Every single cycle

With every single cycle of chemo it becomes harder and harder to go back. Every single cycle has a new crazy side effect that one does not anticipate. From rashes to blisters that burst into bloody messes from constipation to a diaretic mess I never know what the next one is going to be like.

There is the standard stuff like fatique, nausea, and pain. Each time it's a variant of one of these three issues. Sometimes ALL I do is sleep and have little of the nausea and pain...other times it's nausea and pain...the variants go one...I think you get the idea.

This time it's PAIN. I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm going through. It's like a charlie horse that is spread out throughout your body and in constant pain at that. I don't know if I should cry or laugh because the pain is so ridiculous. Walking is very difficult but I try to walk just to keep myself moving...PRAYING that it will take the pain away. But it doesn't. I normally NEVER take painkillers and I've broken down and taken some iburprophene. BUT it's not even really helping the situation...the pain just keeps riding up. Meditation, breathing, massages, hot baths...NOTHING seems to help. Sleep is near impossible with the pain.

My step mother, Irina, has helped me a great deal with sleep. Every night she scrubs my body with salt and puts me in a hot bath. Afterwards she massages bengay into my pained areas...seriously, it knocks me out for atlease a few hours. Then I wake up in pain or I get this uneasy feeling. I can't explain it other than being HOT and cold with feeling stuffy and in a coffin. Moving around is at a must at that point but with the pain how can one move or walk around so basically I'm trapped in my bed pondering what the hell is the point of all this?!

Loneliness sets in and you do what you can to stop feeling lonely but everyone in the house is asleep. Can't really get onto the computer without falling down. Thirst sets in from all the pills you have to take throughout the day and at the same time you have to go pee. Again with the walking...Risk fallind down and waking everyone or make a huge mess in your room?! Yeah taking the risk is more appealing. Last night I finally broke down and took some morphene, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore.

I have a Det friend, Bill who is normally up in the middle of the night and sometimes I've been known too cal him just to hear a human's voice during a desparate night. Bill is a strange character. Being a Chicago Detective he can be rather off standish. I'm not sure what to make of him but, in my time of need he is probably the most understanding person I have ever met. Many a night he's cheered me up unknowingly. I don't let on that I'm depressed to him. I think mainly cause I know he wouldn't give me sympathy for my sadness...NOT because he is a heartless individual or anything like that but because he's the type of person who is a no nonsense type person...more like deal with the situation and move on. In some ways I find it very comforting and in a strange way it helps me pull through my rough spots. Everysingle time I have a "moment" where I feel I can't go one any further I often hear Bill's voice or think what would Bill do? There are others that I fall on to keep me going but, Bill is one of those people who stick out in my head when I need a little push.

Yesterday was Father's Day. And for the most part I think my dad had a good time. I pretty much stayed out of everyone's way and walked as much as I could around the house and the yard. Feeling really nauseated and pain was rather overwhelming I just kept to myself. One of the things I do when I feel nauseated is try to eat. Sometimes it really helps when you have something in your stomach and you feel sick. I dunno why this is the case but, it usually helps me from throwing up...with the execption of this past Chemo. This past Chemo there is nothing I can do to stop the nausea from happening. I'd much a little here and there but over all I've been avoiding food.

So my family decided to have a BBQand they made all of this food...Like I said I had been munching here and there just to keep my stomach at rest when the food was ready. I came to sit down at the picnic table and my dad ordered me to sit next to Caryn. I said I didn't want to...He said "She's a good sister, sit down next to her".

At that point I said, "She's not a good sister, I don't have a sister and I don't feel good, I'm not hungry."

So, true to her nature Caryn Snapped back and said, "HER LOSS."

Ok, my feelings on this topic. Caryn has said some really harsh things to a person who is sick. Me saying something to the effect that she's not a good sister is stating a fact...albeit imatture and childish but you know what I'm really really sick. NO ONE should ever have to take themselves to Chemo and back by themselves. She's healthy, she hasn't felt sick for the past 7 months straight. She knows the pains I am going through. Why should I say sorry when I've DONE NOTHING? All I did was expect her to keep her word and follow through on our plans that WE made together 3 weeks in advance. Not tell me at the very, literally, the very last moment that she had forgotten she had made an appointment with her hairdresser and she wasn't going to make it. AND OH, even though you reminded me NOT to forget about Chemo, which I forgot that you reminded me, I'm going to drop you off and pick you up at 7pm because I have to work for ANNE.

Just because I dont look sick doesn't mean I'm not sick. I simply don't want people to worry all the time so often I pretend things are ok. Chemo is a really stressful time for me. I don't like to guess weather or not I have a ride there and back. This really wasn't the first time Caryn did this to me. I don't like being there longer than I have to and it's really uncomfortable to sit there longer than I do. YOU try sitting in one place for 5 hours at a time where people are making alot of noise and you're trying to sleep and they wake you up every 5 mins.So telling me that she'd be back at 7 pm when I'm supposed to be finished with Chemo at 3 pm really isn't acceptable. It really stresses me out. I hate depending on people and Caryn basically told me I should be asking for family help all the time.

WAY to make me have some dignity. Obviously I'm still very upset about this Caryn thing. I just feel so betrayed by her considering that she's been through this whole thing just to back stabb me for what? Her own pride? Because she doesn't feel like she's being thanked enough? I'm not sure how much I could have thanked her I purchased her plane ticket to Seattle, I bought her ferrets for her birthday, I've thanked her for all that she's done, I've bought her a brand new camera. Everytime I see something I think she would like I try to get it for her...HOW am I not being thankful? I'm so disappointed and hurt by this whole thing...AM I wrong to feel this way?