same battles I did while I was alone. I wonder.

Today I'm healthish. I am still licking my wounds from the torment Chemo bombarded me with, touching the tenderness and, oddly enough, numbness of the scars surgery left behind, and poking the scabs of the burns radiation caused on my wounds. I'm happy and content for all God has given me where I have found a new sense of renewal and spirituality that I had lost as a young adult. Rebuilding my life, my love, and my serenity is something that will take some time. Cancer is a horrible thing that no one should go through and very little people understand.

Through this journey I have lost a vast many things however, the hardest is a friendship that I never thought I would lose. This person is someone who stood by me through the hardest portions of my journey and because of a misunderstanding on my part she had decided to end our friendship. Why not talk to her about it? Well, if anyone knows her like I do, talking to her would inflame the situation more for she is a person who can not accept an apology. Taking an signs of weakness is a way in to hurt you further. Up until this insistence she would not do it to me, for reasons I'm uncertain but, perhaps she felt sorry for me however, I have seen her do it to other people she loved and it's sad. As often as I listened to her complain about those people, I tried telling her to forgive but, she would have nothing of it.

Really, it's not worth the effort for me to talk to her, I understand the outcome. When she is ready to talk to me I'll sincerely apologize again. I will miss her as I do everyday. I realize that she is spreading rumors about me as she did with the other loved ones she was angry with but, really at this point in my life I really just need to focus on rebuilding my life and being happy.

Life after treatment is a little daunting. For the past two years the focus has been fixing yourself, surviving, and try to maintain a stress free lifestyle. All the while inside my brain I have waves of confusion running about. Screams and loudness that was non nonsensical to which no one but me could ever hear. I knew it was all in my head, and it was terrifying really. The loneliness of going through this journey was mind boggling and at the same time I just wanted to be alone. I think what it was was that I didn't want to be alone without a partner. Someone that I can speak to on a regular basis and who wanted me to be better for their own selfish reasons. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. Near the tail end of my illness I met a person, named Robert. He met me when I had no hair.

Shockingly enough our meeting was serendipitous. There was a series of bizarre events that brought us together that only a whimsical, highly imaginative, creative, romantic novelist could write. Any other time before or after our first meeting we would not be together today.

Cancer Free

2009-05-31T10:01:00.001-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted anything and since then I've gone through alot of changes. I've gone to my last Chemotherapy with a surprise...My doctor told me I was CANCER FREE officially. I think I was more shocked with that than finding out that I had cancer. It's been a rough journey...one that I don't wish on my worse enemy and though I have learn alot, met a ton of people, and found who I was during this process I have to say I don't ever want to repeat this but, am oddly glad that I had this experience.

There are things about cancer that I haven't shared but, for the most part I've disclosed everything. and the reason why I haven't disclosed everything is because I literally forgot, too embarrassed (although I'm not sure after what I've written why), or I felt I've complained enough.

Over the past 4 months I've made some life altering decisions, I've decided to let go of my husband and we've decided together to move on and move away from one another. So, I am within days of a final divorce settlement. I think that out of everything has been the most difficult and the most relieving decisions I had to take. I've also moved out of my dad's house and began living my life again. I'm struggling alot but, I'm living and some how paying my bills (although not 100% on time). I've left my non for profit gig due to time constraints and lack of pay.

I've finished my book but am terrified to publish it. Why? Cause it's one of those projects that is a journal of a painful aspect of my life and well I suppose I'm afraid of failing for one and for two well I don't think there is a two.

I've also found out the effects of chemo after chemo...serious memory loss. I'm still having problems remembering things. perhaps it's school and the 4 businesses that are causing the memory loss but somehow I doubt it. I'm still very tired some days where all I can do is just sleep. I often feel sick, nauseated sick I try not to let anyone know but, my partner Robert sees me day in and day out so when I am ill it's hard for him not to notice.

Robert knows what I've gone through over the past year and half. He invited me to move in with him as a roommate and then we became business partners. He realized the conditions I was living in that caused me to be depressed and sad all the time. Don't get me wrong, my family was very supportive of me while I was at home and took care of me while I was sick but, as you all know they have a funny way of showing their love for me.

I had come home one day from Chemo and Robert came to visit me. I was long over due to our meeting and he asked me what happened. I told him Caryn abandoned me at Chemo. Shocked and appalled he looked at me and asked, what do you mean abandoned you?!

After Caryn's last explosive episode, I never really trusted her again. I had asked her to go to anger management and she agreed, needless to say she didn't go. since then I've seen her antics and seen that she has, unrightly, taken her anger out on people around her. So she had not been really allowed to come with me to the hospital for quite some time. My first Chemo in January was the first one in a while since I invited her to come with me (plus she sorta asked to come along). The drive up there was pleasant and we had a strained but, normal conversation. I wanted to ask her, had she gone and looked into anger management like she had promised me 9 months earlier? When I did a new explosion happened.

Luckily I we were close to the hospital and she dropped me off. It was more like kicking me out of the car, grabbing my wallet, and she knew my phone was dying and told me to find myself a way back home. As I was walking towards the hospital through the parking lot she tried to run me over. I had enough juice in my phone to make one phone call and that was my best friend mike where he, not having a car, took the train up all the way from Chicago to Zion to give me money to get home.

That night Robert came over, I had told him what had happened and he moved me into his home. We're helping each other survive right now but I think he's helping me more financially. But, I am much more happier now than I was when I was at my dad's house. Although I am struggling right now, it's a fairly stress free environment for me. I'm still struggling with my memory and it's really not your typical memory loss.

For instance, things that I've been spelling most of my life like resturant I can't understand why it's spelt restaurant. Or enviropment, environment. Thank GOD for spell check. I seriously don't know how I made it through this past semester. I seriously don't remember much of any of the classes or anything I read. So I'm going over some of the notes and re-reading some of the texts this summer just to remember and rebuild my brain. I feel like the past 3 years of my life has gone to waste. simple things that I LOVE like Australopithecus I'm having a hard time remembering what the hell that is and I've just spent the last 3 years of my life learning, living, breathing physical anthropology (ok a little extreme but you get the idea) and for the life of me I have no idea what how it relates to what I've learnt. I am thinking that I'm going to go back to school and audit some classes with my favorite teachers so I can rebuild my brain...

Now I'm happy, losing weight, rebuilding my finances, mind and body...My spirit is intact and healthy. I am starting a NEW journey through recovery. It's wonderful to be cancer free.

Getting a hair cut for the first time

2008-12-18T08:58:00.000-08:00

WELL, it's strange I know but I've decided to get my hair cut...I feel like such a hippi I swear! it's funny cause my hair is really not that long...less than half an inch long but, I feel like it's too messy...hair grows in different speeds it's kind of strange...

I can manage it if I have gel, hair spray, and other hair products in my head but seriously I don't like it at all. It's so anti beedo to have stuff in my hair. Feels so odd. I'm thinking of keeping my hair short for a while...kinda think it looks cute. so I'm going to maintain it for a little bit just as something that's not my norm.

I might dye it but I'm not sure about that either. I'm such a chicken when it comes to my hair. I can't really do anything crazy cause of my job. SO, I'm probably not going to do anything nuts. I am looking forward in feeling normal again though...whatever that means.

MOM

2008-11-21T16:23:00.000-08:00

This is her portrait...I wishi I could claim it was my piece BUT I can't.

So a few days ago my mom passed away 17 years ago and her birthday is a few days from now. I miss her daily and wish she were here today. She would have been 63...and like the Great Beauties that die at such a young age, my mom's memory will forever be of her when she was young. I miss her laugh, her smile, her sense of humour, and even her anger (maybe not as much).

She was the type of person whom ALWAYS lit up the room when she walked in. Everyone LOVED my mom. Her laugh resignated and was infectious. When she laugh you couldn't help but to laugh.

I MISS YOU MOM.

A year ago

2008-11-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

Well it's been a little over a year that I found out difiniatively tha I have cancer. Goodness there has been so much that has happened to me that I'm not sure where to begin with my thoughts. I'll start by staying that sorry I've been crazy busy with school so I haven't been able to write too much over the past month. As you all know I've been taking a full load of school to get myself graduated by next spring. GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! I can't believe that I'm almost done with school. Anyway, I've also been sick. I had a bad reaction to the radiation where...WELL, I'll spare your the gruesome details but needless to say I had open sores that got infected and the infection spread down my back up my arm. I had a horrble fever of 102 for about 2 days.

Why might you have asked did I wait to go see a doctor? Well, Mid terms. I wanted to get through my midterms as quickly as I could...and I thought I could just push through without any provocation. Well, I was wrong...SO, I had a fever, and I failed an Exam, did poorly on others and I didn't get a paper done ontime... SO, I went to the doctor and was put on antibiotics for 2 weeks which made me miss my chemo appointment. Three wees after my infection ended I went and found out my heart was damaged as a result of my neglegence. it's not so bad as it sounds. Basically my heart pushes through x amount of volume of blood per beat. WELL, my heart was tracking at 65 points, which is about the volume of a athlete and when they checked it this last time is was down to 56 points which is about average person's volume...SO, could I have continued ... the answer is yes I could have but dropping 9 points is HUGE!! so they decided it wasn't worth the risk.

I can certainly feel the difference really. I am exhausted and need to rest more which is sad for me. I can't fathom why I need to sleep so much. It's all very fustrating for me. I want to get up and work like I used to. go to school, run around and do things. Spend time with my friends. I suppose it was better when I couldn't do anything for all those months.

All this happened around halloween...which is when I began to suspect I had cancer. I had my first doctor's appointment on October 30th where the doctor told me she was concerned and told me to get a ultra sound which lead to the mamorgram...and then the rest is history...

SO much thoughts and I havent written a single one down...it's a shame cause I had some seriously impactual ideas and thoughts about my past year...I'll write more soon, for now I gotta rest. And then I need to study some more.

AFTER EFFECTS OF RADIATION

2008-10-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I got these horrible blisters that pussed up and popped. I'm not really happy with my radiation doctor simply because he didn't tell me how to care of these. He simply told me to leave it alone just keep it clean; DON'T put anything on the blisters except what he told/gave me to put on them. WELL, the area got infected. Last week Monday the skin had turned black around the pussing area. I had been keeping it clean and only using the ointment they had provided. My right arm swelled and it looked like I had a burn on my shoulder and arm.

The Stubborn Mule that I am I decided not to go to the doctors when the fever started two days after radiation was completed. I felt so horribly sick and yet I persevered. WHY? You ask well I was in the middle of Mid terms and I though well I'm a tough girl I can handle anything right? WRONG...

I had a fever of 102 for two days...I remember one of my professors asking me if I was OK. I said yes. For some reason I should have followed that thought and said I should go home and see a doctor...and yet I didn't. He asked if I thought I should go home...my reply was NO, I need to paint...YEAH...NOT a good idea. I was supposed to meet some friends after class for our weekly gathering, something I really look forward to but suddenly I nearly fell over and I started sweating but I was freezing. I thought Uh OH, I need to go home...SO, Somehow I managed to make it home and I collapsed on the couch and couldn't move. Even when my family came home I couldn't move. I had a friend come over for dinner and yet I still couldn't move. Looking back I wonder what the hell is wrong with my family for not taking me to the hospital.

Anyway, my friend said, UM, maybe we should take you to the hospital now...I'm thinking NAH, I'll be fine. Sweat is POURING down my face and body and I'm covered in a sweatshirt, sweat pants, thick socks, have my HUGE comforter on put my hat on...OK fever is making me delusional. REALLY, My friend asks me one more time and I refuse so we just continue talking as I sweat it out whatever is wrong with me...and seriously I still am not thinking it's an infection brought on by the radiation. He makes me promise that I'll go see a doctor in the morning and leaves for the night.

Next morning I make an appointment with my local doctor, just a GP not an oncologist. and she looks at what I thought was a rash and was about to let me go with a steroid cream to put on my "rash". Meanwhile I'm thinking I need to focus on what she's saying and sit up because I'm leaning over about to fall on the floor. Then it occurs to me to ask her "What about the open sore under my breast?" She looks at me and asks a little more alarmed..."WHAT open sore?!" So she makes me disrobe and I show her, she nearly fell over and said more like yelled, "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD THAT?!" She's like "I'll be right back...WHAT YOUR Doctor’s Name IS?"

Stupid me responds, "Um, you're my doctor..." She looks at me and says..."ok, Never mind, just sit here I'll be right back."

Apparently she was calling my doctor to see if they were going to admit me into the hospital but, they didn't. She comes back a 1/2 an hour later and says "WELL, you need to call your Oncologist when you get home I'm giving you two week supply of antibiotics. Come see me in two weeks."

So, I call my doctor and he scolds me telling me I HAVE to talk to my teachers and let them know about the situation. If I get that sick again I am NOT allowed to go to school and their to send me straight home...I didn't tell them the sending me home or not allowed to go to school bit...but then again who is counting?

As a result, which I'll NEVER do again, is my heart is damaged. NOT to worry, it's not as bad as you think. None of the valves are damaged, or the muscles...it the volume per beat that's not right. The volume per beat used to be 65 which from what I understand is Athletic status where NOW, it's 56...which is an average person in the US today. So I went from athletic to average...The reason why they stopped the Herceptin is because the Herceptin is KNOWN to damage the heart and dropping 9 points is too much so it's just precautionary.

I do feel the drop in energy, I do see myself struggling more physically and mentally but, I'm confident I'll be fine. OBTW the heart thing...I found out exactly ONE year ago I found out that I MIGHT have cancer. October 30, 2007 ... October 30, 2008 is when I found out about my heart problem...Weird Eh?

Bed Hair!! WAHOOO

2008-10-14T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I've tried to photgraph my exciting Bed hair but it's not comming out. BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BED HAIR!! Now I know alot of people would say that it's not that exciting or cause for celebration but when you haven't had hair in 6 months these little feats are wonderful. I'm rather excited about it all.

Fall Season

2008-10-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well the fall season is here and in a way I'm very sad. I dont feel like I have had a summer really. Being sick and wanting to spend more time outside in the warmth of the summer sun, gardening more, and enjoying the heat before the dreaded winter. For some reason my days seem to run incredibly fast. I can't believe it really. A week feels like just a day. I can't believe it's Saturday already. It's just so very strange to me. Maybe it's because I'm sleeping so much more.

I can't believe it's October already! It'll be ONE year October 31 when I found out about my cancer. A year ago...looking back I can't believe it's been a year already. So much has happened and it just seems like yesterday. I don't even know what happened to the year really. On one respect I know it's been a year and on the other hand REALLY? it's been a year?

It dawned on me just a few days ago that I'm rounding a year soon...Crazy

Near the end of Radiation

2008-10-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's interesting how much I dislike Radiation. It really sucks big time. It's te constant fatigue, the pain (yes there is pain involved with Radiation), and the back and forth to the hospital that is most annoying. Everyday, aside from the weekends, I go to radiation and for a total of 5 minutes but, those 5 mins take it out of me, about 3 mintues after I recieve radiation I'm exhausted. I struggle everyday to stay awake and seriously when I wake up every morning that is the time that I'm the most awake for my ENTIRE day. Which lately I've been waking up later and later everyday so really I am only awake for MAYBE 1/2 an hour to an hour everyday. The rest of the day I just want to sleep. When I get home from radiation I normally feel the most tired out of my day. SO, I try to sleep a little when I get home from Radiation which is tedious because I have so much to do right before school that I struggle keeping up with my homework right now.

So in a very strange an parcular way radiation is more taxing on my than Chemo. Even though Chemo was harder on my body atleast it was only once every three weeks and gave me time to recover where as Radiation I have to have everyday and only have the weekend to recover. Not sure if that makes sense.

With the radiation there are sores that are involved. These sores are in the most inconvient places imaginable. Under my breast and in the crease. So bras are incredibly uncomfortable no matter what I wear (sports, underwire, non underwire) anything that touches or straps down my breast hurts. the best way I can describe the pain is like having a bee sting that won't go away. It's constant. You can't put anything on it unless the doctor prescribes it or gives it to you otherwise it causes more problems or makes it worse. Can't bandage it cause it hurts even more or makes it itchy. So what do you do when this happens? Nothing really just deal with the pain, keep it clean, and that's about all you can do.

KLEO pics

2008-09-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

Wonderful pictures done by Kleo. I gotta say that I'm not 100% sure how I feel about these photos. I think their beautiful but at the same time I don't know what to make of them.

Another wonderful session with KLEO

Suprised?

Innocent

Do I look like a boy?

Budhist monk? or a boy?

RADIATION SUCKS!!

2008-09-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

So, I realize something today, actually the last few days...I really don't like radiation. It's almost worse than Chemotherapy...REALLY. I'm freakin tired all the freakin time!! I can sleep for 12 hours without batting an eye which doesn't help me with my studies...thus far it hasn't really hurt me all that much other than the fact that I was forced to go home early Monday night.

I can't even tell you how fustrating that is having to leave when you don't really want to. I just knew if I stayed I would hve be in trouble in getting home. I didn't want to get stuck on the highway or fall asleep behind the wheel. I might have been ok to stay if my friend who my house would be on her way home had been at school but, she wasn't there and so, I thought I really better just go home. I cryed home. I hate going home early because I felt sick or tired. before I got sick I just pushed through and now...WELL, I battle with myself to be good and just go home and pushing myself to go further. I know I need to take care of myself and not push so hard..but I gotta say it sucks being sick.

Randy Pausch - last lecture: achieving your childhood dreams

2008-09-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

Earlier I showcased another person with terminal cancer. It's interesting how different people handle thier cancers ingeneral. How one is willing so desparately to fight cancer and another is so resolved to give up. I'm not sure if one is a better choice than the other it's just a choice an individual person has to make when faced with a dire situation.

I draw inspiration from both videos. Both people are very beautiful and wonderful both made thier decision and both had a very positive outlook in general on thier lives I found very interesting. What would you do? How would you handle the knowledge?

Another Shoot with KLEO

2008-09-09T20:16:00.000-07:00

Lookin normal...or so you think

School

2008-09-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I might have bitten off more than I can chew...taking way too many classes and have to read a whole bunch more why? cause I want to graduate sooner than later. I'm trying to make up for lost time from the spring semester. I think I'm managing it ok. The other night I woke up with the sensation of falling...I haven't felt that in a since I was in High School.

I wonder what that means when you're feeling like your falling while your sleeping. I guess I should start meditating again.

Shocked and amazed

2008-09-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting to see people staring at me and my bald head...Now that my head is starting to grow back some hair I decided to not wear my bandana anymore...it's a little cold but I just don't feel like having something on my head right now. It absolutely shocks me that when I wore my bandana all the time people would come up to me and ask me if I had cancer...what shocks me even more now is that when I don't wear my bandana is people are either a) shocked that I had/have cancer b) I get more stares. There is a monk who is a student in my school and I wonder if she gets as many stares as I do. Maybe if I wear a garb I won't get as many stares.

I'm not sure why I feel weird about people staring. I was telling Caryn about it the other day and she told me that I should stare back. I can't do it...simply because everytime I turn around thier staring at me again. What about me do people have to stare at me? I've hidden all my scars...I'm not exactly a thin person so other than my bald head I look fairly normal...

I suppose I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. Maybe it's because I don't feel attractive anymore. Feeling bloated, my skin has changed (however, people say my skin looks the same), I feel my eyes have changed, I have more freckles now than from before my treatments. I still get compliments but, its more of you're a strong person...my talents rather than my physical beauty. That's so vain of me I know but, I can't seem to help but notice that.

I suppose it's good for my own humility. On one respect I can't wait for my hair to grow back just so I can have it cut...I know that sounds so bizzar but I have to say I wish I could have more style other than just putting on a new scarf, hat, or other. On the flip side I'm not exactly anxious to have my hair to grow back either simply because it's so much easier to get ready. Showers take a split second from start to finish. It's really cool.

Creative exploration

2008-09-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's interresting how each individual handle thier own treatments.

Dealing with people with Cancer

2008-09-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

Understanding Cancer

2008-09-05T07:46:00.001-07:00

Effects of Cancer

2008-09-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

Crazy Sexy Cancer

2008-09-05T07:36:00.000-07:00

I ran across this video as I did my morning YouTube ritual of waking up. This is horrible to say but, I'm glad I'm not her. I've met a woman who had a similar diease while I was in the hospital and her hope was just a grim. I think this video is extrememly empowering and very hopeful.

Beautiful Garden just before fall

2008-09-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

Oh Yeah that was me

2008-09-05T00:19:00.000-07:00

Yeah that smug look on his face...OH YEA THAT was me...

After radiation one fine day

2008-09-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

I come home and pull up into the drive way to hear pop pop pop, tunk tunk, ping ping. I'm thinking to myself "WHAT IN GOD's NAME is that noise?!" I look up and there is my brother and his friend Dave throwing crab apples at my car while thier harvesting them...NICE, great to be loved...

Radiation

2008-09-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the waiting room for my turn to volunteerially expose myself to radiation...

Summer time

2008-09-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

New photos coming up and this is where I spent some of my summer at a local pubic pool. It was nice to get some excersize during my time after Chemo. It's a nice place to hang out.

Struggles

2008-09-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

It's difficult for me to talk about my struggles and perhaps that's why I haven't really been saying much. It's easy to complain and because of that I don't really want to say too write too much. I really want to remain happy and not have to think about things that are negative.

One of the things that I struggle with currently is my memory. I would have thought by now I would have an easier time I mean, some normality but, seriously I have no idea where I am, what I'm doing, or who I'm talking to at times. It's scary. Somehow I manage to figure things out but sometimes I can't. My sister Caryn lent me her GPS just incase I got lost which has proven to be very helpful. I can't begin to tell you how often I was only a block away from my destination and I couldn't figure out where I was, whipped out the GPS and boom I coulda walked to the destination. Chicago is my home, I know this area fairly well and I have never had this problem with direction before.

Getting ready to go has become a chore. I'm generally organized (though you could never tell by my room, it's a terrible mess) I may be messy but I know where everything is...well I used to. Living with people is difficult because you never know where your things are...is it gone because they took it or did I misplace it. Often when I'm ready to leave to go somewhere you'll find me going up and down the stairs about 20 times looking for stuff...only to get to where I'm trying to look for something to have forgotten what I was looking for in the first place. I think half the trips I make up and down the stairs is me forgetting why I came up the stairs the first place.

Fatigue...Yesterday I sat with a friend I hadnt seen since the spring which is normal but, she had breast cancer a few years back. She wanted to know the status of how I was doing. so we had alot to catch up with. The last thing we talked about however was radiation treatment. Honestly I'm not sure why doctors lie about this treatment...I was told that it was no big deal and I would just feel tired at the end of the day...no pain involved...nothing to worry about. Yeah that's not the case. I'm more tired now than when I was on Chemo. I have these strange bouts of extreme tiredness. And it hits suddenly. You don't realize it until it's too late. And suddenly you want to lay down but often I can't because I'm at school or I'm out and about. SO I muddle through and push forward. My friend told me that's normal. She felt extreme fatigue too and she was actually suprised that I returned to school. Then she stopped herself and said well, it's Barb fatigue...which means she felt that I have the determination to keep going. She was remembering last semester when I returned to school so soon after my second surgery. She recalled her surgery and it had taken her 6 weeks to recover. I was back at school two weeks after my surgery. So, everyone who helped me go through the past 9 months knows how determined I am to just keep going regardless of how I feel. SO, I often hear Barb you need to slow down, or you need to rest, or Barb take it easy.

I suppose had I not been stuck at home months at a time lying in bed only able to stare at the ceiling I might been able to take things more easy. I like running around and being busy with things simply because I feel alive. What I don't like is hearing injustices to people who went through cancer and they being discriminated against. People have no idea how horrific cancer is. The struggles you have to go through, the pain, the indignity, the fear...

Indignity...when you find out about cancer no matter how empathedic a hospital is to a patient's woes you feel violated on a regular basis. Why? Because you often have multiple people stare at you and the area of where the cancer is. I can't tell you how often I lay naked in a doctors office when 4 or 5 different people walk in. And there isn't anything you can really do about it but just lie there and try not to let it bother you. I could express the embarrassment but what good would it do? Each of those people for one reason or another needs to see you naked.

Then the treatments...how many needles have I been poked with? how many times I don't want to deal with going to treatment. You are willingly exposing yourself to death. Poisoning yourself. You feel the poison corsing through your body knowingly that this is a MAYBE fix. A whole year of your life putting yourself through pain and suffering all for what? A MAYBE fix. They can't guarentee I would be cancer free for the rest of my life. I've met three people so far who had thier cancer return within 3 years. I've hear many other stories of people who have been in remission for 10 + years. But it's those three people that stick out in my head. If I get cancer again do I really want to deal with this all over again?!

Hair growing back

2008-09-03T00:30:00.000-07:00

Well, my hair is going back faster in places I don't want it to grow and slow in places that I want it to grow faster. Or perhaps, it's all growing at the same time at the same pace and I'm just being picky.

At any rate, Radiation sucks. I had no idea how tired I would be. I'm so ridiculously tired from the littlest things I can't even believe it. I went away this weekend with my family...nothing really special just somewhere local and it was nice to get out of the city. We went biking, canoeing, hiking, and had a nice picnic at a nice little river. At the end of each event I was exhausted thinking that I couldn't make it to the next event but somehow I mustard a little energy and kept on going.

I didn't have to have radiation this holiday weekend which was nice...so for three days I forgot all about radiation treatment just to find out that on Tuesday the agony of making the trip up there and having my hands fall asleep as I'm waiting for them to give me treatment.

I should say it's not normal for this to happen. It's normally a 10 to 15 min process. Nothing crazy. But for some reason I keep getting films taken over and over. Which isn't supposed to happen. I think she said that it's only supposed to happen once every two weeks which means it's supposed to happen 3 times total...I've had 6 in the past week and a half...Not 100% sure why.

Seems like since I started there has been problems with my radiation treatment...not reactionary, not so much but, equipment failure or having to retake films over and over again. As you might remember I have to have my arms up like in a sling above my arms and normally, because of how the machine is run my arm often gets caught in the machine and the arm cuff so, they have to adjust the cuff so the machine doesn't catch my arm. Well, unfortunately the position of the cuff cuts into my arm and makes it even more uncomfortable all this time you're supposed to lie perfectly still. Having to take films is an additional 20 min process so...it's a little painful and a little annoying. Especially when suddenly you get an itch on your nose... Really all I can think about is getting up and walking out of the room.

My breast is tender, red, and firm.the skin around my right breast is tight. Almost like it was soon after my surgery. I notice a change in my overall skin too. It's a little blotchy and I feel like it's getting older. I mean older faster...not sure if that makes any sense. It's alot drier than normal. I feel pain on the inside of my breast sort of like a throbbing sensation to a stabbing pain. But it's mostly the throb.

I'm concern about school. I'm worried I can't keep up. My memory I'm seriously struggling with currently. Although my reading comprehension seems to be ok. My memory doesn't seem to be improving. It's sad because realize it's not just the school thing I worry about...it's that I know I'm slowly beginning to lose memory of my mother who had died 15 years ago of cancer. Everyday I struggle to remember her, holding on to her laugh, holding on to her smile, her jovial ways, her tears, her happiness. I really miss my mom.

Amazing new friends

2008-08-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

This photo is a good friend of mine who has helped me through the roughest periods of my cancer. He is one of the most loveliest people I am priviledged to have met. He'll never let you know it but he is a real sweetheart and one of the most intellectual persons I have ever met. Each of my friends hold a very special spot in my heart.

Through my time with cancer I've seen some friends come and I have seen friends go. People say that when times are difficult is the time you see who your real friends are and who aren't really your friends. I've have some amazing friends...I really have to say that. I've also have met some really amazing new friends which I hope to incorporate them into my new project.

It amazes me how many people come up to me asking me if I have cancer. I enjoy having a bald head and wearing a scarf on my head is what I want to say to them but in reality on one respect I don't mind but on the other it's odd. I really don't like all the attention that my scarf attracts to me but it's basically the only thing that's comfortable enough for me to maintain. I really hate wearing my wig.

Anyway, I was at the bookstore today to get some books for class and this lady comes up to me asking me about art supplies. Then she starts talking to me about her cancer. Turns out she's had brest cancer too. Out of nowhere she tells me her situation with school. Apparently school kicked her out of school because of her cancer. Shocked and amazed that there was more than one person with this problem with school I am severely disappointed in the lack of compassion my school has for thier students with cancer.

When a person gets cancer it's not an easy thing to deal with. The pain, suffering, and the constant thought of death surrounding you. Her story reminded me of my situation. Atlease I had it easier and school didn't forbid me to come back...but, seriously she had her childred to keep her going everyday as she recalls her disappointment from school I really had nothing to keep me going. I kept recalling ow depressed I was. You see, at the time of my diagnosis I had just started my divorce my whole life just seemed like it was falling apart. And then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It seemed as I was down I was kicked in the teeth again with the whole situation with school but at the time it was just one teacher.

I remember how suicidal I was...I basically felt I had nothing and the one thing that was keeping me going was finishing school. My whole life seemed like it was on a path of distruction. Had I not had some of the fabulous instructors in the spring of 2008 I really don't think I would have been alive.

Radiation started

2008-08-23T12:42:00.000-07:00

My first day meeting with the radiologist and preparing me for radiation treatment.

I've had three rounds of Radiation so far and I can say that it's kinda blah. Like Oh, That was it?!

I first started out by going through a simulator which is a two day process. I am first scanned and then marked up by tattooing my body. They do this so that I can shower and not have to repeat the hole process over and over again. The pin in inserted into my skin and then she poured ink on the areas leaving a tiny pin needle tattoo. I've seen the same tattoo larger and in a shape of a cross over the breast on the chest. I guess I'm lucky that I didn't have to deal with that. One of the nurses mentioned that they didn't tattoo like that cause I liked wearing lower shirts. I thought that was rather sweet of them.

The nurses are nice and sweet, they rack me up everytime I go, I suppose it's the Chicagoan banter that I enjoy the most. It's just nice to be able to joke around the way we do. the hardest part of Radiation is the EVERYDAY. the constant going to Radiation every day and it's only for 10 mins at most and it seems like it's a waste of time.

I do have some skin irriation right now and there is muscle pain but the radiation people are saying it's not because of the radiation however, the nurses from the hospital is telling me that it could be and I should talk to the radiologist. Well, I suppose I'll wait and see.

Thursday I had what everyone in calling Chemo...but found out it's called Biotherapy. Why is it called bio therapy instead of Chemo? Well Chemo is basically anything chemical being pumped into your body for medical reasons. So technically it is chemo however, it's a biological reasons is to alter my hormones and block it from my cells as opposed to killing my cells.

School saga continues

2008-08-08T00:38:00.000-07:00

I truely hate that people don't understand how difficult cancer can be for someone. My struggle with school continues to dumbfound me in new and incredible ways. I know I need to learn to deal with the burocracy of it all but COMMON, this is ridiculous.

I have taken my case to the BOE (Board of Education) and as much as I have faith in my countries justice system I am beginning to move towards the injust.

For the past month I've been fighting Financial Aid (and get this) soon after I filed my complaint to the BOE Financial Aid begins to lose my paperwork. Then I nearly lose my financial aid because of this ridiculous class. Apparently ALL "I" or incompletes turn into an F by the end on two semesters. I didn't know this but apparently it's standard procedure and yet NO ONE knows about this including the dean. No one except the financial aid department who promptly rejected my financial aid because of the loss files and this class. I had other incompletes and they tried to say it was because of the other incompletes however, I have turned in all other incompletes and explained why I haven't been able to complete Dr. H's class. I've turned in ALL other paperwork for financial aid that they requested and yet I still do not have my financial aid.

SO, the BOE calls me for the past 3 days. I've been busy jumping through hoops going to doctors appointments and trying to get Radiation treatments. So I return thier call and apologise to them with my late responses. The person who called me asked if I made a deal with school...basically if I would take the course again with Dr. Zanca. Which I told them yes I would however, this doesn't stop the fact that I was discriminated against and that I'm not really satified with the results. On top of which things have changed since the negociations had concluded...

1) the "I" turning into an "F" I was told the "I" would remain and "I" until I completed the requirements

2) It should not effect my financial aid...it explicitly told them I was concerned about it and they told me something completely different

3) I had NO IDEA how much brain damage I would have to suffer. I've have noticably difference in retaining information. I dont know if I can remember everything. I fear that my comprehension will no be up to par. I had a taste of what to expect this past summer when I took intro to Cultural Anthro...GOOD GRIEF I had such a hard time reading. I absolutely had no idea where that came from. And THEN when I had to regurgitate the information after reading the material the NIGHT before THAT was a nightmare. Exams and classroom work I am terrified right now. I've been trying really hard to rehab my brain but somehow I fear that it's not going to go back to normal.

- SO, this means if I had been given the exam BEFORE my second surgery and Chemo Dr. H and the school would not be having this problem...and it's not really the school's problem...it's mine and they could care less about what Dr. H did.

- BOE apparently is siding with Dr. H reading to me the handbook for absentses...I can't find the exact school policies but basically students have to attend all classes with the exception of excused absentese...How is surgery and recovery from surgery not excuseable?

This person from the BOE told me well you have to do the work...SO the three classes were more important than my health...I asked him. At this point Lets just call him Mr. O was rather upset and said nothing to me...I carried on and asked if he actually read my complaint? For some reason he got it in his head I didn't want to take the final. I had told him in the complaint I had requested Dr. H to allow me to take the exam on three separate occassion and Dr. H refused me. I further told Mr. O that I had ALL of the conversations documented Via Email.

Suddenly Mr. O, rather pissed off still but, started to change his tune about the rightousness of Dr. H then started insisting I change the topic back to what I wanted from the school. At this point I have no idea. I KNOW I can't simply take the exam at this point. I have to take the entire course again to be able to take the final. I'm reluctant because I don't know if I can handle it at this point. So what can I do to take this course so it would be easier on me given the brain damage I suffered?

I can not wait for another semester because GUESS WHO is teaching it, That's right Dr. H. I've already asked if I could take it in another school but NO OTHER SCHOOL has an equilivant course.

Anyway, I got in my head why does he think that cancer is NOT an excuseable absence? So I asked him...by the way I'm sobbing at this point...I HAVE NOT IDEA why, just suddenly I got really upset and started crying. I guess my fustration with finanical aid, cancer, and this WHOLE BS with Dr. H was driving me nuts. His response was he wasn't going to argue with me. Then he told me to get off the phone with him because it seemed like this was a bad time for us to have a conversation and to call him back next week to deal with this. BUT, I really wanted him to explain why he thought that cancer was not and excuseable absence...is that so much to ask?
"

Confusion fustration and oddities...

2008-08-03T08:15:00.000-07:00

I am having a hard time figuring things out lately. The most simplest things, tasks, and even movement confuses me. My first Chemo I didn't notice it as much but progressively after each chemo I started to notice it more and more. People who had Chemo tell me that's normal and though my memory and cognitiveness (is that a word) most probably will come back as for now it's very fustrating...

The odd pain that I get on a regular basis is also a fustrating thing. I notice that I ache for no particular reason and that it's somewhat random day by day. My feet are still swollen and I can't even beging to tell you my fustration with that. Swollen feet are not sexy. Not that I'm seeking sexiness but, I like to try to look attractive.

Another odd thing that I've been experiencing is the lack of desire. I'm rather passionate person in the things I'm really interested in and the last 4 months I've not really been too passionate about anything. This who thing with Dr. H and school currently, normally I would be knocking on doors and taking care of business but, I have no desires to do it. I'm taking care of business but, it's tedious and I'm forcing myself to do it.

Sexual desire is kinda out the window too. I really have no desire to have sex which is an oddity...and to be perfectly frank, this topic is very difficult for me to talk about. Being of asian decent Sex is a taboo topic to disscuss but, it's part of something I noticed and thought I should mention.

I have this thing where I have a tremendous amount of pain in the morning with my feet and legs. I don't notice it until I actually get up and walk on them. WOW, the searing pain to the point where I nearly fall down and a tear come out of my eye. In actual fact it's more of a Stabbing pain than a searing pain. The ironic thing is, like a charlie horse, you need to basically walk it off. The more I walk to better it feels to a certain point. Forcing myself to walk is a struggle. This is the catch though...the more I walk the less pain I get to a certain point HOWEVER, the more I walk the bigger swelling occurs. Caryn calls it elephant feet. It's Kinda crazy how big my feet get. SO, I am self conscience of this and it scares me but apparently my doctor says it's normal. Frankly it's normal that's fine in a medical stand point however, in a vain way it bothers me and freaks me out that it could be permanant.

Which is an odd thing for me. I've never been a vain person. I love knowing beautiful things like in art, music, nature, etc but, never one who cared too much about how I looked. I care now. Which is really odd. I notice my hands are looking older and older. It seems like an excelerated rate. Imperfections in my face and skin. I have no hair right now but, you know if I had it it would bother me too...I'd probably find something wrong with it. I find this peculuar and unnatural. I supose it's another annoyance and fustration that I'm dealing with.

Herceptin

2008-08-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

This photo is of me just out of my second surgery. My sister Caryn took the photo...

Well, I've am done with Chemo however, I have a year of a drug pumped into me that I have to have once ever 3 weeks for an entire year called herceptin. I just found out, after just having it once, what were the cause of my aches, pain, odd odor I am secreting (no one seems to smell it but, I can), and the unfortunate constipation. I'm not really enjoying it all that much but I guess it's better than the dosage of chemos I was getting. I'm supposed to start radiation this week but I really don't want to. It seems tedious and time consuming. SOmething I have to do every day for 6 weeks seem alot to do. Fall session comming up and the fatique that's involved quiet frankly scares me.

Yesterday, I went to school and took care of some office business I had to deal with and saw Mark, my instructor that is instructing me on my independant studies. We had an awesome conversation...a little awkward since I asked about his relative that just recently passed from cancer. But, we had a conversation that mad me realize people who don't have cancer or don't have a loved one who went through the treatments that I've gone through really don't understand the suffering cancer patients go through. Alot of the cure is hope and a positive attitude. It's hard to remain positive and have hope when things all around you is so negative. What do I mean by that.

1) You got cancer...not really something positive

2) I was fortunate enough to have a medical team that was very positive and help me maintain my positive and hopeful attitude. BUT in most cases and certainly at the beginning of my treatment my medical team was less than desired. Uninformed and pressuring me the tumor removed...people don't realize how doctors can intimidate a person into pressuring them into doing something they don't need to do in such a hurry. People really don't realize they need to get a second opinion and find a doctor team they are comfortable with when you have a life threatening diease.

3) Friends and family thier all upset some crying...not really positive. I understand thier upset because thier afraid of loosing you and all but really even if they are trying to be positive for you it's really hard for you not to see the concern, fear, and panic in thier eyes

4) Jackasses who really don't know anything about how horrific cancer is to a person and thier loved ones. They think you're faking it or doing this for some alterior motive (like Dr. H). Just the other day I realized that I need to get a handicap placcard. I really can't walk to far before I get reall fatigued or sick now. So I went to the DMV to get a form. The DMV has two lines for for Disable persons and one for normal people. I walked into the disabled line.
This man comes up to me and asks me "you know you're in the disabled line right?"

I looked at him with my head wrapped in a bandana, obviously with no hair and said yes.

As if he didn't believe me he then asked me what's my disablity?

I told him I have cancer...

THIS is what shocked me, he then commented sarcastically, "OH, is THAT a disablity?!"

I responded, like an idiot, "yes it is". What I should have said was... "you know you actually should stand infront of me because you're mentally handicapped" But I didn't instead I went and got my paper and walked out.

5) THE pain involved. The side effects. The nausea. memory loss. ETC. It makes you wonder why we go through this. Is it really worth it?

6) The Fatigue...Goodness the fatigue. Days of lying in bed unable to move because of the fatigue and the pain all you can do is stare up to the ceiling. So tired of TV (hate TV myself useless waste of my time) can't even sit up to play on the computer.

7) WEAKNESS...all the physical strength you have simply goes away. My muscles are jelly right now. Every movement I make now takes alot of effort. I feel like I have 20 lbs bricks strapped to my feet. I ride my bike with my family once a week (thinking of doing it more often) before just two and a half months ago when I was in Michigan 20 miles not a big deal, I really enjoyed it...NOW, 2 miles is extremely painful, I push myself to ride my bike because I need to build my stregnth again. As a result of my weakness and the acknowledgement of this weakness I REALLY hate to socialize. I fear my weakness shows. I turn around and think WELL, I got to do it. People want to see me.

8) Limited time...I'm more busy now than I have ever been. Why is that? I kept asking myself that...Isn't it obvious?! Because of the fatigue. I have so little time in the day where I'm conscious which is the reason why I have so little time to do things. Which goes back to the socializing thing. I realize now more than ever that I don't like someone or if it's a nonsence person I just don't have time to deal with them. I spend my time with people I enjoy spending time with. There are alot of people I like and in my past life I would have spent time with them because I didn't want to be rude and say no. NOW it's more like I really don't have the time to deal with just ANYONE so I limit my time with people I really like to spend time with. I know that sounds so cruel but it's true.

9) Memory loss...Everyone has memory loss right? This is different. Memory loss in cancer patients makes you feel like you're a nut job. Seriously. The airport incident. I drove my sister to the airport and went to McDonalds to feed them before thier flight...ordered food and paid and literally the food magically appeared. Atlease in my mind it magically appeared. Both Caryn and Clayton saw me take the food and hand it to Caryn. I don't remember any of it. Yesterday while I drove to the doctor's office, a trip I've driven a thousand times even before I got sick...I had NO idea where I was. I felt like I was driving somewhere else like some country rode in Indiana. I was actually on the interstate. My only thing that kept me calm was the signs. I was reading the signs and showed me I was headed the correct direction and on the correct interstate. Other than that I had absolutely NO idea where I was.

There are more things than this that I've written before so I think you get the idea. People ask me why I'm always smiling, and I'm so happy even when I'm going through what I'm going through and I simply tell them I have to. What choice do I have? Really the alternative is to die. I have a few more things I want to do before that happens so, I do what I have to do to keep me going. Is it difficult, YOU bet...is it worth it? Awaits to be seen.

No More Chemo

2008-07-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

I've finished my Chemo and I'm shocked to the effect on how just one Chemo cause such a reaction out of me. Each one felt like a year was taken out of me. Though I pulled out fairly strong it was REALLY hard to deal with. Something I wish NO ONE to ever go through. I was fairly lucky that I didn't have to do more than one session once a month. I couldn't imagine having to go through multiple times. It literally feels like you're dying every time you have Chemo. That's basically how it feels. The after effects are horrific really. Each treatment has had it's different side effects and yet similar at the same time.

You have your staples like nausea, fatique, sores, memory loss, etc but each are in varying degrees. It's strange really. For instance the first Chemo I had Sever nausea, fatigue was minimal. The second Fatigue was sever, and nausea wasn't so bad. One thing that did happen that I was shocked was my grumpiness. I really didn't want to hang out or talk to anyone. I just wanted to be left alone. I think it was because I was so weak and I didn't want anyone to really know how weak I really was. I suppose it's an animal instinct to do is to hide when you're sick. I forced myself to socialize really. I knew it wasn't good for me to hide so often. So each time I went to Chemo I REALLY didn't want to go back and seriously considering NEVER going back again. All except for the last one. The last one I knew it was the last one so I was JUST so happy I didn't have to do this EVER again. The nurses all tried to make my stay comfortable and enjoyable but even the cheeriness of the staff didn't make it stay any better really. If you remember of my eariler Bloggs I had problems with the extreme happiness of people...WELL with Chemo there is certainly a better idea WHY these people are so happy. They have to be.

Michigan

2008-07-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

could you believe shortly after my fourth Chemo I went to Michigan for a family trip?!

ME

2008-07-15T22:47:00.001-07:00

Shadow of me while going to my fourth Chemo.

Spring

2008-07-15T22:41:00.001-07:00

Only so many pictures you can take of yourself...so, in the spring with the blosoms came about I saw all these beautiful flowers that brought me joy during my chemo.

More word association

2008-07-15T18:59:00.000-07:00

Just more words :)

Word Association

2008-07-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

I had this wonderful idea with word associations however, the idea fizzled out since it's hard for me to talk, meet, and socialize with people while being sick. I might pick it up again for after I am better to see what people's reactions are...

Third Photo Shoot

2008-07-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

SMILES

Pick a Fight

Bashful

PONDERING

PUTT EM UP

These are images that were done before my Chemo.

Second Modeling session

2008-07-15T18:48:00.001-07:00

These were taken shortly after my surgery...I was in a noticable large amount of pain where I KLEO took it upon himself to come to my house for our second shoot. We didn't take too many photos because I was exhausted and in pain...

First Modeling session

2008-07-15T18:43:00.001-07:00

When documenting a project it's hard to take pictures of yourself all the time in a unbias way. So, sometimes it takes another artist to capture the moment. I chose KLEO to help my with my project because for some reason he's able, in my opinion, to capture the moment in all of his models. If you would like to view is other works or to purchase a print please contact him directly at www.mirthandbeauty.com

Follow up

2008-07-15T18:41:00.001-07:00

Not alot to do while you wait for your appointment...so you sit and wait...

two days after

2008-07-15T18:36:00.000-07:00

I got out of the hospital two days after surgery...the time I spent there felt like an eternity. I spent time sleeping, being drugged up and taking photos. The woman that was my roomate...GOOD GREIF, she was horrible. Complained about everything that happened...She was recovering from Breast cancer and was at the end of her journey. Meanest person I have ever met. SO, I tried to ignore her as I was recovering. She might have thought I was nuts since I was taking alot of pictures.

Post OP

2008-07-15T18:32:00.001-07:00

you would never know how much pain I was in in looking at these photos. I was on an incredible amount of painkillers at the time and I still felt the pain. WOW, it was rather incredible. During this time I realized how much pain I was in and for the first time I realized I wasn't going to go to school the next day...YEAH for real that's what I thought. So I called my friend Jen and asked her to talk to my professor to let him know I wasn't going to go to school...AN HOUR after I woke up from surgery!! She thought I was nuts and to this day we laugh about it.

Waiting

2008-07-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm just waiting for surgery...Although I was an hour late for my appointment they weren't ready for me anyway. My wait time was an hour an half after I arrived at the hospital. SO, I took pictures...Starving and taking pictures...

NO IDEA

2008-07-15T18:25:00.001-07:00

These photos are of me Right Before Surgery. Although I was frighten I really wasn't all that scared to be honest. No idea what I was headed for...NO IDEA the pain and the suffering I was headed for...

Inspiration

2008-07-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Final part of our trip was Death Valley. Beautful scene where I had no worries about being sick. I had all but forgotten about what lied ahead of me...

Continuation of Vacation

2008-07-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Nature seems to be a great thing that brings me joy so while in Vegus we took the opportunity to Look at the vast natioal parks around Vegus. It's strange how wilderness is only 20 minutes away from a metropolitan city.

Vacation Before the pain

2008-07-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

I went on vacation with my family to Vegas NV before I started my real journey. Back then I had no idea what kind of pain I was headed. I was still in a cloud of "Well, I don't think I'm going to be in that much pain mentality..." I had no idea. In the mean time I had decided to take photos of things that I thought might lighten my days in bed while I recovered from whatever I was recovering from. Things that inspired me, brought me joy...

It all Started with this long beautiful hair

2008-07-15T18:08:00.000-07:00

This photos are of me before and soon after my diagnosis with Breast Cancer.

Baldness

2008-07-15T18:02:00.000-07:00

In shaving my head and yes I actually shaved my head instead of waiting for the hair to fall out. I realized the relief of not having to deal with it the clean up, trauma of hair loss, and the agony of forever itchiness. Of course the hair loss is a double edge sword. As I am happy that I didn't have to go through the slow hair loss I find myself suprizingly shy about it. I'm very self conscience about it. I see little kids staring when the occassion I do go without my wig or scarves. I know people can't help it but, it still bothers me a great deal. I often go swimming now at a public pool and am finding it embarrasing to not have my scarf on at all times. Odd...

Next Stages of Hair

2008-07-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

as I got closer to chemo, I started to shorten my hair...I think to have a less freak out factor. What suprised me was how think my hair really was. The shorter I got the more hair I felt on my hair. With more hair more work. Not really sure what to make of it.

Various stages of hair

2008-07-15T17:27:00.000-07:00

It's so strange how much my look has changed over the past 9 months. Long beautiful hair to no hair. It seems so difficult to remember that I had hair but the proof that I had hair once is in these pictures. VERY Odd to me right now that I had hair...

Every single cycle

2008-06-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

With every single cycle of chemo it becomes harder and harder to go back. Every single cycle has a new crazy side effect that one does not anticipate. From rashes to blisters that burst into bloody messes from constipation to a diaretic mess I never know what the next one is going to be like.

There is the standard stuff like fatique, nausea, and pain. Each time it's a variant of one of these three issues. Sometimes ALL I do is sleep and have little of the nausea and pain...other times it's nausea and pain...the variants go one...I think you get the idea.

This time it's PAIN. I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm going through. It's like a charlie horse that is spread out throughout your body and in constant pain at that. I don't know if I should cry or laugh because the pain is so ridiculous. Walking is very difficult but I try to walk just to keep myself moving...PRAYING that it will take the pain away. But it doesn't. I normally NEVER take painkillers and I've broken down and taken some iburprophene. BUT it's not even really helping the situation...the pain just keeps riding up. Meditation, breathing, massages, hot baths...NOTHING seems to help. Sleep is near impossible with the pain.

My step mother, Irina, has helped me a great deal with sleep. Every night she scrubs my body with salt and puts me in a hot bath. Afterwards she massages bengay into my pained areas...seriously, it knocks me out for atlease a few hours. Then I wake up in pain or I get this uneasy feeling. I can't explain it other than being HOT and cold with feeling stuffy and in a coffin. Moving around is at a must at that point but with the pain how can one move or walk around so basically I'm trapped in my bed pondering what the hell is the point of all this?!

Loneliness sets in and you do what you can to stop feeling lonely but everyone in the house is asleep. Can't really get onto the computer without falling down. Thirst sets in from all the pills you have to take throughout the day and at the same time you have to go pee. Again with the walking...Risk fallind down and waking everyone or make a huge mess in your room?! Yeah taking the risk is more appealing. Last night I finally broke down and took some morphene, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore.

I have a Det friend, Bill who is normally up in the middle of the night and sometimes I've been known too cal him just to hear a human's voice during a desparate night. Bill is a strange character. Being a Chicago Detective he can be rather off standish. I'm not sure what to make of him but, in my time of need he is probably the most understanding person I have ever met. Many a night he's cheered me up unknowingly. I don't let on that I'm depressed to him. I think mainly cause I know he wouldn't give me sympathy for my sadness...NOT because he is a heartless individual or anything like that but because he's the type of person who is a no nonsense type person...more like deal with the situation and move on. In some ways I find it very comforting and in a strange way it helps me pull through my rough spots. Everysingle time I have a "moment" where I feel I can't go one any further I often hear Bill's voice or think what would Bill do? There are others that I fall on to keep me going but, Bill is one of those people who stick out in my head when I need a little push.

Yesterday was Father's Day. And for the most part I think my dad had a good time. I pretty much stayed out of everyone's way and walked as much as I could around the house and the yard. Feeling really nauseated and pain was rather overwhelming I just kept to myself. One of the things I do when I feel nauseated is try to eat. Sometimes it really helps when you have something in your stomach and you feel sick. I dunno why this is the case but, it usually helps me from throwing up...with the execption of this past Chemo. This past Chemo there is nothing I can do to stop the nausea from happening. I'd much a little here and there but over all I've been avoiding food.

So my family decided to have a BBQand they made all of this food...Like I said I had been munching here and there just to keep my stomach at rest when the food was ready. I came to sit down at the picnic table and my dad ordered me to sit next to Caryn. I said I didn't want to...He said "She's a good sister, sit down next to her".

At that point I said, "She's not a good sister, I don't have a sister and I don't feel good, I'm not hungry."

So, true to her nature Caryn Snapped back and said, "HER LOSS."

Ok, my feelings on this topic. Caryn has said some really harsh things to a person who is sick. Me saying something to the effect that she's not a good sister is stating a fact...albeit imatture and childish but you know what I'm really really sick. NO ONE should ever have to take themselves to Chemo and back by themselves. She's healthy, she hasn't felt sick for the past 7 months straight. She knows the pains I am going through. Why should I say sorry when I've DONE NOTHING? All I did was expect her to keep her word and follow through on our plans that WE made together 3 weeks in advance. Not tell me at the very, literally, the very last moment that she had forgotten she had made an appointment with her hairdresser and she wasn't going to make it. AND OH, even though you reminded me NOT to forget about Chemo, which I forgot that you reminded me, I'm going to drop you off and pick you up at 7pm because I have to work for ANNE.

Just because I dont look sick doesn't mean I'm not sick. I simply don't want people to worry all the time so often I pretend things are ok. Chemo is a really stressful time for me. I don't like to guess weather or not I have a ride there and back. This really wasn't the first time Caryn did this to me. I don't like being there longer than I have to and it's really uncomfortable to sit there longer than I do. YOU try sitting in one place for 5 hours at a time where people are making alot of noise and you're trying to sleep and they wake you up every 5 mins.So telling me that she'd be back at 7 pm when I'm supposed to be finished with Chemo at 3 pm really isn't acceptable. It really stresses me out. I hate depending on people and Caryn basically told me I should be asking for family help all the time.

WAY to make me have some dignity. Obviously I'm still very upset about this Caryn thing. I just feel so betrayed by her considering that she's been through this whole thing just to back stabb me for what? Her own pride? Because she doesn't feel like she's being thanked enough? I'm not sure how much I could have thanked her I purchased her plane ticket to Seattle, I bought her ferrets for her birthday, I've thanked her for all that she's done, I've bought her a brand new camera. Everytime I see something I think she would like I try to get it for her...HOW am I not being thankful? I'm so disappointed and hurt by this whole thing...AM I wrong to feel this way?

Silence

2008-06-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Well, lets see this is the third day since Caryn's blow up and the second since I last spoke to her. I don't feel that I need to say anything to her. Why should I. I didn't abandon her, I didn't say nasty things to her. I didn't blow up on her.

I think the worse thing I did was tell her I didn't want to live and Chemo and that nasty tea was for the family and not for me. OH, and to stop yelling at me. I didn't need the stress. I don't need people yelling at me. And I certainly don't need people talking about be behind my back...YES, I heard her talking about me to my step mom when she thought I wasn't there.

Honestly I have no idea what her problem is and she really needs to apologise. How am I not appreciative? I've said nothing but nice things about her here, aside from the last blog, and most people don't know how much I talk to her thanking her not to mention that I basically paid for her plane ticket to Seattle. Everytime we have a "gift giving" thing, like christmas or birthdays I always think of what I can give Caryn first, something she needs, something she wants.

This whole thing hurts me more than anything because she's seen the pain I went through, she's been with me every step of the way and for her to treat me like I have a choice in being sick. I hate being sick, I hate not being able to pass that damn police exam, I hate feeling like an envilid.

Fifth Cycle

2008-06-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my fifth cycle yesterday and I have side effect but thier not that bad this time around...Knock on wood...

I don't have a rash which is a relief but I am fatgued and nausiated all the time which isn't that much fun.

July 15, 2008

I realized looking back, the 5th cycle had had to been the worse cycle for me too date. It was painful, sickening, and exhausting. Not to mention the bloating, depression, and numbness. Glad it is over.

Unbelieveable

2008-06-12T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with Caryn to maintain my scheduled Chemo sessions. What do I mean by this...She has this tendency to schedule extremely important events for her on that particular day. Chemo is an ALL day event...when you're done with Chemo both the "care taker" and the patient are really exhausted. Not really much you can avoid. It's just something that happens.

Zion is about 1 hour away from my house and two hours from downtown and for some reason her events center around downtown where she's not really able to get downtown at a reasonable time frame.

Three weeks ago was my fourth cycle of chemo and this time, like all other times, I had Caryn with me to schedule my appointment, NOT because she's my lacky but, because it's her schedule too. She has to make the time to go up with me...THAT and she had ALWAYS flaked out on me at the last moment. Caryn's boyfriend was going to have his last concert around my last Chemo session. I said OK, I have to worry about school but we'll work on your schedule...she basically told me that the day was fine but we probably should take the earlier time slot so that she could make it downtown easier to make it to his concert. So we made plans to spend the night before at the hotel so we wouldn't rush to get to the hospital.

That weekend, the weekend of my 4th cycle, the most horrible cycle so far which just happened to fall on Memorial day, the family decided they NEEDED to go to Michigan for the weekend, they made the decision ONE day before my Chemo, which didn't give me enough time to decide how safe it was going to be... I didn't want to go because of the Chemo...but, opted to go at the last minute because I rathered be miserable than be alone that weekend.

The following weekend my family had a bbq and my older sister came to visit. We had an impromptu business meeting which, if you know the story, I basically didn't want to have much to do with it...THAT is another drama on it's own...SO I chose not to participate in the discussion except when

Anne said..."I NEED you (Caryn) to work on Thursdays from now on..."

Caryn said "yeah yeah yeah..."

I injected and said "don't forget my Chemo's are on Thursdays..."

Apparently that started an argument...

Anne asked, "well it's only once a month right?"

I said sure, "from previous experiences Caryn is notoriously bad at scheduling..."

Caryn snipped back and said "well, you can just drive yourself to Chemo then..."

Exit stage right. I didn't say anything...I don't want to argue. I sat quietly at the table a little longer then went upstairs to lay down.

During the next week, the week before my next Chemo, I had lunch with my good friend Kevin and I invited Caryn to meet him on Tuesday June 3, 2008. She wanted to have him do some really nice pictures of her...they got along really nicely and he agreed to do the photos...Kevin is working on my project with me and so we've been struggling to get another photo shoot up and going...We scheduled our next photo shoot for Wednesday June 11, 2008 the day before my Chemo. Caryn sat there and listen to the conversation and KNEW what I was scheduling the photo shoot the day before Chemo and knew the overnight stay because she was the one mentioning it.

On Wednesday June 4th, 2008 my friend Ceci asked me if she could go with me to my 5th round of Chemo...I said yes, but really I didn't think anything of it...pretty much knew she'd cancel out at the last moment and feel bad but, she asked and I said ok...I talked to Caryn and said I really want to spend time with you two and that would like to have the opportunity to relax and just hang out the night before Chemo so I'd like to spend time at the hotel early and take avantage of the amemities. Caryn agreed.

That's when I remembered Kevin's shoot..."OH, I have that photo shoot with Kevin, and how are we going to pick up Ceci?" Ceci doesn't drive. then I said, "well, not all is lost...I can move the schedule to Monday June 9, 2008 and we can leave early to the hotel...After my exam at school, I'll pick up Ceci and we'll meet at home at 3or 4."

Caryn had some project due at school but said she was confident that she was to be finished by 2 or 3 which would get her home about 3, 4 at the latest. These were the plans we made together.

The Next day Wednesday June 4, 2008 at like 11 pm she askes me if I can take her and Clayton to the airport Friday morning and pick her up Sunday at 11pm. WOW, ok...out of the blue NO PLANNING.

1) I had a guest coming in that day at the polar end of the city.
2) I was feeling sick I STILL had not recovered from being sick from the last Cycle.
3) This person was leaving hours before she was arriving.

I told her I didn't know...BUT, she's my sister and said ok I'd do it. Because she's my sister and no one is more important than family...BUT COMMON could you give me more notice?!

I didn't say anything. SO the morning OF the beginning of her 48hrs plan is when she tells me PART of what she wants "us" to do. She tells me, "We'll sleep over Anne's house"

I reply, "Ok, make sense...it's closer."

Then later that afternoon, at 5pm Caryn calls, "can you come down to Sheffield and whatever street and pick me up @ 7? OH, and if you come at 6pm you can have some buffalo wings with me and Claudia"

1) I was sick the entire day and didn't really want to go.
2) the time she called doesn't give me enough time to get there at 7 let alone get there at 6...OK, she doesn't really want me to go...
3) I thought ok, just a pick up...then we'll go to pick up her boyfriend and then we'll go to anne's house and I can sleep...

My reply, "OK." I did make a sny comment but it was really just a joke...I would have done it but I had those thoughts in my head...I REALLY didn't want to go but, I did it without any real incidence.

I get to the place she wanted me to pick her up...and she's tells me we're going to some resturant to meet up with Clayton and his frinds...

I looked at her, me sitting in my pajama pants and t-shirt without my wig and said, "DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO SOCIALIZE?!"

With some sympathy she realized the position she was asking me to partake and called her boyfriend...they got into a tiny argument but she said in the end, ALRIGHT it's 8 pm now be ready and packed by 10pm...

Needless to say he wasn't ready. I was about to pass out. They got into a BIGGER argument where she was screaming at him in front of his home and he stood there kinda laughing (cause he was a little drunk). I thought WOW, I need to lay down. By the time I got to my sister's house we ALL had to get up in 4 hours to get to the airport...I really should have been asleep at at 8 or 9 pm instead I went to sleep at 2am. Needless to say I got them to the airport with a little time to spare. Exhausted but I got them there. Before she left though, in retrospect, I reminded her once again about Wednesday...of course her mind was in Seattle so I'm not going to hold that one on her...

Sunday cames, I'm exhausted from entertaining my guest and I have to pick her up with the knowledge I have to be up at 5 am the next day to get to class by 8am. But I pick her up and they finally get into the car by 11pm. I thought since we're already down in Chinatown we might as well get some food...I am positive thier starving since they most likely missed dinner time so I brought them down to Chinatown. We didn't get home until 1am I think.

I didn't say anything to anyone about this because I didn't need to let anyone know. It wasn't a big deal for me to do this because, I appreciate everything my sister has done for me so far that is why I try to keep her into consideration for her comfort and try to make things easier for her. UNTIL WEDNESDAY...

Monday and Tuesday evening, the week of my fifth cycle of Chemo, when Caryn and I were home I reminded Caryn Hotel and Chemo is this WEEEK. Gives me a ya ya ya, attitude, not because she doesn't care but because she was busy...and lemme tell you, if you push her to acknowledge you she'll freak out...SO my only recourse is just to tell her and hopefully she'll remember later. Ceci, as usually, flaked out...it's fine I didn't think anything of it...it's nothing new. But, I went home anyway early...

I got home at 3, according to our plan...and she wasn't home...not too much of a suprise because we did say between 3 and 4...

SO, I called her just to remind her of our plans and she said, "I NEVER had this conversation with you" She had plans and she wouldn't be comming home until 7:30-8 pm. Then she said "WELL, I JUST remember, I made an appointment to see my hair stylist to get my hair colored and she was on her way to the salon now oh, and Thursday I'm dropping you off at the hospital and going to work at Anne's office...I'll be back at 7..." OK...we get into an argument at which point I just hang up. She got me crying. Ran upstairs Where Denis comes up to calm me down.

Everyone knows I don't want to do Chemo... I don't want to drink that horrible Chinese medicine...I rather have nature run it's course to be quite frank...I'm doing this to stop the argument, I'm doing Chemo for my family. I'm drinking that god aweful medicine that my dad makes for my dad...NOT for myself. My family makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of garbage...Like I'm a free loader. I'm sorry, I've worked since I was the age of 9 years old scooping ice cream...I worked until I was 24 for my family. I never complained to work I just did what I had to do...I never got paid until I left the family and returned and even then I got $600 a month. Asian families are bizzare and hard to explain. There is bias towards me because I had a boyfriend at 17 years old. How has that effected me? Lets see...My older sister got a car at 16 she got a second car after she totaled the first one at I think 19 or 20 then she got a BMW when she graduated from Law school...Caryn she got a car I forget when but she was young...she totalled the car and got a NEW car.

When I was 24 I inherited my sister run down toyota tercel. I got into a one car accident and because Anne tells me she fixed the brakes and the breaks were worn down to the NUB!! I didn't total the car but it certainly didn't run properly and I was expected to get to and from work with this janky run down car while my sisters get brand new cars...

Every single one of my sibblings have had problems with school...basic injustices. Thier basic injustices really didn't mean anything...Just a teacher can't see eye to eye with my dad...it was not going to effect thier acedemic carreer in a serious long term instance...MY dad stood up for everysingle on except mine...MY CLASS. the one class that could help me get into graduate school...You guys have read what I wrote about that whole situation...My dad wouldn't even look at the letter I wrote. ALL this because I had a boyfriend at 17. I admit I was a little boy crazy back then but I NEVER did anything bad other than sneak out occassionally with a boyfriend BUT, all kids have things they need to rebell against...ANYWAY sorry for venting...

Back to the original story...I was upset and made it in my mind that I really wasn't going to go back...there is no reason. I helped Denis finish his chores and I sat at my computer looking for apartments to rent...after Chemo I'm getting a job and I'm moving out...I can't deal with this constant bickering.

Caryn comes into my room at like 9 pm, mind you an hour after she said she was going to be back, and says "WELL?!"

I replied..."I'm not going"

She askes..."WHY?!"

Well I explained the above reasons and then she FLIPS OUT. I mean completely flips out and starts screaming at me about how she's a bad sister, she was wrong, blah blah blah blah and then she starts hitting herself...WOW.

THEN SHE takes a shoe and beats herself more in the head...I'm not looking I'm still looking at my monitor but Denis was in the room and told me what he saw.

For a breif moment of pause she stop to take a breath and I said, "I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into going to Chemo." and somewhere in there I say, "you really need to go get some anger management courses..."

Where she starts beating herself again and screaming again...Denise calmed her enough where I could hear him and he said, "I'm not emotionally blackmailing you, go for me."

It's so bad but that's when I thought OK, I'll go. in the mean time she's still freaking out, she can't hear me for her voice was louder that what she could hear herself think...let alone hear what I had to say.

I didn't say much to say anything would be fruitless. At the end of her tantrum she says to me..."your selfish bitch and have a BLACK heart."

I wasn't going to make to the hotel room at this point...it was kinda fruitless. So I went to bed. I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. I had to be up at 5 am to get the hospital at 7. If Caryn was up and was ready I would have gone with her but I thought...NOPE it's not going to happen, she's not going to wake herself up for me. So I went to the hospital by myself at the end. EVERYONE at the hospital knows me to be cheery and happy and most of the staff LOVE to talk to me...So when Caryn wasn't there they all looked puzzled and asked where is your sister...I lied and said she had to work.

Chemo, I have a ritual...I prepare myself to sleep the entire time I'm there. That's it. I eat a lttle inbetween the awarness but, generally I sleep. It gives me energy for the rest of the weekend oddly enough. I LOVE being knocked out during Chemo cause if I'm going to have to sit there ALL day...TV get boring...I don't want to talk to people cause I'm hurting, I'd rather be asleep cause it makes the time go faster.

Caryn, CALLS the hospital while I'm on Chemo...it's like 11 the first time I'm out like a light and they wake me up to talk to me...THAT was really irritating. Then they wake me up again they wake me up a total of 8 times. I think I was done at 3 pm but the nurse allowed me to sleep until 5 so that could feel ok.

I called Caryn once to tell her to stop calling, I'm in the hosptial, I'm fine, please just let me sleep. NO, she has to call the hospital 3 more times after that and wakes me up 3 more times. I had the option to stay at the hotel or go home. I felt ok to drive home...better sleeping in my own bed than sleeping in a hotel room. I call Caryn when I got home because she left me a rather NASTY voicemail. something like I'm not going to talk to you anymore and I've fulfilled my obligaitions to you. She said more but that's basically what she said.

I call her back I said something to set her off and the last thing I hear her say is "I'm DONE with you, I hate you, I don't want to help you anymore, and I'll stop talking to you. You're a self center bitch, you are a burden to the family and your a leech." Then she hung the phone up on me.

Those of you who know me...Am I all these things? OH an Jen...I UNDERSTAND why you're so pissed off at your Brother...HOWEVER, I will forgive my sister and be apart of her life again soon...:) love you

This past weekend

2008-06-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

I had a visitor this weekend...and I spent alot of time with this visitor. We talked about my cancer and my treatments, school and my stress.

I've come to realize alot of things while fighting against cancer:
1) I'm a strong person
2) I'm a stronger person
3) I never wish this illness on anyone, even my worse enemy
4) There are certain people that deserve my time
5) There are people who really don't deserve my time
6) I have to make choices for myself and all the static I get is just static
7) Advise is something to consider not to make a choice
8) I have to live with the consequences of my decisions, no one else

There are other things I've realize but, I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to reveal them quite yet.

This diease has help me sort out those who are my friends, who love me, and who were just using me. It's really sad to make that realization. But at the same time it's a wonderous celebration within myself to see the majority of people I have allowed into my life actually care for me as much as I would care for them. All others they can kiss my ...

Fatigue

2008-06-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

Extreme fatigue is a strange monster. So very tired all the time and no matter how exhausted you are there are times where you just cant sleep. Thus far I've seen a few types of fatigue:

1) Extreme SLEEP
-no real explaination other than no matter what you do you just are tired
-6 cups of coffee and one shot of expresso and you're still knocked out

2) Body Fatigue
-this is the most fustrating of all the fatigues because only you body is tired...your mind, spirit, and will well they want the body to do things and you just can't
-Because I'm on chemo I don't take sleeping pills
-What I do take is benedryl, 20 ml memoline (can't spell), and a prescription to aid in sleep, anxitiey, and nausea...Even if I take these pills I can't sleep
-Just lie in bed or on the couch not able to do anything but stare into space, fustrated cause my body won't respond NO MATTER what I do.

3) Want EVERYONE to go away
-this is fustrating because there are far too many people in my house
-I love my family but thier preventing me from sleeping
-Late night arguments break out
-late diners
-doesn't help that the walls are thinner than paper so I can hear EVERYTHING anyone is talking about.

4) Troubled mind
-School-Well, if you been reading my blogs you know what I'm talking about
-family-the battle within the family unit
-fear-I really don't want anymore Chemo
-Chemo-Yeah
-Pain-it's been rather unbearable lately
-which battle to choose to fight

Recently I've noticed a serious change in how Chemo has effected me emotionally. I've been more cranky, alot less tolerant, moody...I find myself crying for no reason. Laughter has been difficult for me to achieve and I find it difficult to smile. I do smile when I'm around people but in general those are rather forced smiles. I want to pull myself away and hide from the world but, instead I push myself forward and try to be more social.

Fatgue, pain, and moodiness seems to be the rulers of my current world and it's not something I enjoy seeing in myself. I want to see a silverlining in all this but really I don't. My life has always been centered that one day I'll have babies and now I don't really see that happening so I wonder what's the point? What's the point in living if you're not able to reproduce? What is it called reproductively challanged? I know most people today my age and younger really aren't interested in babies but, for some reason it's still in my mind, something I want eventhough, the notion frightens me a great deal at the same time.

School

2008-06-09T10:03:00.001-07:00

Well, I had school today and I gotta say I felt so sick I nearly fell over in my chair. I can't even begin to describe this stupid feeling. it's like a roller coaster. One day it's ok, the next I'm bottoming out, then it's up again. It's really frustraing to have to deal with this up and down feeling of good and bad.

Having cancer puts a lot of things in perspective. Things that use to bother me doesn't really feel all that significant. With all the pain, the sickness, the weakness, and the negative energy I'm surrounded with I've come to appreciate all the good in my life. All those who love me, who do actually care, and the little things that make me happy like the mon KEYS my sister brought back for me from Seattle this weekend. It was such a simple gift and yet it made me so happy.

Someone made a joke to me this weekend that made me laugh the entire weekend and it was so innocent and yet so dirty at the same time that made me laugh...

Old arguments and old stupid things really don't make me think twice. Other people who have a problem with me from the past argments...I see it as thier own problem right now...I don't have the time, energy, or the mental capacity to deal with thier issues currently.

Which brings to the ideal that since I'm on a limited mental capacity, it begs the question what is it that makes my life so busy now than before?! In theroy I should have NOTHING to worry about and should have lots of time on my hands and yet I don't. I seem to be constantly running from one place to another. I'm suddenly forced to say, OK, I have to pick and choose which battle I need to take care of...the others I have to either give up and move on with my life or deal with it another time in my life. Some issues need to be taken care of right away whereas others are just horrible and complicated that it's not even worth it ... but if I don't take care of it will bite me in the long term.

The struggles of keeping my brain straight is currently helping me deal with some of my issues...I simply forget the issue and sometimes it never comes back...unfortunatly some do come slapping me across my face to tell me I won't be ignored...GOOD GRIEF! SO for now I deal with what I have to deal with and I try to accomedate the things I can't deal with but, I am realizing that I shouldn't kick myself for those things I can't control. I'm sick, I'm not able to do everything I set out to do...That's basically it. It's just so very hard accept this concept...

Chemo Brain

2008-06-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

Very early this morning I drove my sister, Caryn, and her boyfriend, Clayton to the airport. We got to the area fairly early and saw a McDonalds. Craving an ice coffee I suggested that they get breakfast before thier flight so they wouldn't be hungry during thier flight. As we sat in the car waiting for our food at this subefficent so called fast food resturant, We chatted about how poor the service was. Painfully we finally recieved our coffee...I sat there for a moment, and Caryn asked, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Those people behind us are going to get out of thier cars and beat us with sticks!!"

I looked at her befoggled and said, "we need to get our sandwiches don't we?!"

In unison Caryn and Clayton rang out, "we got our sandwiches LONG before we got our drinks! GO..."

Well needless to say I had absolutly NO recollection of that event. But it must have taken place for the bag was sitting right next to Caryn and yet I absolutely don't have any idea how that bag came across my face to Caryn's side...Even now I don't have any idea how it came about.

"well, that's Chemo Brain for ya..." I remarked to Caryn and Clayton

They both laughed and I snickered, but really it troubled me. As we drew closer to the airport, Caryn recalled when she was proof reading my recent paper how it was a very interesting paper with lots of wonderful parts to it she noticed that I would start a point and then suddenly stop and start another point. OF course that's just me sometimes, I do do that but, she remarked it was worse than normal.

It's so difficult to remember things and then there are things that are so clear in my mind. I notice it in my speech...I'm having a hard time remembering basic words and find myself studdering. I like to believe I'm a intelligent person with a vast vocabulary but, who am I kidding...I believe my vocabulary is, at best, average to slightly higher. It disturbs me that I'm struggling with my vocabulary.

Reading to myself it seems to have little to no effect, well, that I'm aware of. However, reading outloud...has be painfully evident, I struggled with a paragraph class recently. WOW, it was bad...I felt like a 1st Grader reading a high school text book, it was really that painful. Peoples faces, names, conversations, and tasks have been extremely difficult for me to comprehend, remember, or understand at times.

I have also noticed that I'm having difficulty with my moblity. I get odd twitches, numbness, and loss of feeling in my limbs. It's all kinda scary but, I feel that I need to get past these things, the struggle with my physical being. My brain forgets that I can't do certain things, at the very lease shouldn't do things. I physically can tell that I'm weaker.

The fatigue...I never understood that word until recently. When I work out I fear working out infront of people because of the fatigue. I don't want to show my weakness. Before, I was able to push my body to a certain point and I was always able to go a little further with no fear of just collapsing. NOW, I work out a little bit and I'm fear I'm going to collapse, the point of fatigue. I haven't yet but, I feel it will come. I am trying to keep moving and pushing myself to excersize simply because I have to keep my health going but, that fatigue scares me a great deal. This fatigue thing happened so quickly that I'm having a hard time adjusting to the feeling.

I am coming up to my 5th cycle of Chemo and I want to run screaming from it. Every cycle gets worse and worse. Every cycle I feel weaker and weaker. Every cycle I feel more and more pain for longer periods. Every cycle I am TERRIFIED of going back. I don't want to be poked anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be stuck at home anymore. I'm missing out on life...I long to go on another archeaological dig. I long to work. I'm envious to those who are on expeditions, traveling, and living...

I hear people complain about thier lives, thier minor pains, thier injustices...in all reality it's nothing compared to what I'm going through, I hate to be so narcicistic but it's true. in reality I shouldn't even complain about what I'm going through because I know there are some people out there who are struggling harder than what I am going through in regards to thier disease. Having cancer puts you in perspective with certain things. Makes you appreciate things you took for granted.

Don't get me wrong, if God gave me the choice to do this all over again, I most certainly would not do it. But, because I have to go through these times, I am happy to say that I am learning about myself, life, and others within this experience that I most likely would never have learnt before no matter how many books, classes, or influences I partake.

Still wish I were in Belize.

A BLOG

2008-06-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I have lots to say and am being VERY lazy today. I don't really feel like blogging today simply because I don't feel like it but, I'm make a feable attempt. I had school today and after class I did everything I could to prevent myself from going home...I'm not 100% sure why I just didn't feel like going.

I got alot accomplished figured out what classes I still needed to graduate, what math class I need to take and one natural science. I have 2 Anthro classes to attempt to finish and one core class...a class that has something to do with Anthro but at another department of the school...Only have to take a English competency test and the constitution test and I'm DONE!! 5 classes and I'm done! WAH HOOO.

I pushed my way around school...apparently I'm not supposed to have more than one advisor so when I went to the advising center, they tried to send me away BUT, I was more or less pushy in trying to get into see an advisor so I can be sure I'm not wasting my time in choosing classes...thus far I chose 2 classes I need one more to get my financial aid going. SO, I'll be taking a math class. One more independent study class and I should be good to go...

School Response to my Letter

2008-06-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

So in order of how the response came in...

Sent: Monday, April 28, 2008 1:47 PM

Dear Ms. Shaw,

I am in receipt of your April 23rd letter. I am forwarding it to Assoc. Dean David Rutschman in the College of Arts and Sciences for review.

Someone will be in touch will you as soon as practicable.

MTK
Dean of Students

Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 4:54 PM

Dear Ms. Shaw,

I talked with Prof. Hageman about your situation and your complaint. We can all work together to find the best solution.

What I would like to propose, and Prof Hageman is in agreement, is for you to complete the course in the Fall (with another professor) or better yet, in Spring 2009 with Prof. Hageman. We will have no problem changing the grade at that point, given the special circumstances you are facing.

I hope you are doing well and that have been able to complete your other courses this term. And that you will be back, fully recovered, in Fall.

Feel free to contact Jon Hageman so together you can figure out the best alternative. And please stay in touch so I can make sure things are working out.

Associate Dean

My response...

4/30/2008 11:26:09 P.M. Central Daylight Time

Dear Mr. Rutschman,

This letter is in response to your letter to me dated April 29, 2008.

I have had a very unfortunate life. When I was 18, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and within a year, she passed away. Her passing left me grief stricken and I fell into a deep depression. At the time school was the only thing that kept me afloat and focused other than the loss of my mother. However, before I completed school, I met a man who became my husband and he convinced me to quit school. A few years later he betrayed, abandoned, and took advantage of my kind heart and financial situation. When we started our divorce proceedings five years ago, I returned to school. Though my divorce has been difficult, through it all my studies at Northeastern have been my guiding light and solace.

Along with my divorce, I have been diagnosed with breast cancer where my original surgeon botched the surgery and had left some of the tumor and cancer cells in my body. As a result, I was forced to have another surgery before I was completely healed from the first surgery. When I awoke from my procedure, I felt the searing pain on the right side of my body and saw the tubes that draped out of my body. My doctors informed me the surgery, which should have taken two hours, took five hours because the cancer had spread so rapidly. My surgical team removed half my right breast and 17 lymph nodes. The first thing I did after my doctors left was to call my friend from school and plead with her to inform my Professors that I would not be attending classes the coming week. With each chemotherapy treatment, my body becomes weaker and weaker and thusly takes longer for me to function in my daily life.

When Dr. Hagemen informed me of his original decision, I was devastated. It affected me so badly that I did not want to carry on with treatment. When he informed me he had made a mistake in calculating before our agreement, which is what pushed me to continue. I have done all I can to keep my part of the agreement that Dr. Hageman and I had made. I have lost time, money, my health and my own peace of mind over this issue. I did not ask to be sick and I did not request or seek special treatment. What I did ask for was some humane compassion for what I am dealing with in my life. During this entire ordeal, I missed three days of school, two one-page assignments, and one exam. With the exception of the exam, all of my absences were due to my illness, and if necessary, I can provide the necessary medical documentation to prove it. Dr. Hageman refused to give me the exam. I have been through enough just in the past year with my life, my health, and my emotional state to last a lifetime. School has been the one and only factor in my life that has provided me the grace and driving force for me to continue to move forward and look to the positive. My educational life at Northeastern is very meaningful and has become a major component in my healing process. Please, I ask of you, do not take this away from me.

I am willing to resolve the situation by being allowed a fair chance at completing the exam with an unbias professor to grade the final exam or that I receive a refund of the funds I have paid for the class (or a credit to my account) and that this course is removed from my permanent record. Furthermore, I ask from this University that when I enroll in the course again for the fall 2008 semester under the tutelage of Dr. Russell Zanca that the tuition be waived. I feel this is a fair and reasonable request because of being discriminated against by Dr. Hagemen. This does not resolve the issue of retaliation and future discrimination by the professor. Due to the intensity of the course, and all of the work I put into the original semester, I feel this experience will set me back mentally for the new semester. I cannot, in good faith, work or learn from someone who I no longer respect, has no compassion for his students, and blatantly lies to them because of his own negligence.

Please Advise.

Yours Sincerely,

Associate Dean's Response...

Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 5:34 PM

Barbara,

I received the letter you sent by certified mail. As I understand your request, you would like to retake the course in the Fall with Prof. Zanca. That is certainly possible, and it is one of the options I had suggested.

I will talk with Prof. Zanca. I’m sure he will agree to have you take the course (without registering, since this will be to remove the previous incomplete). We will then replace the I grade with the grade assigned to you by Prof. Zanca.

I will let you know if there are any complications with this, otherwise contact Prof. Zanca before school starts in the Fall.

regards,

And then responded once again with...

Date: 5/13/2008 2:18:33 P.M. Central Daylight Time

Barbara,

I have communicated with Prof Zanca, and he will gladly let you retake the course with him. Remember, at the end of the term, to communicate with me or Prof. Hageman to get the grade changed.

regards,

This is my delema...It doesn't change a darn thing about what was said originally when I first started corresponding with the dean. It's irritating and it seems like thier forcing me to talk to Dr. H STILL. It's so discouraging and sad. I have a new letter that is waiting and I'm not 100% sure if I should send it or not...

Advise would be welcomed...

Hair Loss

2008-06-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

So, after the first cycle of Chemo, I thought I was ok with the thought of losing my hair until that fateful day where I actually started loosing my hair. First cycle of Chemo was interesting ride, I went to school, slept, and visited some friends during this time. I had very little to do with actually spending time doing fun things outside my home when new friends of mine, Jeff and Laura, decided to ask me out to the theater and dinner. During the dinner they saw I had cut my hair really short...they were suprised and I was very self conscienous about my hair since it had already started to come out.

At first it was just falling out, small pieces here and there, nothing significant. My head started to hurt. At first it was just a funny feeling and then it felt like pins and needles stabbing my head. My hair felt funny like forever oily and nothing I could do could keep it clean. The shower was a horrific experience since every time I washed my hair, that is when the hair loss was more and more prevailant. The worse part of it is when you go out with people...even though they don't really know it, you're really self consciencous about the hair loss in thier car, home, ore whatever...it's the horrifice feeling that you'll get someone brushing your clothing and it's not dandriff but your hair thier brushing off. But then more and more started to come out without the shower...The night that I went to dinner with my friends was when the first CLUMP of hair came out.

I returned home after a wonderful evening and I sat at my desk. Jeff signed on and we started chatting about the evening when suddenly my head itched , when I went to scratch the area a HUGE clump of hair came out. I gotta say I did not react well. I ran to my sister's room and said to her it has to come off now...She looked at me like I was crazy and tried to calm me down. I basically wasn't listening to her and told her it comes out now with or without your help...My step mother tried talking me out of shaving my head...

My step mother started crying..."I can't shave your head, it's the night before easter..." was her excuse.

I was so determined to shave my head I took the buzzard and sat infront of a mirror. My step mother was begging me to wait until My brother or Father woke up the next day to help me shave my head but, I wasn't having it. IT HAD TO COME OFF. So my sister said OK, I'll help...

As she started she absolutely had no idea what she was doing...my step mother was SOO upset...and finally said OK, she needed to step in since Caryn was struggling so hard to do it correctly...SOMEHOW they made me compromise and just use a #2 gard and keep my bangs...BUT, within two weeks I shaved my head completely by myself infront of a mirror...it was just too physically painful, emotionally, and it was comming out in clumps anyway at that point.

Hagemen the continueing saga

2008-06-01T00:43:00.000-07:00

As you all know about the situation with Dr. H. Well about 2 weeks before Chemo started...about 6 weeks before school ended, I wrote to him with:

Hi Dr. H,
Well, the final four weeks are here and I was wondering if I could get the classroom information time, place, and dates of the class from you.

the final 4 weeks syllibus would be good. I'd like to complete the Final now that I still have the energy to do so. It would reduce my stress level during finals week to get it completed now.

Thanks Barbara

It was actually 6 weeks before but...I wasn't really thinking at the time... His response was...He basically didn't know what I was talking about and that I should call him Tuesday between 11 and 1 which I did and left a voicemail message...He never returned my call... where I wrote him...

At 02:45 PM 4/21/2008, you wrote:

Hi Dr. H,
I need to complete the final but for some reason I'm unable to get contact you to obtain the final. We're running out of time as the end of the semester is nearing. I'd like to take the final sometime soon. But, I worry about the time constraints and the fatigue involved with the chemo in completing the exam on time. might you have a solution for this delema?
Thanks
Barb

His Response:

Hello Barb:

Glad to hear you're doing better, and I hope the effects of the chemo are minimal. We missed you for the final few weeks of class but I understand the need to focus on recovery.

I appreciate your willingness to take the final. I am sorry to say that, at this point in the semester, it is mathematically impossible for you to pass the class with a C or better as a result of missing the last 3 weeks of discussion and papers, which drop your grade considerably. As unfortunate as this is, I would suggest re-taking the class in the fall. As you've seen much of the material already you'll have a bit of an advantage this time around, and a better chance at a higher grade.

Thanks for the email, and best wishes on your continued recovery!

Dr. H.

SO, basically what he had planned originally...So I wrote to the Dean with ALL of the correspondance:

RE: General policy Statement on Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action and Anthropology 355 Dr. J. Hagemen

Dear Dr. Kelly and Dr. Vamarasi,

I am currently a full time student enrolled in the Anthropology program. Enclosed is correspondence between Dr. Hageman and I through my ordeal during the fall semester and the current semester.

I am writing you as a last resort. 2007 Fall Semester I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnoses happened near the end of the semester where I was unable to attend classes due to my illness. On December 4, 2007, I had informed all of the professors of my condition immediately after my diagnosis to where some professors had been extremely supportive and understanding, with the exception of Dr. John Hagemen.

The History of Anthropology, I understand weighs heavily on class participation which was clear to me from the very beginning. I had only missed 3 classes due to my illness; I have participated in nearly every class discussion with relevant topics and received a C for the midterm. All of my papers I received between an A- to a C- averaging about a B. Dr. Hagemen informed me, in an email dated 12/04/2007; it was not possible for me to pass the final as shown in the enclosed documentation. Later, in another email dated 12/11/2007, after other professors within the department had spoken to him, he changed his opinion.

On 12/11/2007, Dr. Hageman and I made an agreement via email to arrange for me to complete the course during the spring semester by me attending the last 3 weeks of classes, turning in the assignments, and completing the final. Through out the spring semester I had kept in contact with Dr. Hagemen to give him updates on my condition. On 03/26/2008, approximately 6 weeks before school ended I had contacted Dr. Hagemen requesting the information for the class to make arrangements to attend class in which time I requested to take the final before I started my Chemo so that finals would not be such a burden on me. Dr. Hagemen responded, as documented, and informed me he did not understand my email and requested I call him at a given time. I had called him where I left a message for Dr. Hagemen and he had not returned my call.

After repeated attempts to contact Dr. Hagemen via phone call per his request, on 4/21/2008 I emailed Dr. Hagemen once again last week requesting information about the final he then emailed me right away stating that he does not foresee me passing his class with a grade higher than a C. In order to graduate I would need a B or above, and given the evidence I deserve a B or above. I believe Dr. Hagemen is bias towards me and had no intension of passing me due to my illness, political, and social stand point. Students who have taken this class with me can verify my attendance and the class participation I conducted within class.

I am currently undergoing Chemo Therapy and am trying to finish the classes I am currently enrolled in. I have little energy, strength, and mental capability to deal with Dr. Hagemen at this point. I cannot monetarily afford to have this class on my record nor can I afford to take this course again. I believe that I gave Dr. Hagemen ample time to fulfill our agreement; however, due to his negligence he did not allow me to complete the course.

In accordance to school policy under the “General policy Statement on Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action”, I feel I have been discriminated against due to my disability by Dr. Hagemen. I am bringing this to your attention because I would like to first resolve this unfair situation in a private and civil manner.

Please Advise

Yours Sincerely,

Barbara Shaw

To be continued

Chemo

2008-05-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

What can I say about Chemo...it is very different for different people. I gotta say the past 6 months of my life has been the hardest 6 months I have EVER gone through, Chemo has been really rough to deal with. Each cycle has been different almost completely and for the most part I've been rather terrified each and everytime I go for Chemo.

My first Chemo started about mid semester. I chose to have my first cycle of Chemo in the hospital and have an overnight stay. It's always recommended to do this because you never know how your body would react to the chemo. This day my port was accessed for the first time. Yeah, that was terrifying and intriging all at the same time. My port is a device that was implanted at the same time as my partical mascetomy. this is where blood can be drawn and my infusion is put in. The idea is they use this port so that my viens would not collapse after the chemo is administered. The port is located on my chest connected to my left juglar and my left arm vien. They say it's easier than having a IV needle the size of a pencil being inserted...maybe I'm exagerating a little bit, but it's still really scary even after my fourth cycle.

The process of accessing my port...an hour before you arrive to the hospital you add the horrble cream that is supposed to numb the area. The longer you have it on the more numb you become. Personally, the two shots of whatever numbing agent they have is far more effective in my opinion. They bring you into a room and literally LOCK the door behind them no one is allowed in or out of the room until the proceedure is complete. As a patient you are NOT to bring anything in the room with you. A nurse seats you on a table where your seated upright. While you're sitting there the nurse chit chats with you, I think this is an attempt to calm you as they pull out needles, boxes, swabs, sheets, ect and prepares for the proceedure.

First thing they do after they have everything layed out is they wash thier hands.Then they hand you your mask and put on thier mask, they then unwrap the set of gloves out of thier containers where she then unwraps all the needles, tubes, tape etc from thier individually wrapped packaging. There is this swab thing that looks like one of those dishwashing sponges with the tube so that you don't have to keep adding soap. But this thing is only ment to be used only once. Breaking the seal thier is a clear liquid that comes out of the sponge. She swabs the area which feels like a cool alcholly feel to it. It's quite interesting. And waits for it to dry. By this time the area should be completely numb right? Yeah not really...She switches to another set of gloves and prepares the needles...

The needles are connected to very thin tubes with connectors. The tubes are about 4 inches long. Needles are about 1 to 1/2 cm long...remember I have two ports that are being accessed. SO, she picks up the first needle, I'm sweating, I can't see what thier doing cause if I bend my head they can't see what thier doing and even if I did bend my head I can't see my port. Then she tells me ok BREATH OUT...they say it doesn't hurt...but it does...it's more of an annoying hurt that an OWE hurt but you feel the SNAP, that unnatural snap, the horrible snap. THEN you realized OH dear god there is another one they have to do...OK, Breath out again...Hurt just as bad!! Annoying pain doesn't go away all day.

My first round of Chemo was very stressful. It was unfortunate that the hospital was changing over systems at the same time as I was starting. I gotta say, it was complete chaos. I was supposed to start my chemo at 11 am...I didn't start my chemo until 6:45pm. To me I didn't have the optimal observation time. I was released at 9 am the next day so, I might as well have the outpatient chemo.

The first time I had the Chemo pumped into my body...THAT was the worse 5 mins of my life. The first few mins was fine as the nurse was standing over me. As soon as she walked out of the room...HERE came the WAVES of nausea. The room span so fast, I never felt like throwing up more than I did in those five mins in my entire life. I pressed that nurse button less than 5 seconds after she walked out...it took her 5 mins to return...in the grand scheme of things...it's not that big a deal. BUT, it was a long 5 mins...I then heard her say opps, but the drip too fast there...SIGH

My friend Michelle was online and kept me company for a while...Great thing the internet technology thing!! I had a traffic of people parading in and out of my IM. It was fabulous. No one had to see me at the hospital (unless they REALLY wanted to via video cam), I didn't have to feel guilty to have people drive to see me, and people could keep me company via IM.

The Chemo ended at about 11:45pm. It didn't knock me out as bad as I thought it would. Over the next few weeks though...PHEW. The effects of Chemo is over time and not immediate. Atlease the first round was for me. The two days after Chemo your nauseated and fatigued but when the third day hit OH MY GOSH, PAIN!! So much pain I cried. Bone, Muscle, skin Everything hurt. More I layed down the more I tried to sleep the more pain occured. SO, Caryn suggested we walk, go shopping. More I moved the less pain I got. It was a cold Sunday afternoon. She took me to the grocery store and bought LOTS of fruit. We discovered that smoothies help elevate the nausea almost instantaneously. So we walked around the grocery store picking fruit...after we finished shopping she looked at me and asked WELL, lets go to the shoe shop that is 20 mins away...

OK, I thought, this might be a bad idea...But, it turned out to be a good one. We went to a shoe shop to have one of her shoes repaired and then walked for about a mile. Which made me feel SOO much better. After we went to my other sister's house Anne where her husband Matt made dinner for us. Over all it was a great day. I think it set the remainder of week. Because I was able to get to class without any problems.

Jen Brady

2008-05-31T23:16:00.000-07:00

So I haven't written much about what's going on for a while now, I apologise for this, I've been rather depressed for the past three months and just not motivated to write...plus struggling with school, healing, and Chemo hasn't exactly been the easiest thing I've had to deal with.

Since I left off, I've was about halfway through the semester. I've been struggling with completing the semester. I don't think I could have ever completed this semester without my friends from school more specifically my friend Jen Brady. She has been so supportive of me and has helped me through my struggles with my classes. Being empathic with my illness and proving me with the MOST awesomest notes to help me through the classes. She pushed me to take classes that I thought I wouldn't have the energy to take but, at the end of the semester was REALLY happy I took it. She never let me give up on myself or my classes.

I think she's the most beautiful person I know both inside and out. Anyway, I don't think I would ever get through this past semester without her. There were alot of other people who helped me through this difficult time but she stood out more than anyone else, outside of my family of course.

Last serious Post was March

2008-05-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

I had finished my first round of Chemo and started losing my hair...I freaked out and decided to shave my head.

Since then I've had my second and third round of Chemo. Everyone asks me what are the effects...I can say this much...It's been really different each time I have Chemo. The first time I described the experience in that last blog. The second cycle so far the worse experience. I first the hospital was changing over the system so it was the first time I had to deal with my Chemo on the system. It was a rather unique experience since suddenly I had a new doctor that I have NEVER met. No one told me I would have a new doctor and I had no idea what was going on. I realized that my finals had fallen right in the middle of finals SO, I didn't think I could handle my finals and my assignments all at the same time with Chemo so I had a fairly complicated and horrific ordeal trying to fix the situation with the hospital and re-routing my shedule was a difficult task for me.

A New day

2008-05-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I've just finished my third round of Chemo, My exams, and I'm preparing for the Power test that I will be attending May 18th 2008. I'm sorry I haven't been writting too much since the problem with my last blog it's just be very difficult to maintain my spirits in fear that something would happen to my blog...SO, I have a found new drive to carry on with this new blog and ALL the blogs that I happen to have backed up is ALL here. Currently I believe I uploaded the new blogs in chronological order so if you're new to my blog you can read up in order the events of my life up until this point...The last I wrote wasn't much of anything so I'll try to update everything since I seriously wrote.

First day of school Current mood: blissful

2008-05-02T15:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it was the first day of school and I'm taking a new teacher I've not had before. He seems very nice and I am looking forward to this class. I had an opportunity to see my friends and I'm so happy to have seen them. I've sorta been in recluse from most of my friends from school and it's been bad but, I've been so busy with everything it's very hard for me to make time.
It's so interesting to hear other people's stories when they just find out about your cancer for the first time. Their empathy, kindness, and their stories of cancer. I am really looking forward in seeing Dr. Kilzer for tomorrow's class. I thought his class would have been on Monday but it was actually on Wednesday which thus far most of my treatments, surgeries, and appointments fall around his class which is a good thing...I'm psyched about his class and I think I'm motivated enough that I will complete last semester some time this week and next.

First Blog My Cancer

2008-05-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

My Cancer
Well, I'm not sure when to start...aproximately 10 months ago I found a lump in my breast. I had lost alot of weight the previous 2 years slowly and gradually and thought well, it's probably just fatty tissue that had lumped as some people have told me it might be...I put off having it checked for months because lots of things were happening to me at that time...

During the 10 months, LOTS of things happened...may mistakes but the highlight was my trip to Belize for an archaeological dig with my Prof Dr. Hageman. It was the hardest and most rewarding experience of my life, I really didn't want to come home...at that time I had no idea the lump in my breast was cancer...I knew it was there and in the back of my mind actually knew it wasn't good...I guess I was in denial...

When I returned home from Belize I reunited with an ex boyfriend briefly and he had mentioned the lump...What can I say, I began to be embarrased about the lump, I still ignored it...

School started and I ignored it still but mainly focusing on finishing school because I need to get out of school asap...Some time in September I went to the school's nurse to get an annual. I told her about the lump and she said she was worried about it...That was my first indication of a real problem...STILL I ignored it.

I bumped in to a really old friend to whom I had been missing so much over the past few years and had been thinking of her and her mother. When I found out her mom had past away from breast cancer...I also started to feel pain in around the lump So, I decided I really needed to go see a doctor so, on Tuesday October 30, 2007 I went to see Dr. Jane Bang about the lump. She felt the lump and told me quiet frankly because of my age I should worry about it too much...but she sent me to get an ultrasound.

On Friday November 9th, 2007 I get my first appointment to see the radiologist. He was a really nice guy...he told me when he saw the ultra sound I had one of two options I can have the lump removed or I could get a needle biopsy...but because it was SO close to my lymph nodes he thought it would be best to have it removed right away...That is when I found out that I had breast cancer.

WELL, the radiologist strongly pointed that it most likely was breast cancer...That night, still in shock I went to see a concert with my classmates and with Dr. Zanca...I think I was still in shock...I told Kyle, a friend, and I told Dr. Zanca what was going on...

On November 12, I met with a surgeon and on November 13 I had surgery to remove the lump.
The pathology came back positive for ductal carcinoma in-situ...which is breast cancer.This is were everything went crazy...I was looking at my doctor trying to figure out what he was saying and I see my little sister in the corner of my eye and she was crying...I calmly started talking to my doctor he was telling me the plan of attack and all I could hear were her tears.

I got home that night not sure what to do or what to say so I pulled my homework out and started studying...but this time my dad had come home and sorta woke me up. He was rather upset and God bless my dad, I love him alot and I know he loves me alot but, he fliped out...

He didn't take the news well, and I understand that he doesn't understand his own feelings so when something negative happens he doesn't know how to express them except with anger...SO, PLEASE what I'm going to say is NOT how my dad really is but this is how he reacted...He is a loving person whom loves me a great deal.
He wakes me up at midnight when he got home to tell me you know you're going to die...he repeats himself 4 more times then proceeds to tell me I'm not only going to die but die in the manor inwhich my mother died. Yeah the next two weeks were not fun...

Continuation of my first blog

2008-05-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

So my dad freaking out wasn't too much fun. Dr. Peckler, whom did my first surgery was not the best doctor in the whole wide world but, he is a surgeron and though there is no excuse to be a jerk, I'm not sure he deserved the rath my dad gave him.
So, I'll back track a little bit.

When I found out the possiblity of cancer was presence I was given a choice. The choice to have a needle biopsy, which I could have but, the results may be inconclusive because the mass was so large. Option 2 remove the tumor and have a biopsy later...pray that it isn't cancerous. The doctors pressed me to take option two.

At the same time...
My divorce was supposed to be finalized ... which meant that my health insurance will run out soon. SO, I was stressed out about that. Now new questions started to pop up. How am I going to pay for this? what happens if it's cancerous?
So I decided option two would have been the best considering I was running out of time with my insurance. I was praying that it was not cancerous and the removal of the lump was something that I can forget about.
When the pathology came back it wasn't good news...when I left the doctor's office I went to the desk and told the receptionist not to call my home phone cause I never answer it and I didn't want my dad to answer the phone.
They called my house phone...and this is where the nightmare begins. Up until this point I was fine...I consoled my sister, I didn't cry, I wasn't numb, it was more like OH, I have cancer...well what do I have to do to fix it? And if I can't how long to I have so I can say good bye to everyone?
I saw how the news affected everyone I loved and it broke my heart...I've been struggling with being happy and strong for everyone and finding it very difficult. I feel like I have to struggle making everyone happy and that's what I'm fighting for, not because I want to but because I don't want the illiness I have hurt anyone I love.

Because the receptionist called my house after I specifically told her not to call my house, my dad answers the phone and berated her. Now the conversation between my dad and the receptionist I get conflicting accounts. But basically he acted poorly and she acted poorly. My father just found out his daughter had cancer and in his mind it was a death sentence for me. And as I said I don't know what she said however, I believe my father when he said she wasn't polite or even compassionate since I have met this person and to my knowledge, she was not a nice person.
Needless to say, she hung up the phone on my dad and told Dr. Peckler that my dad wanted to speak to him...Which I am positive my dad wouldn't request something like that. Dr. Peckler called my dad, they fought on the phone...I cringed.
At this point I was exhausted, 4 days out of surgery and I have to deal with my father, treatment, Doctors, school, and my family...

My classes Current mood: depressed

2008-05-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

So, I know I haven't finished my account of what happened to this point but I have to say something that has really caused me great stress...
So, thus far my professors have been great support of me and I've been keeping them informed to what's going on...this is the end of the semester and there isn't anything I can do but to miss classes with doctor appointments, getting second opinions, surgery, and treatments. All my professors have told me they would work with me and worse comes to worse would be willing to give me an "I" if things worsens for me. I didn't want that to happen but, I thought ok, atlease it gives me some breathing room.
This week in near the end of the semester and finals are comming up...and honestly, I can't think of anything to do with school...I'VE truely tried to get the class work done over the past three weeks. The only thing I haven't completed was in one class, I turned in all other homework. to that one class I emailed the instructor, to whom was the 2nd person who found out about my cancer outside of my family, about the progress of my problem. I requested his assistance and understanding of my situation.
He responded with:
Hello Barbara--
I'm sorry to hear you will be unable to return to school for a while. As this prevents you from completing your courses I'd encourage you to let your instructors know this and ask them what they would do in your shoes regarding the class. I'd suggest a medical withdrawal from the Latin American Arch and History of classes. I'm sorry, but it seems to be the best option at this point. I am happy to write a letter of support for you in this matter. I'd also get the ball rolling this week rather than finals week.
It's not easy to face but administratively it's relatively easy to do. Good luck.
--Dr. H.
This horrified me...ALL OF THAT WORK...this class has not been an easy class...3 one page paper due every week on a monster subjects with aproximately 50 pages to read every week plus the pressure of talking to speak in public on topics you really have no idea what you just read even though you read it a hundred times...This depressed me to no end...Had I had a gun I would have killed myself...I called my sister and she encouraged me to email him back
this is what I wrote:
Hi Dr. H,
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude about this whole matter and it's been rather difficult, I'm going to be honest with you. When my doctor told me I shouldn't return next semester that is when I started crying for the first time I found out about my cancer.

I've already withdrawn from Latin American Arch...I wonder if I was doing so poorly in History that there isn't a way for me to salvage this past semester for History?

Thank you
Barbara
This is his response:
Hello Barbara--
I know you want to do well in your classes and that you're a dedicated student but you've simply missed too many weeks of classes, papers, and discussions. This also, in my estimation, will prevent you from passing the final and also the course. I hear you're not happy about having to withdraw from your courses, but it sounds like you've got much more important concerns at this point. I wouldn't suggest a withdrawal if I didn't think it was in your best interest.
Think of it this way. When (not 'if', but 'when') you do come back you'll be that much more ahead of everyone else in these classes and not only will you have a much fuller experience (particularly in History of) but you'll most likely end up with a better grade as a result. For the moment, however, you've got a very serious illness that, should you not devote your full attention and energy to, may keep you from returning for much longer than otherwise. Those are my two cents.
Keep your chin up; lots of folks here are pulling for you.
--Dr. H.
I have been so stressed and sick with worry about this the entire week that I had not been able to concentrate on the finals that I have left...I had called the Chair of the anthropology department to ask for her help and she called me back today. I explained to her the situation and the best thing she could do was talk to Dr. H. Just having to recount the whole ordeal has put me through a loop...I can't even begin to tell you how distressed I am...as I'm supposed to be concentrating on healing and getting better I'm stuck worried about a class that has little relivance to my life...SURE it's interesting to know where the history of Anthro is and how we got to this topic but...is it worth my life? If I can't get an "I" for this class I lose my grant money...if I lose my grant money I won't be able to return to school...this is something Dr. H is well aware of. If I can't return to school I don't know what I'm going to do...
This whole process has cause such a stress I don't know what to do...all I can do is cry at this point which I haven't stopped since Monday...

Clarification Current mood: shocked

2008-05-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

Some folks have voiced thier concern for me and the things that I've written in my blogs and what has been plaguing my mind which are the things that have been happening to me thus far...I want to apologize to have you all believe that situations were more extreme than they really are...So, I want to clearify...
1) My dad...I love him dearly and I know he loves me dearly. He has a funny way of showing it.
*people have thier way of dealing with thier own emotions and as a wanna be anthropologist I am learning to view things unbias. My dad lost his wife to cancer so in a sort of way my cancer has mirrored my mother's cancer...even though we had completely different cancers the news hit him really hard.
* when you see him berating me it is his way of saying I love you in a really fucked up sort of way...and I'm not saying it's right I'm saying try not to view it as a bad thing...just as something that happened.
* My dad is a great person and great man. He has helped more people than everyone I have ever known (not including my dad) combined. He's saved literally hundreds of people's lives. and touched so many others in such good ways. I remember when I was in my 20's, NOT REALLY all that long ago perfect strangers would suddenly pop up calling my father's name Mr. SHAW! and my father would wear a look of unreconisition where this person would repeat thier count of how he had saved thier lives. By this time I had already been used to it but every year he grew further away from his former job it would amaze me how many people would still come up to him to recount how MY FATHER would have saved thier lives from certain parrel.
My dad, has a unconventional way of dealing with things...I am proud of my father and love him dearly as he loves me. PLEASE as I had written before don't judge him based on this one account. He has taken good care of me brings me light every day and gives me a reason to live.
2) These four weeks have been very trying and I apologise if I sound like I'm complaining. I have been venting my fears, fustrations, and anxiety.
* most of my fustration has been school. though I had ONE issue with ONE class for the most part people have been rather supportive of me.
* The news of school hit me the hardest because it was the realization this was real...this has actually stopped my life...this has stopped my plans...and yes I know it's only temporarily but, this is how I feel.
* THIS REALLY SUCKS
* I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling weak, I hate that my body is failing me
3) perhaps I am too serious about school
* I just had a plan I so just want to graduate and now it's been pushed back at least a year...
* THIS SUCKS
4) my recollection of my doctors...
* I wish I were alone in this
* As I have found out through others who are going through this I'm not
* I haven't even begun explaining what happened to me in regards to doctors
I think those are the main points...I thank all those who have put thier input on what I've written thus far. I hope to finish my recollection to date soon...but I unfortunately have more pressing matters to deal with...Finals...I am desparate in attempting to complete them on time...I hope to have the papers done in a timely mannor as well...
PLEASE continue in giving me feed back. If you'd like to help me with my project PLEASE email me or message me. irregardless I would love to hear, read, smell (um ok, maybe not smell) your comments.
Thanks again and I hope to hear from you all again soon...KISSES

Friday, December 07, 2007 9:42 am

2008-05-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

Continuation of the beginning
I have to back track a little to about the time of my surgery...
during the time I was supposed to make the decision between the needle biopsy and the surgery to remove the tumor, I was feeling the pressure to just have the thing removed...SO, I did...the decision and the proceedure was so fast, I basically found out on a Friday and by Tuesday the tumor was removed. It was crazy fast and I had no idea if I did the right thing...
The options were not pointed out to me, the risks, the positives, the negatives...Basically, one way or another the tumor had to be removed. The night before the surgery I was told nothing...I have never been into surgery before so I had no idea what to expect. I was a little suprised as to how little information I had gotten on preping the night before...I always thought you weren't supposed to eat of drink anything before ... So I called the office before they closed and
they said..."OH YES, don't eat anything before your surgery"...silence...
"OK, how long...", I responded
"Oh, have you eaten anything now?", her response
"I wanted to eat dinner" I responded
"Oh, well you probably shouldn't eat a heavy meal, probably mostly liquids until midnight and nothing after then..." her response.
At this point I'm not too happy, my anxiety shoots up the roof...What kind of place is this? I'm not even going to a hospital for surgery...So I fought with myself that night in cancelling the surgery and seeking another surgeon. But decided well, it has to come out anyway, if the dude smells like alcohol when I see him before surgery I'm outta there. He didn't but was really rude to my sister when she asked him some questions...
she asked him, "if you cut open and expose the cancer...can it spread faster throughout the body?"
Dr. Peckler responded with a GAWF, "you people with your internet, THAT"S an old wives tale, if cancer reacted that way there would be NO survivors."
Yeah I should have walked out from there. But they already IV'ed me up and put a seditive in so...
Before the conversation I waited a LONG time. All the other patients were talking to thier doctors and the nurses scurried around and realized I hadn't been talked to so they surrounded me and talked to me while I waited for my doctor to see me before the surgery. In the meantime the nurses thought I was there for a needle biopsy not to remove the tumor. I was confused and I kept correcting them and they intern kept correcting me...
They told me Well, you'll be awake for this proceedure...Secretly I was excited to be awake...I wanted to see everything, I wanted to see this tumor, I wanted to actually save it and name it, yeah I know I'm weird. The anasesiologist assured me I would be awake throughout the proceedure even after Dr. Peckler finally came in and talked to me and confirming he was actually cutting the tumor out.
The time came where they wheeled me into the surgery room...I was nervous then. I couldn't believe it. the anastesiologist and the nurses preping me hurried around and then they started pushing in the drug. As this drug was coursing through my body is when the
Anasesiologist said..."Oh, by the way, we're knocking you out. You should feel, wah wah whu wah wah wah wah....do you?"
All I could do was nod. I couldn't protest.
When I awoke I was alone. Nurse finally came by and said all went well...and the first thing I asked was how long had I been out?
"Not long" she said, "Just 45 mins"
Ok, try 2 hours...I didnt get home until late afternoon I had been there since 8 am went into surgery at 11 and when I woke up it was 1:30...HOW is that 45 mins?
They gave me no instruction on what I had, what incisions I had. How to take care of my wound...they didn't tell my sister either...The next two weeks with my family freaking out, school is on my mind, and trying to find another doctor, the wound was not a good thing for me to also have on my mind.
I had thousands of questions like how do I know it's not infected, don't I need antibiotics? what happens if I pull the bandaid off (YES, it was a bandaid). How do I bath? Can I bath? Where do I go if something goes wrong?!
In the mean time, dad freaking out and yelling at my doctor so, don't really feel comfortable in talking to him again...my sisters are all hysterical...my step mom is trying to be helpful but, is adding to confusion. So, I locked myself in my room.
My best friend Mike and my Younger sister Caryn talked alot to me. Mike did alot of the research for me and told me my cancer isn't so bad. NOT that it;s something you should ignore but it's not really the worse kind to have. So with that news my little sister talked to him and it calmed her down where she helped calm my dad down.
NOW the task of finding a new doctor...NEW NIGHTMARE

Monday, December 10, 2007 10:40am

2008-05-02T15:14:00.000-07:00

New Treatment Current mood: blah
Finding a new doctor was difficult. Mainly because I was still healing and because my dad alienated my doctors (yes pural doctors) they didn't want to treat me. I quite frankly didn't want to go see them either, because a) I was not happy how they treated my dad, b) not happy how they treated me, and c) I was a little embarrased. So I had this open wound, and had no idea how to care for it. scared and freaked out while I was in limbo. There was talk about going to the emergency room because there was pain, my boob was getting swollen, on set that it didn't help that my step mother is hysterical sometimes on the littlest things. So every so often she would plant in my brain that there was something wrong.
In the mean time my little sister, who has been a wonderful supporter, had been searching for a new doctor and found Cancer Treatments of America. I was fairly reluctant and very depressed at this point. I really was resolved in just letting it all go and dying. Tired, fustrated, annoyed, and stressed out with the fighting, confusion, and irritation I just felt like giving up.
Caryn, my sister and my best friend in the whole wide world Mike, pushed me to keep going. Not to give up and my situation wasn't so bad, NOT ideal but not bad. Reluctantly I agreed to see other doctors.
Talking to Cancer Treatments of America was horrifying at first. I had always been trained to hear upbeat and extremely friendly people as someone to watch out for. Seriously, the way they were talking to me I felt I was being sold a car, not only a car but a lemon. I was really reluctant but, as I said, I had given up at this point...only real thing on my mind was school and how I was going to finish it...I know stupid.
With everything lingering with my life and feeling so depressed to the point where I wanted to die, I was thinking of school...I guess it was my personal driving force to continue...I'm not sure.
Anyway, Joe, my family's first contact to CTOA, made an effort to ease my fears. He kept asking me how I was doing, how the stress had been going for me, if there was anything he could do for me...I appreciated his sentiment but, seriously, he didn't know me so how could a perfect stranger be genuinely concerned for my well being? So, because my family was so animant about me going to this group I just didn't want to fight anyone any more at this point so I agreed...basically telling them just make it happen and I'll show up.
Well, it wasn't that easy to just show up...CTOA needed all my medical records before I would be seen by anyone. it was kinda odd but they literally wanted EVERYTHING. It was fustrating but, I guess it was necessary. They gave the option to do it for me with a release form I had to sign but, it would take much longer.
Oh, backing up again,
My previous doctors informed me that I HAD to get the second surgery done right away. So within a week of my previous surgery, they had scheduled another surgery without my promision. At the same time my dad was arguing with them...YEAH, I wasn't going to go but was shocked when they called me the morning of the surgery inquiring if I was on my way or not.
My previous doctors stressed the importance of the second surgery because of some variance between the healthy cells and the malignant cells. They wanted me to go into radiation treatment soon after that and something about my lymph nodes...Had to do it or the cancer will spread super fast...This was the information I recieved when I found out about the tumor being cancerous. Dr. Peckler's office sent me to my primary doctor's office where the entire office treated me like I had the plague...my primary physician had conversations with Dr. Peckler and she didn't give me much more information. I'd ask her about treatment...she didn't know. I asked her about the cancer, she didn't know. pretty much anything I asked her, she didn't know...
ok Back to the story,
Much longer?! how much longer...the cancer is spreading (in my mind) If it spreads how am I going to finish school?! (yeah I know dumb, I think I was still in denial or something) So, I opted to get my records and have the Dr. Peckler send the records over...that meant contact with the office I didn't want to have contact with...SIGH, ok
I called them on a Friday, the week before Thanksgiving for the records. Pam, the receptionist for Dr. Peckler's office, asked me did I know what my father said to her and to Dr. Peckler...I didn't say anything but, I have a urgent matter I need to have my records sent to this fax number...Pam said she would prepare the paperwork and fax it over to my new doctor on Monday. (I'm purposely excerpting the majority of the conversation, it's not needed, we'll just leave it as a bad experience)
By Monday, Joe called me informing me they had only record they received was a letter from Dr. Peckler. Joe informed me the letter was a conversation between my dad and Dr. Peckler. NOTHING ELSE CAME THROUGH although the fax cover indicated 7 more pages. SO, I called Dr. Peckler's office and politely asked if I can just pick up my medical records. I had asked them please have specific records in the copy...they agreed but told me it would take them 3 HOURS to complete. I had class, I was exhausted, I was stressed. I went to the office to pick up the file...LOW and BEHOLD, the file wasn't complete, nor was the letter Dr. Peckler had written to my new doctor. All they gave me was 6 pages. None of which were relivant or what I already had. Either have have a horrific copy machine that copies 2 pages an hour or they're just delaying things for me...
So, I contacted Joe again, and informed him I wasn't able to obtain what he requested, I also contacted my older sister Anne about what was happening. My sister, Anne, called Dr. PECKER and said something to him (Shhh, she's an attorney, she doesn't like it when I tell people that). The very next day...Joe got all the records he had requested...WELL, isn't that interesting?!
over Thanksgiving diner I found out my sister accidentally called him Dr. Pecker. She honestly thought it was Pecker. We all had a good laugh when she was done recounting her conversation with the office...She kept saying Pecker and Caryn and I kinda snickered...Then when she was done speaking I said without interuption, his name is PECKLER, there is an L. She turned white and then said OH MY GOD, why didn't anyone tell me?!?! a ROAR of laughter came from the table. My step mother giggled (she not american) asked what is a Pecker?
Anne, Caryn and I snickered and said (this is how I know we're related) at the same time "ask dad."
Dad had a loud roar of laughter and said "No No No, I'm not telling her..."
She insisted and he said "I'll tell you later"
She insisted, with our guests seated around us, my sisters and I looked at my dad and KNEW he was about to tell her without warning up so all three of us turned our heads, covered our ears, and sang LALALA LA LALA until he was done telling her...She bursted out with a laughter that I'm sure our neighbors heard.
The next day I had gotten a phone call from Joe to inform me he had gotten the remander of my records but it was still incomplete. HOWEVER, it was due to the fact that all the tests were not back yet but he wanted to know if I wanted to schedule to see the doctors anyway...OF COURSE...
Cancer Treatments of America is a HUGE facility where people from across the country come to seek treatment here. when I went to my appointment I had no idea how long it would take. My appointment was scheduled for 11 am so I thought, I'd be out by 12 maybe 1 pm so I thought I have time to go to class...YES I KNOW...
I didn't get out of there until 8 pm. They poked, proded, asked every 5 mins how I was doing...the entire staff was FAR too happy...I felt like they were all cheerleaders in medical clothing. It was really creepy. And they were FAR too happy to see me, and then I found out why. Most of the patients there were deadly ill, fair worse off than I was. They didn't keep thier patients in the greeting area, but this is something I saw later, much later. Anyway, I wanted to run after just 5 minutes, I stuck it out cause my sister wanted me to stay. I normally would have felt lost in a place like this but, they made sure we knew where we were going for the most part. The enterance was magnificent. You don't get the sense of a hospital here at all. It felt more of a hotel or a resort than a hotel...that hospital smell of disinfectant, death, or sanitation wasn't there...there were plants, nice smells, and life in it's stead.
I met my nurses, my doctor, and got poked, proded, and asked thousands of questions. ALL took thier time explaining everything to me. Taking care to make sure I understood what was going on with my cancer, with what I had, how serious and how not serious it was making sure I understood I have options for treatment. Dr. Citrin, a WONDERFUL doctor, asked me questions of cancers in my history...I have been quiet healthy with very little non related cancers in my family history. Since I answered no to many of his questions...he said, well, you're of no interest to me...and laughed...He examined me again where he found another lump that didn't seem consistant to the surgery and said WELL, there is another lump but, since we're going to go back in there it's probably not that big a deal...
This is where he explained the treatment he recommended. Surgery, radiation, 5 months of Chemotherapy. Because the tumor was large enough, and the previous surgeon only removed 0>.01 mm of healthy tissue, he is 98% sure I will be going to get chemotherapy. Caryn started crying...then he asked...you have any other questions in regards to the treatment I am recommending?
I asked, what about school (YES I KNOW). That's when he had a grim look on his face...Well, I don't know...
Caryn responded, "If you're dead, you can't learn"
Dr. Citrin sorta nodded, and said well, ask your teachers or your advisor what you might be able to do...
I had SOOO many plans for this comming semester, and I'm SOOO crazy close to graduating, my world started to crumble. Tears started to form in my eyes
Seeing this Dr. Citrin quickly said "talk to a female advisor, perhaps she could help you out in this situation, Maybe the semester wouldn't be completely lost. But, you really shouldn't be going back to school this comming semester."
I was devasted.
Dr. Citrin added "don't worry too much, the key right now is try not to be too stressed. This is 100% treatable...but, if you don't follow the course and don't remain positive it can be fatale. So work on getting better now."
I guess that's when it hit me. That's when I realized how cancer is going to effect my life, how it is effecting my life. It's disrupted my life, my goals, my dreams. I HAVE to put my life on hold...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 10:05 pm

2008-05-02T15:13:00.002-07:00

re: School Current mood: scared Category: Life
Well, problems with school have resolved. Clerical error on Dr. H's part in calculating my estimated grade cause him to belive I was going to have a problem with the final. I guess he thought I was doing far worse than he anticipated...he wrote me today letting me know I'm good to go with an "I". I have until the end of the Spring session to complete the final and finish up the last two assignments...I'm hoping I will be well enough by april to take the last 4 weeks of History of and take thier exam. Dr. H said he didn't think it would be a problem for me to sit on the last 4 weeks of classes.
I have two papers and one exam left for my other classes and then I'll be done...I hoping I'll be all caught up by next week but if I'm not able to make it to that point that I will recieve an "I" for the other two classes. I'm going to try to get as much done as possible before I start Chemo...
I've been feeling really sick lately so it's hard for me to accomplish this since I'm constantly needing to lay down. I'm not sure what thier giving me but, it's some homopathic remedy to get my immune system up, some other stuff to help me heal fast after surgery, and one more thing to help me not get radiation poisoning. This is all supposed to help me heal faster and get me to feel alright before, during, and after chemo...but it's making me noticibly more tired, I feel sick all the time, and I'm losing my appetite...I suppose I should ask if this is normal...there is very specific things I'm supposed to do when I take these meds like not have sugar, which I've been avoiding like the plague anyway and eating certain other foods...With everything going around it's hard to keep things straight.
Just a short Blog until next time...lots of homework and I need to lay down again. I have another Dr's appointment tomorrow/this morning and MY SISTER isn't comming with me...
I'm suprizingly scared about tomorrow, I don't know why...
PLEASE if you are reading this let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me.

Saturday, December 15, 2007 7:57pm

2008-05-02T15:13:00.001-07:00

Posts Current mood: lethargic
I'm very sorry I haven't written anything for a few days now...I've been going to Dr appointments, getting treatments (nothing crazy just preparing my body for the next 6 months), trying to complete my finals (just the exam portions), and setting up my new schedule for next semester.
I'll write more soon...And thanks for everyone's concern for me...SMILES

Monday, December 17, 2007 10:27 pm

2008-05-01T14:26:00.000-07:00

Blogging Current mood: depressed
Been kinda depressed lately so, I haven't been able to really do anything...Not really motivated to write in my blogg and not really motivated to do the homework/final and papers I've been promising myself to do last week.
Medications have worn me down. I keep feeding myself but, losing my appetite. so I'm sorta forcing myself to eat. Nausea is setting in. I haven't had Chemo yet but I go into surgery on the 7th of January and shortly after that I'll have Chemo...I still have a 2% chance of not having Chemo...So I guess that's something bright to look forward to.
The surgery is going to be fun. While I'm under the pathologist will be injecting my nipple with a radition dye where it will travel to my lump nodes. As this dye works into my body I'm going to have more of the tissue where they removed the lump. After they remove the lump Dr. Ray, a fabulous person, is going to call the pathologist again where they will be doing an on the spot testing of the cell (hold your breaths ladies and gentlemen) but this is where it is determined if I have to take Chemo. If there are signs of the cancer in the tissue, they will remove more and I will have to go to Chemo.
Step two...I'm still under mind you. the dye will make it's appearance soon in my lymph nodes. They will remove the sential nodes to check and see if the cancer spread into the lymph nodes. The sential nodes are the nodes that drain the breast and are the first of 30 nodes in that area. NOW, if there is cancer in those nodes, EVEN THOUGH there is no cancer in the tissue they just removed I will go through Chemo.
So what they are going to do when they remove the nodes...they will do a cross section while I'm still under. If there are any cancer cells they will remove the up to 7 more cells and check all those cells for cancer. If they do not see cancer, at a later time they will dissect the node at a later time. WHERE, Dr. Ray told me as long as I remind him he will take me to watch the dissection...WAHOO!! I got excited about that. I think he said it to cheer me up...After the dissection if there are any signs of cancer they will send me to surgery to remove more nodes...but its unlikely there will be anymore if they didn't catch it in the initial inspection. I won't know if they removed more nodes until I wake up and see drainage tubes...That's when I'll know the cancer spread to my nodes or not...

Thursday, December 20, 2007 10:02am

2008-05-01T14:25:00.000-07:00

Thoughts Category: Blogging
So I can't help but to think that I understand why some people enjoy being sick. There is a certain amount of attention one gets while their sick. While I can understand this attention I can't seem to think how embarrassing it is for me.
I see people's eyes when they first hear about your breast cancer...it's more of OH you poor dear. Some reactions is I need to be nice because they see it as a death sentence. It's such a struggle to keep things happy for the most part and to give a happy face to it all. My friend Kevin tells me I should just become an asshole cause it seems that bad things always happen to really good people and since I'm the nicest person he knows I should just start kicking kittens...LOL. There has been so many people who have helped me through these times and I feel horrible to ask for help. But, I guess it's humbling for me to ask...I'm still struggling with the notion that I have limitations I need to not do so much. My life has turned upside down in so many ways. Everything that I have struggled with in my life such as my weight...I have learnt to eat a certain way, excersize, and generally be more active. My diet has changed. Everything I once held true to my diet has sorta gone away. SUCH AS, ALL soy products I'm not allowed to touch...YOU know how difficult that is for an Asian person?!? Drinking organic milk is something I have to drink now...I stop drinking milk almost 5 years ago. Eating a high caloric diet is hard...everything I've steered away from because I wanted to lose weight I now have to start eating. Aside from Beef and sugars...sure take the fun out of it completely...
So I get my first models in today for my project. It's only a test run and some ideas of how I want to pursue this...THANKS Kleo for the tips...you're awesome!! can't wait til I see the results!
Well, that's it for now...Will write more later

Wednesday, January 02, 2008 9:06 am

2008-05-01T14:24:00.000-07:00

Back
Well I have come back from my vacation with my family a few days ago...I caught this horrible cold. My doctors have pushed back my surgery and treatment to January 7th so that I could have fun on my trip and to recoop from it.
I am actually really scared going into surgery the second time. I'm remembering the last time and what a horrible experience that was. I know CTOA is a much better place that seems to be competent. I'm just worried about the length of time it took for me to recoop from the last stint. I'm a little angry at the first set of doctors because they grossly made mistakes with my first surgery which I think has caused me some unexplained pain my breast. Hopefully the second surgery will correct this problem. Had the first surgeon did the right thing I would most likely never had to do the second surgery but, he didn't. I didn't know better and I was pressured into getting the procedure done right away.
Because of the first surgery the cancer might have spread and now they have to take a bigger chunk out of me. There isn't enough good things I can say about Cancer treatments of America. They truely are a good place to go when you have cancer. Anyway I'm not looking forward to the next few weeks...Can't say I'm thrilled I'm rather frightened to be truthful.

Thursday, January 3, 2008 11:12 am

2008-05-01T14:23:00.000-07:00

Bills and Bills, and MORE BILLS Well, it's funny how sickness brings in medical bills like nothing...it's kinda scary really. I guess when it rains it pours...even if your medical insurance is supposed to be the best, being sick is expensive...PHEW!

Friday, January 04, 2008

2008-05-01T14:22:00.000-07:00

Surgery change Current mood: amused Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Well, I went to my doctor appointment today. Once again it was an all day event. Starting at 9 am and ending my day at 4 pm with tests being scheduled for Monday at 9 am again. I suppose it is to be expected right befor surgery they have to be sure that I'm ok.
My surgery was scheduled for Monday January 7th at 5 am but, it's not going to happen since I have a terrible cold. I actually have a lung infection. So on antibiotics and cold medicine I'm feeling better but they aren't going to take any chances. So January 22nd is my new scheduled surgery time.
Today's appointment yielded something new...they took not one but TWO ekg's on me and found some problems. SO, I'm running through some test for my heart now. MAN when it rains it really pours eh?! Their concerned that I had chest pains and tightness on my chest area over break along side of the black out that I had a year ago after some rigorous work out. So their going to push the surgery back two weeks for my heart and for the lung infection. WHICH I get to go to school on Monday and straighten out some things with school and other projects I need to deal with.
I met with the cardiologist today Dr. Saboth (kind of a cool name) and he gave me yet another physical, I AM SO SICK of being poked and prodded in the bad way, asked me lots of questions about what was going on. He smiled and said..."well with your physical condition of being healthy, young, and no family history of heart disease, I am and you shouldn't be worried about having a heart condition..."
OK, I had to laugh...with the puzzled look on his face he asked "What's so funny?"
I told him, "well, that's exactly what they said about my cancer before I knew it was cancer..."
He smirked almost laughed too then realized the gravity of what I just said...I still thought it was funny and continued to laugh...then he said..." well I'm serious, you shouldn't have anything to worry about..."
My reply was, "so were they (the other doctors)..."
I think he was trying to reassure me but realized he wasn't really doing a good job at and I shouldn't have continued as I did, he's a really nice person just more bad news I have to find levity where I can find it. I'll probably apologize to him on Monday when I see him.
I was disappointed that treatment is pushed back another two weeks. It really sucks, I just want to get this over with but, I understand it's better to be safe than to be sorry. The sooner I get the surgery the sooner I get the Chemo, and the sooner I can start healing which means the sooner I can get back to my normal self again.
I noticed today that my memory has faded quite a bit. My old self I would not have a problem bumping into someone and instantly recognizing that person. I may not remember their name but I'd remember their face at the bear minimum. As Caryn and I were waiting for the Doctor today this woman came up to me and started talking to me. My sister recognized her instantly, Caryn has a bad memory. I had NO idea who she was, where we had met. Obviously she was a patient and we met in the hospital but I had not recollection of the encounter. KINDA freaked me out.
She was there to get her 3rd cycle of Chemo and she was shocked that I hadn't even received one dosage yet. Which is probably a good thing if their not rushing my treatment. I guess it just means though my condition is serious...it's not life threaten. We chatted for a bit and then she had to go for her appointment. We waited to see my Dr and then went to visit her again. It still disturbed me that even after the visit I still had no idea who she was or where we had met. She gave me invaluable information about what to expect during Chemo. Making sure I understand that I NEED to bitch if I feel discomfort because most likely they can fix the problem. Chemo isn't so bad not like when my mother went through it. By the time we ended our visit I finally remembered who she was. OTG! I was so relieved I finally remember. I would have visited her regardless...She was a really nice lady and plus people need to talk to people who aren't their care takers and aren't in the STAFF...

Monday, January 07, 2008 10:18 am

2008-05-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

So I saw a UM, person who does tests on hearts today...not a doctor. I got to see my heart pump blood. It was pretty cool. I'm planning of going to school tonight Feel kinda weird about going to school again since I hadn't finished last semester yet...Keep promising myself to finish this week and then something new happens...

Monday, January 14, 2008 7:42 am

2008-05-01T14:19:00.000-07:00

First day of school Current mood: blissful
Well, it was the first day of school and I'm taking a new teacher I've not had before. He seems very nice and I am looking forward to this class. I had an opportunity to see my friends and I'm so happy to have seen them. I've sorta been in recluse from most of my friends from school and it's been bad but, I've been so busy with everything it's very hard for me to make time.
It's so interesting to hear other people's stories when they just find out about your cancer for the first time. their empathy, kindness, and their stories of cancer. I am really looking forward in seeing Dr. Kilzer for tomorrow's class. I thought his class would have been on Monday but it was actually on Wednesday which thus far most of my treatments, surgeries, and appointments fall around his class which is a good thing...I'm psyched about his class and I think I'm motivated enough that I will complete last semester some time this week and next.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

2008-05-01T14:18:00.000-07:00

Public Aid Current mood: content Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
Well for some reason ALL financial determination all came into junction yesterday. My student aid, public aid, and social security. I struggled with Financial Aid on the phone, got a rejection letter from SSI, and pulling together the paperwork needed for Public Aide.
I'm applying for public aide because I have to cut down on school and as a result have lost some funding...it's kinda sad but, I gotta do what I have to do to survive. My friend Bill, who is a chicago det, had to convince me last month to apply. He sorta gave me the riot act on how silly it would be for me NOT to partake in the system. He basically told me if anyone needs the assistance it would be me, I should do him a favor and take some of the money he's put into the system, since he's probably never going to see a dime of it. Hehehe, I still wasn't convinced...damn my pride. I talked to my dad and he pretty much said the same thing as my friend Bill and nudged me to go into that direction. Anything to help out with my medical bills would help out the situation I'm in. Medical bills are mounting and I feel horrible for me to ask my dad for money. This is the time of my life I should be taking care of him and instead he's taking care of me. I am sure he doesn't mind...but I mind.
So, I went to my appointment to public aid and I went to SS office to contest my denial. Everyone there told me about 90% of the people are denied the first go around. So, don't be too discouraged just appeal it...I wasn't too shocked when the people in the office told me that, what I was surprised was that the people in the office was encouraging me to appeal it. They gave me a list of attorneys to help me with my appeal. And though they don't charge for the fight they take a percentage of my SS. A balancing act for me. I am certain I won't be getting too much from SSI but something is better than nothing.
Public Aid was interesting. I have to admit I was scared at first when I went into the office. It's not really a fun place to attend but you end up staying there for hours. I worry because I can't really make too many trips to this office in fear of getting sick. I really can't afford getting sick at this point. My surgery had been pushed back twice already and it makes me nervous to think there might be some cancer still in my body. I do feel another lump that makes me nervous...my doctors won't confirm or deny if their nervous about the same thing so, I'm just going to sit back and wait for the next pathology report. Anyway, I might not have to deal with going back, interviews can be conducted over the phone so I think I'll be ok...But we'll see.

Saturday, January 19, 2008 8:30 am

2008-05-01T14:15:00.000-07:00

Weekend before my surgery
Well I am getting to that point again where I'm going under the knife...SIGH. This time around isn't so easy as the first time. The first time I had the ignorance of thinking that I was going to be awake for the procedure and then knocked out AS they were telling me obtw we're knocking out out...
I guess I'm not comfortable being knocked out against my will but Jan has told me to look at it another way...think of it as being willingly knocked out. Something that's good for me and not a negative thing...SO, I'm working on thinking this way. Not been easy...I've also been avoiding cutting my hair...I still have a two percent chance of not having to go to Chemo and by Tuesday afternoon I'll find out for sure...If I don't go into Chemo I won't cut my hair but if I do I won't have too much time to get used to short hair to know hair before I lose my hair...guess I'll get used to it because I have no choice...

January 26, 2008 4:00pm

2008-05-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Just got home Current mood: exhausted Well, I just got home from surgery; I had no time to blog before I left for surgery because of something my rotten soon to be ex husband of mine did. Apparently he contacted the hospital personally to request my medical records. THEN, when they refused, he contacted the health insurance folks a purposely changed my birthday so that when they tried to bill the insurance the day before surgery, they couldn't. So The day before surgery, I'm supposed to remain calm, deal with other things that I should be focusing on like my breathing exercises, meditating, etc instead I'm on the phone talking to the insurance, my attorney, trying to get a hold of my soon to be ex husband. The hospital called to let me know what was going on, and told me if I didn't get the insurance resolved by that day I'd have to be considered a cash patient...and that would mean I would have to come up with $126,000. I wasn't a happy camper. When I got that news I called a left a message to my Ex and told him look if you don't call me back today and tell me what you did with the insurance, BY LAW, because you are responsible for our insurance until we're divorced, you're going to be responsible for this $126,000...you know how fast he called his attorney and me back? within the hour. He wasn't calling his attorney or me back...he had admitted he changed the insurance info on the phone of course so it's one of those he said she said scenarios...RAT BASTARD!!
Anyway, I was only supposed to stay in the hospital for one night and then go home. It was only supposed to be a partial lumpectomy and it turned into something more. The cancer had spread. Dr. Ray ended up removing more tissue than he had anticipated and removed more lymph nodes than he had anticipated. my lumpectomy turned into a mastectomy so they removed half my breast. Being an awesome doctor that he is he did reconstructive surgery on the same surgery so I wouldn't have to go through another surgery on a later date. My surgery was only supposed to last 2 hours and it last 4 1/2 hours. I already knew the news when I woke up simply by looking down and seeing the drainage tube.
Dr. Ray told me long before the surgery that he would not know if he had to remove more nodes until after he got in there...and the way I would find out is when I woke up I would see a drainage tube. I was alone when I saw it...I gotta admit I was a little devasted. When I woke up I felt this enormous pain on my side I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't tell them I'm in PAIN. I lay there for what seemed an hour wreathing in pain and couldn't tell anyone. I heard Dr. Ray's voice and I heard him talking to someone about me, my procedure, and some other things I can't remember...I don't have a clue who he was talking to I was really hoping it wasn't my dad he was talking to that's what I was thinking at the time.
I was pretty out of it when I got out of surgery, Caryn was the first familiar face I saw when I first woke up. It was really comforting to have her there...I knew she wouldn't have left me but, it was nice to have her there and be reassured she was there. Even though they had a continuous morphine pump going into me the pain just wouldn't go away. They told me I can get extra relief by pressing an extra button. I shouldn't worry about OD'ing cause the release was only every 10mins. It was important that I press the button EVERY single time I was in pain just to let the staff know I was in pain and to increase the pain medication. I guess I kept pressing the button ALOT the first 4 hours. Cause they finally commented on it. Oh are you having that much pain? you should say something and we'll increase the pain medication. I opt'ed not to have an increase. But, they said the numbness and the lack of pain helps promote faster healing...I still didn't want more pain meds. Dr. Ray had also put a cathader in me...I didn't realize that until after I had gotten into my room and shifted...OH, what an interesting sensation... Caryn asked me to pee so she could see the liquid go into the back...I told her I was trying cause I really needed to go but for some reason I couldn't. I found out later that it just automatically takes my urine out so no effort for me to urinate.
Caryn left about 8 pm...I didn't want her to leave but, I didn't want her to stay either cause I didn't want her to be afraid driving home alone in the dark... So, she left. Before she left I confessed to her I was afraid for the first time since I found out about the cancer. NOT that I'm afraid of dying but, because I'm afraid of being a burden to everyone. She scolded me and said how could I ever think I was a burden to anyone? She told me it must be the drugs talking. She pointed out the HOT nurse that was taking care of me and said focus on him for a while...LOL - gotta say, it worked! She held my had a little longer after that and she went home.
I had the room to myself that night. Still rather hungry since I still hadn't eaten but I think it was out of habit rather than need to eat. The IV dripping and coursing through my veins. pain coming in and out. Drifting in and out of consciences. AND this incredible itch over the entire length of my body started happening. couldn't stop scratching but, mentally I thought OK, I gotta stop otherwise I'll break the skin and cause an infection. SO, in-between consciousness and being woken up every hour to get my vitals done, I picked up my camera and started taking pictures. Oddly enough it help me and comforted me. Jan called me that night to find out what happened and how I was doing. He was upset with the news but was happy to hear the plan.
After a night of slipping in and out of consciousness’ the next day came. the morning I was still slipping in and out of conscienceousness until about 10 am when I finally woke up. Caryn had brought Dennis and Clayton to visit me this morning. SO happy to see them all. at the same time they came to see me I got a new roommate...at the time I was thinking oh someone to talk to when they leave. I wish I was more awake when they came but, I kept drifting. I picked out a new wig while Caryn was there it's kinda fun. I had thought I would pick something shorter and in a purple BUT, a dark Red to Red with a medium length is something I picked out...Should have gone with something shorter. We'll see once I get my hair cut.
I’ve decided to so something fun with my current hair since I'm going to lose it all. I'm going to get a pixie cut and dye it red...I think I want to do this so that when I lose my hair it won't feel like I'm losing my own hair.
During their visit Clayton mentioned CTCA didn't seem like a hospital and he was happy I wasn't in a hospital environment. It's a beautiful facility and nice and friendly people around me. That was good and I thought the same. Dennis and Caryn both learnt how to care for me after I returned home from the hospital. They left me for a little bit so I could sleep some and then came back for a short visit where I got tired again quickly. They asked if I was coming home that day and Nurse Tammy said probably not, she's got a long way to go before that happens...OK, getting tired so I'll be going to sleep again...write more soon...

Friday, January 25, 2008 2:34pm

2008-05-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

Continue of my surgery Current mood: cold

I had pressed everyone what happened, I generally knew but, I wanted to know what Dr. Ray told everyone. Apparently he said basically what he told everyone else cancer spread to half my boob and through my lymph nodes...He'll know the extent of the cancer on Monday when he gets the pathology report. Someone told me that I he got all of it out and then my dad told me Dr. Ray tried to get all of it out so who really knows. I'm probably going to go with tried to get all of it out...no one is perfect so I can't expect him to be.
For the most part everyone in the hospital was super nice and professional about my stay and I had a FINE experience of stay. with the exception of one nurse...She wasn't pleasant at all...She's the one who starved me blaming me for not letting her know that I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything for 36 hours I'm doped up on morphine I had asked one of the PCT (patient Care Technicians) when I could eat and some how I'm supposed to know serendipitously to ask THIS particular nurse to feed me...Shrug...My sister couldn't watch me suffer anymore so she went down and got me some JELLO, the best JELLO I have EVER tasted in my life...She also got me some sugar free ice cream OH MY it was delicious.
My diner finally arrived and I had some mash potatoes and green beans...they were good but not as good as the JELLO or ice cream...I got myself sick cause I was so hungry I ate too fast. Nurse Tammy asked me how my first meal went and I said good but I struggled to keep it down...I giggled and said WELL, I was so hungry I got myself sick by eating too fast. She had a sigh of relief on her face and giggled with me.
Anyway everyone was so nice and they made sure I understood HOW to care for myself before I left the hospital. They first made me stand, then go pee, then walk. That was the first day. I'm thinking this was Wednesday morning...amongst the confusion of trying to focus during my morphine high, I had gotten a new room mate. When things settled down and we were alone I made the first move to say hello to her,
"HELLLO" with my friendliest voice, with NO response..."Hello there new neighbor"
"Hmmm? what? OH hello", her response
"isn't it funny we both are in the same room and both our names are Barbara?" I commented...
"YEAH, you think they would be smart enough NOT to put two people in the same room with the same name..." she remarked.
SILENCE
"SO, what are you in here for?" I asked
"I am here for reconstructive surgery, I'm just finished up with breast cancer" she answered"Oh, well I have Breast cancer too..."
"Humph, well good luck with that..." she responded snily...
Ok, not going to be talking to her anymore...the next 24 hours all I heard was her complaining to the staff, they didn't get my order right, can't they be more competent, on and on on how she didn't want to be there with the acceptation of when her husband called...OH MY GOD she was SOOO ridiculously sweet on the phone...Oh hello huny, everything is wonderful sweetheart, I love you too...Blah blah blah blah blah. It was so sicking how she was talking to him I wanted to throw up. and then miss Bitch showed up as soon as one of the staff members arrived.
I commented her attitude to the staff member and they sort of rolled their eyes up and said well, some people handle their cancers differently...and that's the standard answer I got from everyone. Must be something their told to say when referring to an especially difficult case.
So at night I had time to walk with my favorite eye candy, Chris where we got to know one another with our chatting, he seemed pleasant to talk to and seemed to enjoy my company. Wednesday night I sat in bed drifting in and out of sleep waking when I heard my roommate get a phone call, I think the staff was generally avoiding our room, when dinner arrived, I'd get a phone call or something happened to wake me. When I was lucid I read my books. I did my homework and I took some photos. It was my last night at the hospital and so it was the last time I was going to talk to Chris in this environment...don't get my wrong my stay was really really nice BUT, I hope I NEVER have to stay there again, I mean of course if I had to go through surgery again, I wouldn't mind but generally I hope I never have to do this again.
So I talked Chris into partake in my project and got him to take some pictures with me...he graciously accepted and so we sat and some fun joking around and took some pictures...he sadly turned and said good night to me cause his shift had ended. I would have liked him to sit and visit longer but he had other obligations to attend to...after he had left they took my saline out. Only thing I was hooked up to was the drainage tube to the suction.
The Next morning I woke up to that lady bitch about something and 3 or 4 staff members were trying to calm her down...and I noticed my breakfast was there so I sat up and ignored the commotion and had my breakfast. I remembered Tammy telling me I could have a shower this morning...I WAS SOOO EXCITED!!...OH MY GOODNESS. It was so nice. I stood up on my own met my second Favorite PCT, her name was Jessica...NOT so much the eye candy as Chris but an attractive person none the less. Where she helped me get undressed and to the shower...that's when I first saw the area...Not really a pretty sight...the first thing I thought when I saw it was raggedy Anne. It was blue and green and purple with red all over with stitching that held me together. The second thing I thought was man I look like I was becoming a borg...with that tube hanging out. I took some pictures of the area, jumped into the shower and had a GOOD wash. trying to avoid my owie at this point. Caryn called me to see how I was doing and I was ok, I told her I might spend another night here. She said well find out and I'll come and get you if you're discharged. I fulfilled all the requirements for discharged by practicing EVERYTHING I needed to do to care for myself enough times so they were sure I can do it alone. Took a shower, able to walk on my own 4 times around the nurse's stations, get in and out of bed on my own. so they discharged me but I didn't get to leave until 8 pm. Caryn got out of work at 6 and it took her 2 hours to get to Zion. The journey home was terrible though. I didn't think to get a booster of pain medication before I left and the last time I took anything was 2-3 hours earlier. The trip was really bumpy and we didn't have the prescription filled. It took us an hour to get home so by the time I got home I was in sooo much pain. Any movement I had I screamed. Caryn ran out of the house to get some pain killers and the pharmacist wasn't going to give it to her...Caryn begged...Look, I have a very sick person at home with ALOT of pain PLEASE fill this prescription tonight, right now. So the pharmacist filled the prescription. When Caryn got home she had to change my bandage and that's when we noticed the bleeding.
It was 11pm when we called Dr. Ray to whom we were surprised that he answered the call himself. he asked Caryn a series of questions as she's trying to look at what she's seeing he's hearing me yelp in pain. He told her to keep me perfectly still that night and try not to move me at all. Caryn gave me an extra dose of pain killers that knocked me out. The next morning I woke up with very little pain. I took a shower and it bled but not too much. So I wasn't up to taking a drive up to Zion again with all the bumps and pain associated with it all.
Caryn called Dr. Ray's office to tell them I wasn't coming because I was feeling sick. They turned around and said I NEEDED to come in because Dr. Ray was worried about the bleeding. Asked if I had eaten anything or drank anything because they thought perhaps I need to go into surgery again to correct something...OH GOD, I really didn't want to be cut open again. So we rushed out the door and we got to the hospital. His entire staff was in the examining room looking at my wound. Dr. Ray looked and poked and said lets get the ultrasound here and have a look.
They looked and he said well good news is it all looks great and we didn't need that surgery. Bad news is that you're still going to hurt for a bit. BUT it'll get better in time. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep. He asked if I had anymore questions and I said I can't think of one...but NOW I have a hundred questions like why is my pee green? Like what about that rash I have on my chest? When can I see my lymph nodes?! Being drugged up sucks!

January 26, 2008 9:45 pm

2008-05-01T14:10:00.000-07:00

Allergic reaction Current mood: sleepy
So, I've been getting this rash all over my chest and arms for the past 2 days. Since I left the hospital. It looks like an allergic reaction to something and at first I thought it was something I ate that got me all itchy until I took my last pain meds...I suddenly realized I was allergic to one of my pain meds and I should probably call them straight away. SO, I called and they confirmed it was probably one of the pain meds that was causing my discomfort.
SO they gave me a new drug...Unfortunately this drug is supposed to make me even more drowsy than the last one...the last one at lease if I was drowsy I can tapper back a little and function...this one if I'm drowsy, I'm drowsy and that's it. Kinda sucks but, its something I have to deal with now until I either heal or they can find something else...I am guessing I'm going to need to find something else so when I get on Chemo I'll have something for those days I'm in extreme pain.

Saturday, January 26, 2008 9:53pm

2008-05-01T14:05:00.002-07:00

People Current mood: betrayed
My sister, Anne, came to visit me today...it was nice except when she yelled at me for being outside for an hour today. I told her if she didn't stop yelling and bitching at me she'd have to leave with her gifts...I can't handle the stress of her nagging. When she calmed down, which it's not my job to calm her,the visit was quiet pleasant. I showed her my wound, which she thought it was going to be worse than it was. She gave me some things to cheer me up and to brighten my long days in bed. (which by the way, is one of the reasons why I went out today cause I felt up to it) This isn't the reason why I'm writting...
So, I had this incredible experience in Belize where it either makes or breaks friendships. I made alot of good friends there...unfortunatly most of those people are in other states...Saddness. The friends that went with me and other school chums have pretty much abandoned me, which makes me really sad. I think due to two people. Call me paranoid. I can sense these things sometimes but, I have validation on both now. Dr. H is one and I'll say Ms. K for the other. Ms K I have had on my other myspace account for over a year...though we don't speak to one another anymore if she had come down with a horrible diease and found out about it I would have atlease made an effort to contact her to see what I could do to ease her pain. Instead she took me off the second announcement I made about my cancer and after she had taken the pictures I posted of her on myspace. I really dont care if she had taken it, that's why I put it up there so she could take them without the burden of having to ask me.
This is what bothers me, I have recently heard from others, more like confronted by others, she had told people I said things about them behind thier backs. Yes, I have said things about her to other people but these are things I have said to her face too, I've confronted her about the the issues I had with her however, she refuses to take responsiblity for her actions. Now she spreads rumours about me to others so that people are distancing themselves from me. I first heard about the rumours in the last 3 weeks...well about when school started is when I heard these rumours. I've asked these people does she know I'm sick? They have told me yes.I'm sorry but, for the demise of our friendship however, I will not maintain a friendship that is one sided and now malignant to me. Her issue with me was she thought I was lying about something that in which in the grand skeem of things doesn't really matter for one and for two what proof does she have that gave her the right to acuse me of lying?...when I asked her she couldn't answer but, walked away, ruining my last day in Belize. Now she's spreading rumours about me...why now?! Why when I'm sick?
Why would anyone be so cruel to someone when they are already down and possibly dying? It's really hurtful bordering cruel? Maybe bad things always come to those who are nice...Maybe I really need to start kicking Kittens. Why do people believe such non sense? Because she's younger? She's more fun?
I just needed to vent...

Sunday, January 27, 2008

2008-05-01T14:05:00.001-07:00

Grammer is horrible Current mood: embarrassed Category: Blogging I just read my blogs, and I realize I made no sense in some of what I wrote...Completely uncohearent in parts of what I wrote...it's funny but makes sense that the closer I was to surgery the less coherent I was. I've fixed some of it but, I still think it needs alot of work...
Good news is that I understand and remember what I was saying, well, at lease what I was trying to say. Sorry about that folks!

Monday, January 28, 2008

2008-05-01T14:04:00.001-07:00

Hair Cut Current mood: amused
I actually got more than a few cut today...I like it but I really wanted to go shorter. everyone talked me out of it...I've got a month to cut my hair shorter if I want to but leave it alone for now...ok it's short but doable I guess. I like it and it was the sylist who decided for me...I hate figuring things out for myself when it comes to fashion...All I know is I needed to have this done or I'll freak out and be truamatized when my hair does come out.I'm going to have it dyed as well...it's to trick my into realizing it's NOT MY hair that I'm losing....SO SHHHH don't tell me...SMILES.
I've been really grumpy lately, I'm not 100% sure why...yesterday I just wanted people to leave me alone my dad talked to me for a little bit, which is fine and my brother talked to me...I was controling my anger and the face of distain when they talked to me because it's not thier fault as to why I was grumpy. My step mother wouldn't leave me alone asking every 5 minutes if there was anything she could do...I'm not a invulid. She tried to help me with the smallest things like zip up my jacket or walk down the stairs...I can do alot of things just not everything.
I'm going to switch over to another forum...one were people can access my bloggs and my photos better...I like Myspace but not everyone does...So I'm most likly going to change...perhaps journal in both places...But we'll see.
I'm having such a hard time keeping track of things like when I took my meds, how many I took...I've even added a day...all this time I thought today was the 29th...not sure what's wrong with my memory...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

2008-05-01T14:01:00.002-07:00

Passing out
It's interesting how often I just pass out.I had just woken up and taken a show feeling great. I asked Caryn to help me with my bandages half wy through I felt like passing out, I started sweating, BUT I was cold. I had to sit down. Next thing I know I'm out. for no appearent reason, I guess I should stay home...SADNESS

january 29, 3008

2008-05-01T14:01:00.001-07:00

last couple of days Current mood: adored
I've been working on my pictures, editing and writing a description of my new photos. Not the type of editing like altering the physical appearance but grimacing of riding the ones I like and just posting the best ones on my flicker account. I needd to cut down more so I can fit previous months but this has proven to be difficult for me.
Which shows my pain, explains my hospital visit, my emotions. KLEO, has given me some pointers on how to eliminate some but has warned me it's painsteakingly difficult to make the decisions.
Those of you who have myspace account and is added to my friends have an opportunity to see all my pictures un edited. KLEO's Pics are up as well and let me tell you they are fabulous! He did a wonderful job!! I'm so proud of him.
Have a gander of my pictures, have a gander of his. If you are interested in purchasing any of KLEO's pictures please contact him directly. His profile is on myspace page.