Unbelieveable

I've been struggling with Caryn to maintain my scheduled Chemo sessions. What do I mean by this...She has this tendency to schedule extremely important events for her on that particular day. Chemo is an ALL day event...when you're done with Chemo both the "care taker" and the patient are really exhausted. Not really much you can avoid. It's just something that happens.

Zion is about 1 hour away from my house and two hours from downtown and for some reason her events center around downtown where she's not really able to get downtown at a reasonable time frame.

Three weeks ago was my fourth cycle of chemo and this time, like all other times, I had Caryn with me to schedule my appointment, NOT because she's my lacky but, because it's her schedule too. She has to make the time to go up with me...THAT and she had ALWAYS flaked out on me at the last moment. Caryn's boyfriend was going to have his last concert around my last Chemo session. I said OK, I have to worry about school but we'll work on your schedule...she basically told me that the day was fine but we probably should take the earlier time slot so that she could make it downtown easier to make it to his concert. So we made plans to spend the night before at the hotel so we wouldn't rush to get to the hospital.

That weekend, the weekend of my 4th cycle, the most horrible cycle so far which just happened to fall on Memorial day, the family decided they NEEDED to go to Michigan for the weekend, they made the decision ONE day before my Chemo, which didn't give me enough time to decide how safe it was going to be... I didn't want to go because of the Chemo...but, opted to go at the last minute because I rathered be miserable than be alone that weekend.

The following weekend my family had a bbq and my older sister came to visit. We had an impromptu business meeting which, if you know the story, I basically didn't want to have much to do with it...THAT is another drama on it's own...SO I chose not to participate in the discussion except when

Anne said..."I NEED you (Caryn) to work on Thursdays from now on..."

Caryn said "yeah yeah yeah..."

I injected and said "don't forget my Chemo's are on Thursdays..."

Apparently that started an argument...

Anne asked, "well it's only once a month right?"

I said sure, "from previous experiences Caryn is notoriously bad at scheduling..."

Caryn snipped back and said "well, you can just drive yourself to Chemo then..."

Exit stage right. I didn't say anything...I don't want to argue. I sat quietly at the table a little longer then went upstairs to lay down.

During the next week, the week before my next Chemo, I had lunch with my good friend Kevin and I invited Caryn to meet him on Tuesday June 3, 2008. She wanted to have him do some really nice pictures of her...they got along really nicely and he agreed to do the photos...Kevin is working on my project with me and so we've been struggling to get another photo shoot up and going...We scheduled our next photo shoot for Wednesday June 11, 2008 the day before my Chemo. Caryn sat there and listen to the conversation and KNEW what I was scheduling the photo shoot the day before Chemo and knew the overnight stay because she was the one mentioning it.

On Wednesday June 4th, 2008 my friend Ceci asked me if she could go with me to my 5th round of Chemo...I said yes, but really I didn't think anything of it...pretty much knew she'd cancel out at the last moment and feel bad but, she asked and I said ok...I talked to Caryn and said I really want to spend time with you two and that would like to have the opportunity to relax and just hang out the night before Chemo so I'd like to spend time at the hotel early and take avantage of the amemities. Caryn agreed.

That's when I remembered Kevin's shoot..."OH, I have that photo shoot with Kevin, and how are we going to pick up Ceci?" Ceci doesn't drive. then I said, "well, not all is lost...I can move the schedule to Monday June 9, 2008 and we can leave early to the hotel...After my exam at school, I'll pick up Ceci and we'll meet at home at 3or 4."

Caryn had some project due at school but said she was confident that she was to be finished by 2 or 3 which would get her home about 3, 4 at the latest. These were the plans we made together.

The Next day Wednesday June 4, 2008 at like 11 pm she askes me if I can take her and Clayton to the airport Friday morning and pick her up Sunday at 11pm. WOW, ok...out of the blue NO PLANNING.

1) I had a guest coming in that day at the polar end of the city.
2) I was feeling sick I STILL had not recovered from being sick from the last Cycle.
3) This person was leaving hours before she was arriving.

I told her I didn't know...BUT, she's my sister and said ok I'd do it. Because she's my sister and no one is more important than family...BUT COMMON could you give me more notice?!

I didn't say anything. SO the morning OF the beginning of her 48hrs plan is when she tells me PART of what she wants "us" to do. She tells me, "We'll sleep over Anne's house"

I reply, "Ok, make sense...it's closer."

Then later that afternoon, at 5pm Caryn calls, "can you come down to Sheffield and whatever street and pick me up @ 7? OH, and if you come at 6pm you can have some buffalo wings with me and Claudia"

1) I was sick the entire day and didn't really want to go.
2) the time she called doesn't give me enough time to get there at 7 let alone get there at 6...OK, she doesn't really want me to go...
3) I thought ok, just a pick up...then we'll go to pick up her boyfriend and then we'll go to anne's house and I can sleep...

My reply, "OK." I did make a sny comment but it was really just a joke...I would have done it but I had those thoughts in my head...I REALLY didn't want to go but, I did it without any real incidence.

I get to the place she wanted me to pick her up...and she's tells me we're going to some resturant to meet up with Clayton and his frinds...

I looked at her, me sitting in my pajama pants and t-shirt without my wig and said, "DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO SOCIALIZE?!"

With some sympathy she realized the position she was asking me to partake and called her boyfriend...they got into a tiny argument but she said in the end, ALRIGHT it's 8 pm now be ready and packed by 10pm...

Needless to say he wasn't ready. I was about to pass out. They got into a BIGGER argument where she was screaming at him in front of his home and he stood there kinda laughing (cause he was a little drunk). I thought WOW, I need to lay down. By the time I got to my sister's house we ALL had to get up in 4 hours to get to the airport...I really should have been asleep at at 8 or 9 pm instead I went to sleep at 2am. Needless to say I got them to the airport with a little time to spare. Exhausted but I got them there. Before she left though, in retrospect, I reminded her once again about Wednesday...of course her mind was in Seattle so I'm not going to hold that one on her...

Sunday cames, I'm exhausted from entertaining my guest and I have to pick her up with the knowledge I have to be up at 5 am the next day to get to class by 8am. But I pick her up and they finally get into the car by 11pm. I thought since we're already down in Chinatown we might as well get some food...I am positive thier starving since they most likely missed dinner time so I brought them down to Chinatown. We didn't get home until 1am I think.

I didn't say anything to anyone about this because I didn't need to let anyone know. It wasn't a big deal for me to do this because, I appreciate everything my sister has done for me so far that is why I try to keep her into consideration for her comfort and try to make things easier for her. UNTIL WEDNESDAY...

Monday and Tuesday evening, the week of my fifth cycle of Chemo, when Caryn and I were home I reminded Caryn Hotel and Chemo is this WEEEK. Gives me a ya ya ya, attitude, not because she doesn't care but because she was busy...and lemme tell you, if you push her to acknowledge you she'll freak out...SO my only recourse is just to tell her and hopefully she'll remember later. Ceci, as usually, flaked out...it's fine I didn't think anything of it...it's nothing new. But, I went home anyway early...

I got home at 3, according to our plan...and she wasn't home...not too much of a suprise because we did say between 3 and 4...

SO, I called her just to remind her of our plans and she said, "I NEVER had this conversation with you" She had plans and she wouldn't be comming home until 7:30-8 pm. Then she said "WELL, I JUST remember, I made an appointment to see my hair stylist to get my hair colored and she was on her way to the salon now oh, and Thursday I'm dropping you off at the hospital and going to work at Anne's office...I'll be back at 7..." OK...we get into an argument at which point I just hang up. She got me crying. Ran upstairs Where Denis comes up to calm me down.

Everyone knows I don't want to do Chemo... I don't want to drink that horrible Chinese medicine...I rather have nature run it's course to be quite frank...I'm doing this to stop the argument, I'm doing Chemo for my family. I'm drinking that god aweful medicine that my dad makes for my dad...NOT for myself. My family makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of garbage...Like I'm a free loader. I'm sorry, I've worked since I was the age of 9 years old scooping ice cream...I worked until I was 24 for my family. I never complained to work I just did what I had to do...I never got paid until I left the family and returned and even then I got $600 a month. Asian families are bizzare and hard to explain. There is bias towards me because I had a boyfriend at 17 years old. How has that effected me? Lets see...My older sister got a car at 16 she got a second car after she totaled the first one at I think 19 or 20 then she got a BMW when she graduated from Law school...Caryn she got a car I forget when but she was young...she totalled the car and got a NEW car.

When I was 24 I inherited my sister run down toyota tercel. I got into a one car accident and because Anne tells me she fixed the brakes and the breaks were worn down to the NUB!! I didn't total the car but it certainly didn't run properly and I was expected to get to and from work with this janky run down car while my sisters get brand new cars...

Every single one of my sibblings have had problems with school...basic injustices. Thier basic injustices really didn't mean anything...Just a teacher can't see eye to eye with my dad...it was not going to effect thier acedemic carreer in a serious long term instance...MY dad stood up for everysingle on except mine...MY CLASS. the one class that could help me get into graduate school...You guys have read what I wrote about that whole situation...My dad wouldn't even look at the letter I wrote. ALL this because I had a boyfriend at 17. I admit I was a little boy crazy back then but I NEVER did anything bad other than sneak out occassionally with a boyfriend BUT, all kids have things they need to rebell against...ANYWAY sorry for venting...

Back to the original story...I was upset and made it in my mind that I really wasn't going to go back...there is no reason. I helped Denis finish his chores and I sat at my computer looking for apartments to rent...after Chemo I'm getting a job and I'm moving out...I can't deal with this constant bickering.

Caryn comes into my room at like 9 pm, mind you an hour after she said she was going to be back, and says "WELL?!"

I replied..."I'm not going"

She askes..."WHY?!"

Well I explained the above reasons and then she FLIPS OUT. I mean completely flips out and starts screaming at me about how she's a bad sister, she was wrong, blah blah blah blah and then she starts hitting herself...WOW.

THEN SHE takes a shoe and beats herself more in the head...I'm not looking I'm still looking at my monitor but Denis was in the room and told me what he saw.

For a breif moment of pause she stop to take a breath and I said, "I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into going to Chemo." and somewhere in there I say, "you really need to go get some anger management courses..."

Where she starts beating herself again and screaming again...Denise calmed her enough where I could hear him and he said, "I'm not emotionally blackmailing you, go for me."

It's so bad but that's when I thought OK, I'll go. in the mean time she's still freaking out, she can't hear me for her voice was louder that what she could hear herself think...let alone hear what I had to say.

I didn't say much to say anything would be fruitless. At the end of her tantrum she says to me..."your selfish bitch and have a BLACK heart."

I wasn't going to make to the hotel room at this point...it was kinda fruitless. So I went to bed. I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. I had to be up at 5 am to get the hospital at 7. If Caryn was up and was ready I would have gone with her but I thought...NOPE it's not going to happen, she's not going to wake herself up for me. So I went to the hospital by myself at the end. EVERYONE at the hospital knows me to be cheery and happy and most of the staff LOVE to talk to me...So when Caryn wasn't there they all looked puzzled and asked where is your sister...I lied and said she had to work.

Chemo, I have a ritual...I prepare myself to sleep the entire time I'm there. That's it. I eat a lttle inbetween the awarness but, generally I sleep. It gives me energy for the rest of the weekend oddly enough. I LOVE being knocked out during Chemo cause if I'm going to have to sit there ALL day...TV get boring...I don't want to talk to people cause I'm hurting, I'd rather be asleep cause it makes the time go faster.

Caryn, CALLS the hospital while I'm on Chemo...it's like 11 the first time I'm out like a light and they wake me up to talk to me...THAT was really irritating. Then they wake me up again they wake me up a total of 8 times. I think I was done at 3 pm but the nurse allowed me to sleep until 5 so that could feel ok.

I called Caryn once to tell her to stop calling, I'm in the hosptial, I'm fine, please just let me sleep. NO, she has to call the hospital 3 more times after that and wakes me up 3 more times. I had the option to stay at the hotel or go home. I felt ok to drive home...better sleeping in my own bed than sleeping in a hotel room. I call Caryn when I got home because she left me a rather NASTY voicemail. something like I'm not going to talk to you anymore and I've fulfilled my obligaitions to you. She said more but that's basically what she said.

I call her back I said something to set her off and the last thing I hear her say is "I'm DONE with you, I hate you, I don't want to help you anymore, and I'll stop talking to you. You're a self center bitch, you are a burden to the family and your a leech." Then she hung the phone up on me.

Those of you who know me...Am I all these things? OH an Jen...I UNDERSTAND why you're so pissed off at your Brother...HOWEVER, I will forgive my sister and be apart of her life again soon...:) love you