School

Well, I had school today and I gotta say I felt so sick I nearly fell over in my chair. I can't even begin to describe this stupid feeling. it's like a roller coaster. One day it's ok, the next I'm bottoming out, then it's up again. It's really frustraing to have to deal with this up and down feeling of good and bad.

Having cancer puts a lot of things in perspective. Things that use to bother me doesn't really feel all that significant. With all the pain, the sickness, the weakness, and the negative energy I'm surrounded with I've come to appreciate all the good in my life. All those who love me, who do actually care, and the little things that make me happy like the mon KEYS my sister brought back for me from Seattle this weekend. It was such a simple gift and yet it made me so happy.

Someone made a joke to me this weekend that made me laugh the entire weekend and it was so innocent and yet so dirty at the same time that made me laugh...

Old arguments and old stupid things really don't make me think twice. Other people who have a problem with me from the past argments...I see it as thier own problem right now...I don't have the time, energy, or the mental capacity to deal with thier issues currently.

Which brings to the ideal that since I'm on a limited mental capacity, it begs the question what is it that makes my life so busy now than before?! In theroy I should have NOTHING to worry about and should have lots of time on my hands and yet I don't. I seem to be constantly running from one place to another. I'm suddenly forced to say, OK, I have to pick and choose which battle I need to take care of...the others I have to either give up and move on with my life or deal with it another time in my life. Some issues need to be taken care of right away whereas others are just horrible and complicated that it's not even worth it ... but if I don't take care of it will bite me in the long term.

The struggles of keeping my brain straight is currently helping me deal with some of my issues...I simply forget the issue and sometimes it never comes back...unfortunatly some do come slapping me across my face to tell me I won't be ignored...GOOD GRIEF! SO for now I deal with what I have to deal with and I try to accomedate the things I can't deal with but, I am realizing that I shouldn't kick myself for those things I can't control. I'm sick, I'm not able to do everything I set out to do...That's basically it. It's just so very hard accept this concept...