Extreme fatigue is a strange monster. So very tired all the time and no matter how exhausted you are there are times where you just cant sleep. Thus far I've seen a few types of fatigue:
1) Extreme SLEEP
-no real explaination other than no matter what you do you just are tired
-6 cups of coffee and one shot of expresso and you're still knocked out
2) Body Fatigue
-this is the most fustrating of all the fatigues because only you body is tired...your mind, spirit, and will well they want the body to do things and you just can't
-Because I'm on chemo I don't take sleeping pills
-What I do take is benedryl, 20 ml memoline (can't spell), and a prescription to aid in sleep, anxitiey, and nausea...Even if I take these pills I can't sleep
-Just lie in bed or on the couch not able to do anything but stare into space, fustrated cause my body won't respond NO MATTER what I do.
3) Want EVERYONE to go away
-this is fustrating because there are far too many people in my house
-I love my family but thier preventing me from sleeping
-Late night arguments break out
-late diners
-doesn't help that the walls are thinner than paper so I can hear EVERYTHING anyone is talking about.
4) Troubled mind
-School-Well, if you been reading my blogs you know what I'm talking about
-family-the battle within the family unit
-fear-I really don't want anymore Chemo
-Chemo-Yeah
-Pain-it's been rather unbearable lately
-which battle to choose to fight
Recently I've noticed a serious change in how Chemo has effected me emotionally. I've been more cranky, alot less tolerant, moody...I find myself crying for no reason. Laughter has been difficult for me to achieve and I find it difficult to smile. I do smile when I'm around people but in general those are rather forced smiles. I want to pull myself away and hide from the world but, instead I push myself forward and try to be more social.
Fatgue, pain, and moodiness seems to be the rulers of my current world and it's not something I enjoy seeing in myself. I want to see a silverlining in all this but really I don't. My life has always been centered that one day I'll have babies and now I don't really see that happening so I wonder what's the point? What's the point in living if you're not able to reproduce? What is it called reproductively challanged? I know most people today my age and younger really aren't interested in babies but, for some reason it's still in my mind, something I want eventhough, the notion frightens me a great deal at the same time.
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