Every single cycle

With every single cycle of chemo it becomes harder and harder to go back. Every single cycle has a new crazy side effect that one does not anticipate. From rashes to blisters that burst into bloody messes from constipation to a diaretic mess I never know what the next one is going to be like.

There is the standard stuff like fatique, nausea, and pain. Each time it's a variant of one of these three issues. Sometimes ALL I do is sleep and have little of the nausea and pain...other times it's nausea and pain...the variants go one...I think you get the idea.

This time it's PAIN. I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm going through. It's like a charlie horse that is spread out throughout your body and in constant pain at that. I don't know if I should cry or laugh because the pain is so ridiculous. Walking is very difficult but I try to walk just to keep myself moving...PRAYING that it will take the pain away. But it doesn't. I normally NEVER take painkillers and I've broken down and taken some iburprophene. BUT it's not even really helping the situation...the pain just keeps riding up. Meditation, breathing, massages, hot baths...NOTHING seems to help. Sleep is near impossible with the pain.

My step mother, Irina, has helped me a great deal with sleep. Every night she scrubs my body with salt and puts me in a hot bath. Afterwards she massages bengay into my pained areas...seriously, it knocks me out for atlease a few hours. Then I wake up in pain or I get this uneasy feeling. I can't explain it other than being HOT and cold with feeling stuffy and in a coffin. Moving around is at a must at that point but with the pain how can one move or walk around so basically I'm trapped in my bed pondering what the hell is the point of all this?!

Loneliness sets in and you do what you can to stop feeling lonely but everyone in the house is asleep. Can't really get onto the computer without falling down. Thirst sets in from all the pills you have to take throughout the day and at the same time you have to go pee. Again with the walking...Risk fallind down and waking everyone or make a huge mess in your room?! Yeah taking the risk is more appealing. Last night I finally broke down and took some morphene, I just couldn't handle the pain anymore.

I have a Det friend, Bill who is normally up in the middle of the night and sometimes I've been known too cal him just to hear a human's voice during a desparate night. Bill is a strange character. Being a Chicago Detective he can be rather off standish. I'm not sure what to make of him but, in my time of need he is probably the most understanding person I have ever met. Many a night he's cheered me up unknowingly. I don't let on that I'm depressed to him. I think mainly cause I know he wouldn't give me sympathy for my sadness...NOT because he is a heartless individual or anything like that but because he's the type of person who is a no nonsense type person...more like deal with the situation and move on. In some ways I find it very comforting and in a strange way it helps me pull through my rough spots. Everysingle time I have a "moment" where I feel I can't go one any further I often hear Bill's voice or think what would Bill do? There are others that I fall on to keep me going but, Bill is one of those people who stick out in my head when I need a little push.

Yesterday was Father's Day. And for the most part I think my dad had a good time. I pretty much stayed out of everyone's way and walked as much as I could around the house and the yard. Feeling really nauseated and pain was rather overwhelming I just kept to myself. One of the things I do when I feel nauseated is try to eat. Sometimes it really helps when you have something in your stomach and you feel sick. I dunno why this is the case but, it usually helps me from throwing up...with the execption of this past Chemo. This past Chemo there is nothing I can do to stop the nausea from happening. I'd much a little here and there but over all I've been avoiding food.

So my family decided to have a BBQand they made all of this food...Like I said I had been munching here and there just to keep my stomach at rest when the food was ready. I came to sit down at the picnic table and my dad ordered me to sit next to Caryn. I said I didn't want to...He said "She's a good sister, sit down next to her".

At that point I said, "She's not a good sister, I don't have a sister and I don't feel good, I'm not hungry."

So, true to her nature Caryn Snapped back and said, "HER LOSS."

Ok, my feelings on this topic. Caryn has said some really harsh things to a person who is sick. Me saying something to the effect that she's not a good sister is stating a fact...albeit imatture and childish but you know what I'm really really sick. NO ONE should ever have to take themselves to Chemo and back by themselves. She's healthy, she hasn't felt sick for the past 7 months straight. She knows the pains I am going through. Why should I say sorry when I've DONE NOTHING? All I did was expect her to keep her word and follow through on our plans that WE made together 3 weeks in advance. Not tell me at the very, literally, the very last moment that she had forgotten she had made an appointment with her hairdresser and she wasn't going to make it. AND OH, even though you reminded me NOT to forget about Chemo, which I forgot that you reminded me, I'm going to drop you off and pick you up at 7pm because I have to work for ANNE.

Just because I dont look sick doesn't mean I'm not sick. I simply don't want people to worry all the time so often I pretend things are ok. Chemo is a really stressful time for me. I don't like to guess weather or not I have a ride there and back. This really wasn't the first time Caryn did this to me. I don't like being there longer than I have to and it's really uncomfortable to sit there longer than I do. YOU try sitting in one place for 5 hours at a time where people are making alot of noise and you're trying to sleep and they wake you up every 5 mins.So telling me that she'd be back at 7 pm when I'm supposed to be finished with Chemo at 3 pm really isn't acceptable. It really stresses me out. I hate depending on people and Caryn basically told me I should be asking for family help all the time.

WAY to make me have some dignity. Obviously I'm still very upset about this Caryn thing. I just feel so betrayed by her considering that she's been through this whole thing just to back stabb me for what? Her own pride? Because she doesn't feel like she's being thanked enough? I'm not sure how much I could have thanked her I purchased her plane ticket to Seattle, I bought her ferrets for her birthday, I've thanked her for all that she's done, I've bought her a brand new camera. Everytime I see something I think she would like I try to get it for her...HOW am I not being thankful? I'm so disappointed and hurt by this whole thing...AM I wrong to feel this way?

Silence

Well, lets see this is the third day since Caryn's blow up and the second since I last spoke to her. I don't feel that I need to say anything to her. Why should I. I didn't abandon her, I didn't say nasty things to her. I didn't blow up on her.

I think the worse thing I did was tell her I didn't want to live and Chemo and that nasty tea was for the family and not for me. OH, and to stop yelling at me. I didn't need the stress. I don't need people yelling at me. And I certainly don't need people talking about be behind my back...YES, I heard her talking about me to my step mom when she thought I wasn't there.

Honestly I have no idea what her problem is and she really needs to apologise. How am I not appreciative? I've said nothing but nice things about her here, aside from the last blog, and most people don't know how much I talk to her thanking her not to mention that I basically paid for her plane ticket to Seattle. Everytime we have a "gift giving" thing, like christmas or birthdays I always think of what I can give Caryn first, something she needs, something she wants.

This whole thing hurts me more than anything because she's seen the pain I went through, she's been with me every step of the way and for her to treat me like I have a choice in being sick. I hate being sick, I hate not being able to pass that damn police exam, I hate feeling like an envilid.

Fifth Cycle

Well, I had my fifth cycle yesterday and I have side effect but thier not that bad this time around...Knock on wood...

I don't have a rash which is a relief but I am fatgued and nausiated all the time which isn't that much fun.

July 15, 2008

I realized looking back, the 5th cycle had had to been the worse cycle for me too date. It was painful, sickening, and exhausting. Not to mention the bloating, depression, and numbness. Glad it is over.

Unbelieveable

I've been struggling with Caryn to maintain my scheduled Chemo sessions. What do I mean by this...She has this tendency to schedule extremely important events for her on that particular day. Chemo is an ALL day event...when you're done with Chemo both the "care taker" and the patient are really exhausted. Not really much you can avoid. It's just something that happens.

Zion is about 1 hour away from my house and two hours from downtown and for some reason her events center around downtown where she's not really able to get downtown at a reasonable time frame.

Three weeks ago was my fourth cycle of chemo and this time, like all other times, I had Caryn with me to schedule my appointment, NOT because she's my lacky but, because it's her schedule too. She has to make the time to go up with me...THAT and she had ALWAYS flaked out on me at the last moment. Caryn's boyfriend was going to have his last concert around my last Chemo session. I said OK, I have to worry about school but we'll work on your schedule...she basically told me that the day was fine but we probably should take the earlier time slot so that she could make it downtown easier to make it to his concert. So we made plans to spend the night before at the hotel so we wouldn't rush to get to the hospital.

That weekend, the weekend of my 4th cycle, the most horrible cycle so far which just happened to fall on Memorial day, the family decided they NEEDED to go to Michigan for the weekend, they made the decision ONE day before my Chemo, which didn't give me enough time to decide how safe it was going to be... I didn't want to go because of the Chemo...but, opted to go at the last minute because I rathered be miserable than be alone that weekend.

The following weekend my family had a bbq and my older sister came to visit. We had an impromptu business meeting which, if you know the story, I basically didn't want to have much to do with it...THAT is another drama on it's own...SO I chose not to participate in the discussion except when

Anne said..."I NEED you (Caryn) to work on Thursdays from now on..."

Caryn said "yeah yeah yeah..."

I injected and said "don't forget my Chemo's are on Thursdays..."

Apparently that started an argument...

Anne asked, "well it's only once a month right?"

I said sure, "from previous experiences Caryn is notoriously bad at scheduling..."

Caryn snipped back and said "well, you can just drive yourself to Chemo then..."

Exit stage right. I didn't say anything...I don't want to argue. I sat quietly at the table a little longer then went upstairs to lay down.

During the next week, the week before my next Chemo, I had lunch with my good friend Kevin and I invited Caryn to meet him on Tuesday June 3, 2008. She wanted to have him do some really nice pictures of her...they got along really nicely and he agreed to do the photos...Kevin is working on my project with me and so we've been struggling to get another photo shoot up and going...We scheduled our next photo shoot for Wednesday June 11, 2008 the day before my Chemo. Caryn sat there and listen to the conversation and KNEW what I was scheduling the photo shoot the day before Chemo and knew the overnight stay because she was the one mentioning it.

On Wednesday June 4th, 2008 my friend Ceci asked me if she could go with me to my 5th round of Chemo...I said yes, but really I didn't think anything of it...pretty much knew she'd cancel out at the last moment and feel bad but, she asked and I said ok...I talked to Caryn and said I really want to spend time with you two and that would like to have the opportunity to relax and just hang out the night before Chemo so I'd like to spend time at the hotel early and take avantage of the amemities. Caryn agreed.

That's when I remembered Kevin's shoot..."OH, I have that photo shoot with Kevin, and how are we going to pick up Ceci?" Ceci doesn't drive. then I said, "well, not all is lost...I can move the schedule to Monday June 9, 2008 and we can leave early to the hotel...After my exam at school, I'll pick up Ceci and we'll meet at home at 3or 4."

Caryn had some project due at school but said she was confident that she was to be finished by 2 or 3 which would get her home about 3, 4 at the latest. These were the plans we made together.

The Next day Wednesday June 4, 2008 at like 11 pm she askes me if I can take her and Clayton to the airport Friday morning and pick her up Sunday at 11pm. WOW, ok...out of the blue NO PLANNING.

1) I had a guest coming in that day at the polar end of the city.
2) I was feeling sick I STILL had not recovered from being sick from the last Cycle.
3) This person was leaving hours before she was arriving.

I told her I didn't know...BUT, she's my sister and said ok I'd do it. Because she's my sister and no one is more important than family...BUT COMMON could you give me more notice?!

I didn't say anything. SO the morning OF the beginning of her 48hrs plan is when she tells me PART of what she wants "us" to do. She tells me, "We'll sleep over Anne's house"

I reply, "Ok, make sense...it's closer."

Then later that afternoon, at 5pm Caryn calls, "can you come down to Sheffield and whatever street and pick me up @ 7? OH, and if you come at 6pm you can have some buffalo wings with me and Claudia"

1) I was sick the entire day and didn't really want to go.
2) the time she called doesn't give me enough time to get there at 7 let alone get there at 6...OK, she doesn't really want me to go...
3) I thought ok, just a pick up...then we'll go to pick up her boyfriend and then we'll go to anne's house and I can sleep...

My reply, "OK." I did make a sny comment but it was really just a joke...I would have done it but I had those thoughts in my head...I REALLY didn't want to go but, I did it without any real incidence.

I get to the place she wanted me to pick her up...and she's tells me we're going to some resturant to meet up with Clayton and his frinds...

I looked at her, me sitting in my pajama pants and t-shirt without my wig and said, "DO I LOOK LIKE I WANT TO SOCIALIZE?!"

With some sympathy she realized the position she was asking me to partake and called her boyfriend...they got into a tiny argument but she said in the end, ALRIGHT it's 8 pm now be ready and packed by 10pm...

Needless to say he wasn't ready. I was about to pass out. They got into a BIGGER argument where she was screaming at him in front of his home and he stood there kinda laughing (cause he was a little drunk). I thought WOW, I need to lay down. By the time I got to my sister's house we ALL had to get up in 4 hours to get to the airport...I really should have been asleep at at 8 or 9 pm instead I went to sleep at 2am. Needless to say I got them to the airport with a little time to spare. Exhausted but I got them there. Before she left though, in retrospect, I reminded her once again about Wednesday...of course her mind was in Seattle so I'm not going to hold that one on her...

Sunday cames, I'm exhausted from entertaining my guest and I have to pick her up with the knowledge I have to be up at 5 am the next day to get to class by 8am. But I pick her up and they finally get into the car by 11pm. I thought since we're already down in Chinatown we might as well get some food...I am positive thier starving since they most likely missed dinner time so I brought them down to Chinatown. We didn't get home until 1am I think.

I didn't say anything to anyone about this because I didn't need to let anyone know. It wasn't a big deal for me to do this because, I appreciate everything my sister has done for me so far that is why I try to keep her into consideration for her comfort and try to make things easier for her. UNTIL WEDNESDAY...

Monday and Tuesday evening, the week of my fifth cycle of Chemo, when Caryn and I were home I reminded Caryn Hotel and Chemo is this WEEEK. Gives me a ya ya ya, attitude, not because she doesn't care but because she was busy...and lemme tell you, if you push her to acknowledge you she'll freak out...SO my only recourse is just to tell her and hopefully she'll remember later. Ceci, as usually, flaked out...it's fine I didn't think anything of it...it's nothing new. But, I went home anyway early...

I got home at 3, according to our plan...and she wasn't home...not too much of a suprise because we did say between 3 and 4...

SO, I called her just to remind her of our plans and she said, "I NEVER had this conversation with you" She had plans and she wouldn't be comming home until 7:30-8 pm. Then she said "WELL, I JUST remember, I made an appointment to see my hair stylist to get my hair colored and she was on her way to the salon now oh, and Thursday I'm dropping you off at the hospital and going to work at Anne's office...I'll be back at 7..." OK...we get into an argument at which point I just hang up. She got me crying. Ran upstairs Where Denis comes up to calm me down.

Everyone knows I don't want to do Chemo... I don't want to drink that horrible Chinese medicine...I rather have nature run it's course to be quite frank...I'm doing this to stop the argument, I'm doing Chemo for my family. I'm drinking that god aweful medicine that my dad makes for my dad...NOT for myself. My family makes me feel like I'm a worthless piece of garbage...Like I'm a free loader. I'm sorry, I've worked since I was the age of 9 years old scooping ice cream...I worked until I was 24 for my family. I never complained to work I just did what I had to do...I never got paid until I left the family and returned and even then I got $600 a month. Asian families are bizzare and hard to explain. There is bias towards me because I had a boyfriend at 17 years old. How has that effected me? Lets see...My older sister got a car at 16 she got a second car after she totaled the first one at I think 19 or 20 then she got a BMW when she graduated from Law school...Caryn she got a car I forget when but she was young...she totalled the car and got a NEW car.

When I was 24 I inherited my sister run down toyota tercel. I got into a one car accident and because Anne tells me she fixed the brakes and the breaks were worn down to the NUB!! I didn't total the car but it certainly didn't run properly and I was expected to get to and from work with this janky run down car while my sisters get brand new cars...

Every single one of my sibblings have had problems with school...basic injustices. Thier basic injustices really didn't mean anything...Just a teacher can't see eye to eye with my dad...it was not going to effect thier acedemic carreer in a serious long term instance...MY dad stood up for everysingle on except mine...MY CLASS. the one class that could help me get into graduate school...You guys have read what I wrote about that whole situation...My dad wouldn't even look at the letter I wrote. ALL this because I had a boyfriend at 17. I admit I was a little boy crazy back then but I NEVER did anything bad other than sneak out occassionally with a boyfriend BUT, all kids have things they need to rebell against...ANYWAY sorry for venting...

Back to the original story...I was upset and made it in my mind that I really wasn't going to go back...there is no reason. I helped Denis finish his chores and I sat at my computer looking for apartments to rent...after Chemo I'm getting a job and I'm moving out...I can't deal with this constant bickering.

Caryn comes into my room at like 9 pm, mind you an hour after she said she was going to be back, and says "WELL?!"

I replied..."I'm not going"

She askes..."WHY?!"

Well I explained the above reasons and then she FLIPS OUT. I mean completely flips out and starts screaming at me about how she's a bad sister, she was wrong, blah blah blah blah and then she starts hitting herself...WOW.

THEN SHE takes a shoe and beats herself more in the head...I'm not looking I'm still looking at my monitor but Denis was in the room and told me what he saw.

For a breif moment of pause she stop to take a breath and I said, "I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into going to Chemo." and somewhere in there I say, "you really need to go get some anger management courses..."

Where she starts beating herself again and screaming again...Denise calmed her enough where I could hear him and he said, "I'm not emotionally blackmailing you, go for me."

It's so bad but that's when I thought OK, I'll go. in the mean time she's still freaking out, she can't hear me for her voice was louder that what she could hear herself think...let alone hear what I had to say.

I didn't say much to say anything would be fruitless. At the end of her tantrum she says to me..."your selfish bitch and have a BLACK heart."

I wasn't going to make to the hotel room at this point...it was kinda fruitless. So I went to bed. I didn't fall asleep until 1 am. I had to be up at 5 am to get the hospital at 7. If Caryn was up and was ready I would have gone with her but I thought...NOPE it's not going to happen, she's not going to wake herself up for me. So I went to the hospital by myself at the end. EVERYONE at the hospital knows me to be cheery and happy and most of the staff LOVE to talk to me...So when Caryn wasn't there they all looked puzzled and asked where is your sister...I lied and said she had to work.

Chemo, I have a ritual...I prepare myself to sleep the entire time I'm there. That's it. I eat a lttle inbetween the awarness but, generally I sleep. It gives me energy for the rest of the weekend oddly enough. I LOVE being knocked out during Chemo cause if I'm going to have to sit there ALL day...TV get boring...I don't want to talk to people cause I'm hurting, I'd rather be asleep cause it makes the time go faster.

Caryn, CALLS the hospital while I'm on Chemo...it's like 11 the first time I'm out like a light and they wake me up to talk to me...THAT was really irritating. Then they wake me up again they wake me up a total of 8 times. I think I was done at 3 pm but the nurse allowed me to sleep until 5 so that could feel ok.

I called Caryn once to tell her to stop calling, I'm in the hosptial, I'm fine, please just let me sleep. NO, she has to call the hospital 3 more times after that and wakes me up 3 more times. I had the option to stay at the hotel or go home. I felt ok to drive home...better sleeping in my own bed than sleeping in a hotel room. I call Caryn when I got home because she left me a rather NASTY voicemail. something like I'm not going to talk to you anymore and I've fulfilled my obligaitions to you. She said more but that's basically what she said.

I call her back I said something to set her off and the last thing I hear her say is "I'm DONE with you, I hate you, I don't want to help you anymore, and I'll stop talking to you. You're a self center bitch, you are a burden to the family and your a leech." Then she hung the phone up on me.

Those of you who know me...Am I all these things? OH an Jen...I UNDERSTAND why you're so pissed off at your Brother...HOWEVER, I will forgive my sister and be apart of her life again soon...:) love you

This past weekend

I had a visitor this weekend...and I spent alot of time with this visitor. We talked about my cancer and my treatments, school and my stress.

I've come to realize alot of things while fighting against cancer:
1) I'm a strong person
2) I'm a stronger person
3) I never wish this illness on anyone, even my worse enemy
4) There are certain people that deserve my time
5) There are people who really don't deserve my time
6) I have to make choices for myself and all the static I get is just static
7) Advise is something to consider not to make a choice
8) I have to live with the consequences of my decisions, no one else

There are other things I've realize but, I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to reveal them quite yet.

This diease has help me sort out those who are my friends, who love me, and who were just using me. It's really sad to make that realization. But at the same time it's a wonderous celebration within myself to see the majority of people I have allowed into my life actually care for me as much as I would care for them. All others they can kiss my ...

Fatigue

Extreme fatigue is a strange monster. So very tired all the time and no matter how exhausted you are there are times where you just cant sleep. Thus far I've seen a few types of fatigue:

1) Extreme SLEEP
-no real explaination other than no matter what you do you just are tired
-6 cups of coffee and one shot of expresso and you're still knocked out

2) Body Fatigue
-this is the most fustrating of all the fatigues because only you body is tired...your mind, spirit, and will well they want the body to do things and you just can't
-Because I'm on chemo I don't take sleeping pills
-What I do take is benedryl, 20 ml memoline (can't spell), and a prescription to aid in sleep, anxitiey, and nausea...Even if I take these pills I can't sleep
-Just lie in bed or on the couch not able to do anything but stare into space, fustrated cause my body won't respond NO MATTER what I do.

3) Want EVERYONE to go away
-this is fustrating because there are far too many people in my house
-I love my family but thier preventing me from sleeping
-Late night arguments break out
-late diners
-doesn't help that the walls are thinner than paper so I can hear EVERYTHING anyone is talking about.

4) Troubled mind
-School-Well, if you been reading my blogs you know what I'm talking about
-family-the battle within the family unit
-fear-I really don't want anymore Chemo
-Chemo-Yeah
-Pain-it's been rather unbearable lately
-which battle to choose to fight

Recently I've noticed a serious change in how Chemo has effected me emotionally. I've been more cranky, alot less tolerant, moody...I find myself crying for no reason. Laughter has been difficult for me to achieve and I find it difficult to smile. I do smile when I'm around people but in general those are rather forced smiles. I want to pull myself away and hide from the world but, instead I push myself forward and try to be more social.

Fatgue, pain, and moodiness seems to be the rulers of my current world and it's not something I enjoy seeing in myself. I want to see a silverlining in all this but really I don't. My life has always been centered that one day I'll have babies and now I don't really see that happening so I wonder what's the point? What's the point in living if you're not able to reproduce? What is it called reproductively challanged? I know most people today my age and younger really aren't interested in babies but, for some reason it's still in my mind, something I want eventhough, the notion frightens me a great deal at the same time.

School

Well, I had school today and I gotta say I felt so sick I nearly fell over in my chair. I can't even begin to describe this stupid feeling. it's like a roller coaster. One day it's ok, the next I'm bottoming out, then it's up again. It's really frustraing to have to deal with this up and down feeling of good and bad.

Having cancer puts a lot of things in perspective. Things that use to bother me doesn't really feel all that significant. With all the pain, the sickness, the weakness, and the negative energy I'm surrounded with I've come to appreciate all the good in my life. All those who love me, who do actually care, and the little things that make me happy like the mon KEYS my sister brought back for me from Seattle this weekend. It was such a simple gift and yet it made me so happy.

Someone made a joke to me this weekend that made me laugh the entire weekend and it was so innocent and yet so dirty at the same time that made me laugh...

Old arguments and old stupid things really don't make me think twice. Other people who have a problem with me from the past argments...I see it as thier own problem right now...I don't have the time, energy, or the mental capacity to deal with thier issues currently.

Which brings to the ideal that since I'm on a limited mental capacity, it begs the question what is it that makes my life so busy now than before?! In theroy I should have NOTHING to worry about and should have lots of time on my hands and yet I don't. I seem to be constantly running from one place to another. I'm suddenly forced to say, OK, I have to pick and choose which battle I need to take care of...the others I have to either give up and move on with my life or deal with it another time in my life. Some issues need to be taken care of right away whereas others are just horrible and complicated that it's not even worth it ... but if I don't take care of it will bite me in the long term.

The struggles of keeping my brain straight is currently helping me deal with some of my issues...I simply forget the issue and sometimes it never comes back...unfortunatly some do come slapping me across my face to tell me I won't be ignored...GOOD GRIEF! SO for now I deal with what I have to deal with and I try to accomedate the things I can't deal with but, I am realizing that I shouldn't kick myself for those things I can't control. I'm sick, I'm not able to do everything I set out to do...That's basically it. It's just so very hard accept this concept...

Chemo Brain

Very early this morning I drove my sister, Caryn, and her boyfriend, Clayton to the airport. We got to the area fairly early and saw a McDonalds. Craving an ice coffee I suggested that they get breakfast before thier flight so they wouldn't be hungry during thier flight. As we sat in the car waiting for our food at this subefficent so called fast food resturant, We chatted about how poor the service was. Painfully we finally recieved our coffee...I sat there for a moment, and Caryn asked, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?! Those people behind us are going to get out of thier cars and beat us with sticks!!"

I looked at her befoggled and said, "we need to get our sandwiches don't we?!"

In unison Caryn and Clayton rang out, "we got our sandwiches LONG before we got our drinks! GO..."

Well needless to say I had absolutly NO recollection of that event. But it must have taken place for the bag was sitting right next to Caryn and yet I absolutely don't have any idea how that bag came across my face to Caryn's side...Even now I don't have any idea how it came about.

"well, that's Chemo Brain for ya..." I remarked to Caryn and Clayton

They both laughed and I snickered, but really it troubled me. As we drew closer to the airport, Caryn recalled when she was proof reading my recent paper how it was a very interesting paper with lots of wonderful parts to it she noticed that I would start a point and then suddenly stop and start another point. OF course that's just me sometimes, I do do that but, she remarked it was worse than normal.

It's so difficult to remember things and then there are things that are so clear in my mind. I notice it in my speech...I'm having a hard time remembering basic words and find myself studdering. I like to believe I'm a intelligent person with a vast vocabulary but, who am I kidding...I believe my vocabulary is, at best, average to slightly higher. It disturbs me that I'm struggling with my vocabulary.

Reading to myself it seems to have little to no effect, well, that I'm aware of. However, reading outloud...has be painfully evident, I struggled with a paragraph class recently. WOW, it was bad...I felt like a 1st Grader reading a high school text book, it was really that painful. Peoples faces, names, conversations, and tasks have been extremely difficult for me to comprehend, remember, or understand at times.

I have also noticed that I'm having difficulty with my moblity. I get odd twitches, numbness, and loss of feeling in my limbs. It's all kinda scary but, I feel that I need to get past these things, the struggle with my physical being. My brain forgets that I can't do certain things, at the very lease shouldn't do things. I physically can tell that I'm weaker.

The fatigue...I never understood that word until recently. When I work out I fear working out infront of people because of the fatigue. I don't want to show my weakness. Before, I was able to push my body to a certain point and I was always able to go a little further with no fear of just collapsing. NOW, I work out a little bit and I'm fear I'm going to collapse, the point of fatigue. I haven't yet but, I feel it will come. I am trying to keep moving and pushing myself to excersize simply because I have to keep my health going but, that fatigue scares me a great deal. This fatigue thing happened so quickly that I'm having a hard time adjusting to the feeling.

I am coming up to my 5th cycle of Chemo and I want to run screaming from it. Every cycle gets worse and worse. Every cycle I feel weaker and weaker. Every cycle I feel more and more pain for longer periods. Every cycle I am TERRIFIED of going back. I don't want to be poked anymore. I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to be stuck at home anymore. I'm missing out on life...I long to go on another archeaological dig. I long to work. I'm envious to those who are on expeditions, traveling, and living...

I hear people complain about thier lives, thier minor pains, thier injustices...in all reality it's nothing compared to what I'm going through, I hate to be so narcicistic but it's true. in reality I shouldn't even complain about what I'm going through because I know there are some people out there who are struggling harder than what I am going through in regards to thier disease. Having cancer puts you in perspective with certain things. Makes you appreciate things you took for granted.

Don't get me wrong, if God gave me the choice to do this all over again, I most certainly would not do it. But, because I have to go through these times, I am happy to say that I am learning about myself, life, and others within this experience that I most likely would never have learnt before no matter how many books, classes, or influences I partake.

Still wish I were in Belize.

A BLOG

Well, I have lots to say and am being VERY lazy today. I don't really feel like blogging today simply because I don't feel like it but, I'm make a feable attempt. I had school today and after class I did everything I could to prevent myself from going home...I'm not 100% sure why I just didn't feel like going.

I got alot accomplished figured out what classes I still needed to graduate, what math class I need to take and one natural science. I have 2 Anthro classes to attempt to finish and one core class...a class that has something to do with Anthro but at another department of the school...Only have to take a English competency test and the constitution test and I'm DONE!! 5 classes and I'm done! WAH HOOO.

I pushed my way around school...apparently I'm not supposed to have more than one advisor so when I went to the advising center, they tried to send me away BUT, I was more or less pushy in trying to get into see an advisor so I can be sure I'm not wasting my time in choosing classes...thus far I chose 2 classes I need one more to get my financial aid going. SO, I'll be taking a math class. One more independent study class and I should be good to go...

School Response to my Letter

So in order of how the response came in...

Sent: Monday, April 28, 2008 1:47 PM

Dear Ms. Shaw,

I am in receipt of your April 23rd letter. I am forwarding it to Assoc. Dean David Rutschman in the College of Arts and Sciences for review.

Someone will be in touch will you as soon as practicable.

MTK
Dean of Students


Sent: Tuesday, April 29, 2008 4:54 PM

Dear Ms. Shaw,

I talked with Prof. Hageman about your situation and your complaint. We can all work together to find the best solution.

What I would like to propose, and Prof Hageman is in agreement, is for you to complete the course in the Fall (with another professor) or better yet, in Spring 2009 with Prof. Hageman. We will have no problem changing the grade at that point, given the special circumstances you are facing.

I hope you are doing well and that have been able to complete your other courses this term. And that you will be back, fully recovered, in Fall.

Feel free to contact Jon Hageman so together you can figure out the best alternative. And please stay in touch so I can make sure things are working out.

Associate Dean

My response...

4/30/2008 11:26:09 P.M. Central Daylight Time

Dear Mr. Rutschman,

This letter is in response to your letter to me dated April 29, 2008.

I have had a very unfortunate life. When I was 18, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and within a year, she passed away. Her passing left me grief stricken and I fell into a deep depression. At the time school was the only thing that kept me afloat and focused other than the loss of my mother. However, before I completed school, I met a man who became my husband and he convinced me to quit school. A few years later he betrayed, abandoned, and took advantage of my kind heart and financial situation. When we started our divorce proceedings five years ago, I returned to school. Though my divorce has been difficult, through it all my studies at Northeastern have been my guiding light and solace.

Along with my divorce, I have been diagnosed with breast cancer where my original surgeon botched the surgery and had left some of the tumor and cancer cells in my body. As a result, I was forced to have another surgery before I was completely healed from the first surgery. When I awoke from my procedure, I felt the searing pain on the right side of my body and saw the tubes that draped out of my body. My doctors informed me the surgery, which should have taken two hours, took five hours because the cancer had spread so rapidly. My surgical team removed half my right breast and 17 lymph nodes. The first thing I did after my doctors left was to call my friend from school and plead with her to inform my Professors that I would not be attending classes the coming week. With each chemotherapy treatment, my body becomes weaker and weaker and thusly takes longer for me to function in my daily life.

When Dr. Hagemen informed me of his original decision, I was devastated. It affected me so badly that I did not want to carry on with treatment. When he informed me he had made a mistake in calculating before our agreement, which is what pushed me to continue. I have done all I can to keep my part of the agreement that Dr. Hageman and I had made. I have lost time, money, my health and my own peace of mind over this issue. I did not ask to be sick and I did not request or seek special treatment. What I did ask for was some humane compassion for what I am dealing with in my life. During this entire ordeal, I missed three days of school, two one-page assignments, and one exam. With the exception of the exam, all of my absences were due to my illness, and if necessary, I can provide the necessary medical documentation to prove it. Dr. Hageman refused to give me the exam. I have been through enough just in the past year with my life, my health, and my emotional state to last a lifetime. School has been the one and only factor in my life that has provided me the grace and driving force for me to continue to move forward and look to the positive. My educational life at Northeastern is very meaningful and has become a major component in my healing process. Please, I ask of you, do not take this away from me.

I am willing to resolve the situation by being allowed a fair chance at completing the exam with an unbias professor to grade the final exam or that I receive a refund of the funds I have paid for the class (or a credit to my account) and that this course is removed from my permanent record. Furthermore, I ask from this University that when I enroll in the course again for the fall 2008 semester under the tutelage of Dr. Russell Zanca that the tuition be waived. I feel this is a fair and reasonable request because of being discriminated against by Dr. Hagemen. This does not resolve the issue of retaliation and future discrimination by the professor. Due to the intensity of the course, and all of the work I put into the original semester, I feel this experience will set me back mentally for the new semester. I cannot, in good faith, work or learn from someone who I no longer respect, has no compassion for his students, and blatantly lies to them because of his own negligence.

Please Advise.

Yours Sincerely,


Associate Dean's Response...

Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 5:34 PM

Barbara,

I received the letter you sent by certified mail. As I understand your request, you would like to retake the course in the Fall with Prof. Zanca. That is certainly possible, and it is one of the options I had suggested.

I will talk with Prof. Zanca. I’m sure he will agree to have you take the course (without registering, since this will be to remove the previous incomplete). We will then replace the I grade with the grade assigned to you by Prof. Zanca.

I will let you know if there are any complications with this, otherwise contact Prof. Zanca before school starts in the Fall.

regards,

And then responded once again with...

Date: 5/13/2008 2:18:33 P.M. Central Daylight Time

Barbara,

I have communicated with Prof Zanca, and he will gladly let you retake the course with him. Remember, at the end of the term, to communicate with me or Prof. Hageman to get the grade changed.

regards,



This is my delema...It doesn't change a darn thing about what was said originally when I first started corresponding with the dean. It's irritating and it seems like thier forcing me to talk to Dr. H STILL. It's so discouraging and sad. I have a new letter that is waiting and I'm not 100% sure if I should send it or not...

Advise would be welcomed...

Hair Loss

So, after the first cycle of Chemo, I thought I was ok with the thought of losing my hair until that fateful day where I actually started loosing my hair. First cycle of Chemo was interesting ride, I went to school, slept, and visited some friends during this time. I had very little to do with actually spending time doing fun things outside my home when new friends of mine, Jeff and Laura, decided to ask me out to the theater and dinner. During the dinner they saw I had cut my hair really short...they were suprised and I was very self conscienous about my hair since it had already started to come out.

At first it was just falling out, small pieces here and there, nothing significant. My head started to hurt. At first it was just a funny feeling and then it felt like pins and needles stabbing my head. My hair felt funny like forever oily and nothing I could do could keep it clean. The shower was a horrific experience since every time I washed my hair, that is when the hair loss was more and more prevailant. The worse part of it is when you go out with people...even though they don't really know it, you're really self consciencous about the hair loss in thier car, home, ore whatever...it's the horrifice feeling that you'll get someone brushing your clothing and it's not dandriff but your hair thier brushing off. But then more and more started to come out without the shower...The night that I went to dinner with my friends was when the first CLUMP of hair came out.

I returned home after a wonderful evening and I sat at my desk. Jeff signed on and we started chatting about the evening when suddenly my head itched , when I went to scratch the area a HUGE clump of hair came out. I gotta say I did not react well. I ran to my sister's room and said to her it has to come off now...She looked at me like I was crazy and tried to calm me down. I basically wasn't listening to her and told her it comes out now with or without your help...My step mother tried talking me out of shaving my head...

My step mother started crying..."I can't shave your head, it's the night before easter..." was her excuse.

I was so determined to shave my head I took the buzzard and sat infront of a mirror. My step mother was begging me to wait until My brother or Father woke up the next day to help me shave my head but, I wasn't having it. IT HAD TO COME OFF. So my sister said OK, I'll help...

As she started she absolutely had no idea what she was doing...my step mother was SOO upset...and finally said OK, she needed to step in since Caryn was struggling so hard to do it correctly...SOMEHOW they made me compromise and just use a #2 gard and keep my bangs...BUT, within two weeks I shaved my head completely by myself infront of a mirror...it was just too physically painful, emotionally, and it was comming out in clumps anyway at that point.

Hagemen the continueing saga

As you all know about the situation with Dr. H. Well about 2 weeks before Chemo started...about 6 weeks before school ended, I wrote to him with:

Hi Dr. H,
Well, the final four weeks are here and I was wondering if I could get the classroom information time, place, and dates of the class from you.

the final 4 weeks syllibus would be good. I'd like to complete the Final now that I still have the energy to do so. It would reduce my stress level during finals week to get it completed now.

Thanks Barbara

It was actually 6 weeks before but...I wasn't really thinking at the time... His response was...He basically didn't know what I was talking about and that I should call him Tuesday between 11 and 1 which I did and left a voicemail message...He never returned my call... where I wrote him...

At 02:45 PM 4/21/2008, you wrote:

Hi Dr. H,
I need to complete the final but for some reason I'm unable to get contact you to obtain the final. We're running out of time as the end of the semester is nearing. I'd like to take the final sometime soon. But, I worry about the time constraints and the fatigue involved with the chemo in completing the exam on time. might you have a solution for this delema?
Thanks
Barb

His Response:

Hello Barb:

Glad to hear you're doing better, and I hope the effects of the chemo are minimal. We missed you for the final few weeks of class but I understand the need to focus on recovery.

I appreciate your willingness to take the final. I am sorry to say that, at this point in the semester, it is mathematically impossible for you to pass the class with a C or better as a result of missing the last 3 weeks of discussion and papers, which drop your grade considerably. As unfortunate as this is, I would suggest re-taking the class in the fall. As you've seen much of the material already you'll have a bit of an advantage this time around, and a better chance at a higher grade.

Thanks for the email, and best wishes on your continued recovery!

Dr. H.

SO, basically what he had planned originally...So I wrote to the Dean with ALL of the correspondance:

RE: General policy Statement on Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action and Anthropology 355 Dr. J. Hagemen



Dear Dr. Kelly and Dr. Vamarasi,

I am currently a full time student enrolled in the Anthropology program. Enclosed is correspondence between Dr. Hageman and I through my ordeal during the fall semester and the current semester.

I am writing you as a last resort. 2007 Fall Semester I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnoses happened near the end of the semester where I was unable to attend classes due to my illness. On December 4, 2007, I had informed all of the professors of my condition immediately after my diagnosis to where some professors had been extremely supportive and understanding, with the exception of Dr. John Hagemen.

The History of Anthropology, I understand weighs heavily on class participation which was clear to me from the very beginning. I had only missed 3 classes due to my illness; I have participated in nearly every class discussion with relevant topics and received a C for the midterm. All of my papers I received between an A- to a C- averaging about a B. Dr. Hagemen informed me, in an email dated 12/04/2007; it was not possible for me to pass the final as shown in the enclosed documentation. Later, in another email dated 12/11/2007, after other professors within the department had spoken to him, he changed his opinion.

On 12/11/2007, Dr. Hageman and I made an agreement via email to arrange for me to complete the course during the spring semester by me attending the last 3 weeks of classes, turning in the assignments, and completing the final. Through out the spring semester I had kept in contact with Dr. Hagemen to give him updates on my condition. On 03/26/2008, approximately 6 weeks before school ended I had contacted Dr. Hagemen requesting the information for the class to make arrangements to attend class in which time I requested to take the final before I started my Chemo so that finals would not be such a burden on me. Dr. Hagemen responded, as documented, and informed me he did not understand my email and requested I call him at a given time. I had called him where I left a message for Dr. Hagemen and he had not returned my call.

After repeated attempts to contact Dr. Hagemen via phone call per his request, on 4/21/2008 I emailed Dr. Hagemen once again last week requesting information about the final he then emailed me right away stating that he does not foresee me passing his class with a grade higher than a C. In order to graduate I would need a B or above, and given the evidence I deserve a B or above. I believe Dr. Hagemen is bias towards me and had no intension of passing me due to my illness, political, and social stand point. Students who have taken this class with me can verify my attendance and the class participation I conducted within class.

I am currently undergoing Chemo Therapy and am trying to finish the classes I am currently enrolled in. I have little energy, strength, and mental capability to deal with Dr. Hagemen at this point. I cannot monetarily afford to have this class on my record nor can I afford to take this course again. I believe that I gave Dr. Hagemen ample time to fulfill our agreement; however, due to his negligence he did not allow me to complete the course.

In accordance to school policy under the “General policy Statement on Equal Opportunity and Affirmative Action”, I feel I have been discriminated against due to my disability by Dr. Hagemen. I am bringing this to your attention because I would like to first resolve this unfair situation in a private and civil manner.

Please Advise

Yours Sincerely,

Barbara Shaw

To be continued