Chemo Brain

Very early this morning I drove my sister, Caryn, and her boyfriend, Clayton to the airport. We got to the area fairly early and saw a McDonalds. Craving an ice coffee I suggested that they get breakfast before thier flight so they wouldn't be hungry during thier flight. As we sat in the car waiting for our food at this subefficent so called fast food resturant, We chatted about how poor the service was. Painfully we finally recieved our coffee...I sat there for a moment, and Caryn asked, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Those people behind us are going to get out of thier cars and beat us with sticks!!"

I looked at her befoggled and said, "we need to get our sandwiches don't we?!"

In unison Caryn and Clayton rang out, "we got our sandwiches LONG before we got our drinks! GO..."

Well needless to say I had absolutly NO recollection of that event. But it must have taken place for the bag was sitting right next to Caryn and yet I absolutely don't have any idea how that bag came across my face to Caryn's side...Even now I don't have any idea how it came about.

"well, that's Chemo Brain for ya..." I remarked to Caryn and Clayton

They both laughed and I snickered, but really it troubled me. As we drew closer to the airport, Caryn recalled when she was proof reading my recent paper how it was a very interesting paper with lots of wonderful parts to it she noticed that I would start a point and then suddenly stop and start another point. OF course that's just me sometimes, I do do that but, she remarked it was worse than normal.

It's so difficult to remember things and then there are things that are so clear in my mind. I notice it in my speech...I'm having a hard time remembering basic words and find myself studdering. I like to believe I'm a intelligent person with a vast vocabulary but, who am I kidding...I believe my vocabulary is, at best, average to slightly higher. It disturbs me that I'm struggling with my vocabulary.

Reading to myself it seems to have little to no effect, well, that I'm aware of. However, reading outloud...has be painfully evident, I struggled with a paragraph class recently. WOW, it was bad...I felt like a 1st Grader reading a high school text book, it was really that painful. Peoples faces, names, conversations, and tasks have been extremely difficult for me to comprehend, remember, or understand at times.

I have also noticed that I'm having difficulty with my moblity. I get odd twitches, numbness, and loss of feeling in my limbs. It's all kinda scary but, I feel that I need to get past these things, the struggle with my physical being. My brain forgets that I can't do certain things, at the very lease shouldn't do things. I physically can tell that I'm weaker.

The fatigue...I never understood that word until recently. When I work out I fear working out infront of people because of the fatigue. I don't want to show my weakness. Before, I was able to push my body to a certain point and I was always able to go a little further with no fear of just collapsing. NOW, I work out a little bit and I'm fear I'm going to collapse, the point of fatigue. I haven't yet but, I feel it will come. I am trying to keep moving and pushing myself to excersize simply because I have to keep my health going but, that fatigue scares me a great deal. This fatigue thing happened so quickly that I'm having a hard time adjusting to the feeling.

I am coming up to my 5th cycle of Chemo and I want to run screaming from it. Every cycle gets worse and worse. Every cycle I feel weaker and weaker. Every cycle I feel more and more pain for longer periods. Every cycle I am TERRIFIED of going back. I don't want to be poked anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be stuck at home anymore. I'm missing out on life...I long to go on another archeaological dig. I long to work. I'm envious to those who are on expeditions, traveling, and living...

I hear people complain about thier lives, thier minor pains, thier injustices...in all reality it's nothing compared to what I'm going through, I hate to be so narcicistic but it's true. in reality I shouldn't even complain about what I'm going through because I know there are some people out there who are struggling harder than what I am going through in regards to thier disease. Having cancer puts you in perspective with certain things. Makes you appreciate things you took for granted.

Don't get me wrong, if God gave me the choice to do this all over again, I most certainly would not do it. But, because I have to go through these times, I am happy to say that I am learning about myself, life, and others within this experience that I most likely would never have learnt before no matter how many books, classes, or influences I partake.

Still wish I were in Belize.