Shocked and amazed

I find it interesting to see people staring at me and my bald head...Now that my head is starting to grow back some hair I decided to not wear my bandana anymore...it's a little cold but I just don't feel like having something on my head right now. It absolutely shocks me that when I wore my bandana all the time people would come up to me and ask me if I had cancer...what shocks me even more now is that when I don't wear my bandana is people are either a) shocked that I had/have cancer b) I get more stares. There is a monk who is a student in my school and I wonder if she gets as many stares as I do. Maybe if I wear a garb I won't get as many stares.

I'm not sure why I feel weird about people staring. I was telling Caryn about it the other day and she told me that I should stare back. I can't do it...simply because everytime I turn around thier staring at me again. What about me do people have to stare at me? I've hidden all my scars...I'm not exactly a thin person so other than my bald head I look fairly normal...

I suppose I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. Maybe it's because I don't feel attractive anymore. Feeling bloated, my skin has changed (however, people say my skin looks the same), I feel my eyes have changed, I have more freckles now than from before my treatments. I still get compliments but, its more of you're a strong person...my talents rather than my physical beauty. That's so vain of me I know but, I can't seem to help but notice that.

I suppose it's good for my own humility. On one respect I can't wait for my hair to grow back just so I can have it cut...I know that sounds so bizzar but I have to say I wish I could have more style other than just putting on a new scarf, hat, or other. On the flip side I'm not exactly anxious to have my hair to grow back either simply because it's so much easier to get ready. Showers take a split second from start to finish. It's really cool.